A Sad American's Story
by prussiasgermany
Summary: America is left with the crushing loneliness of his seperation from England. He wants to speak up, but is unable to, due to an overwhelming feeling he doesn't understand, or is too afraid to acknowledge. Why? Hints of B/L and fluff.
1. It came to this

**A/N: This takes place after the American Revolution, where America won his independace from England, or Britain like it was called back in the day. H****uman names will be used.**

**For C.R. : )**

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_Chapter 1: It came to this_

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Hello, my name is Alfred.

"Sir, Arthur has arrived! Shall we lead him into the conference room?" Asked a soldier as he peaked his head into my office room.

"Yeah. Lead him right in. Tell him i'll be there in a sec!"

"Yes sir!"

As I stared at the door, oddly surrounded by dull coloured wallpaper with boring designs and simple paintings that weren't even worth glancing at, I collected all my papers in my hands and stacked them neatly on top of each other. Today will be the day I and Arthur seperate. My country, America, had just won its seperation from Arthur's country, England [Britain]. I thought I'd be really excited, but I feel hollow inside. I have never intended to seperate from him, but the distance between us had grown so much that it was already too late to stop the escalading tension. For long periods of time we wouldn't talk, I'd dissaprove of everything he'd do because he never really seemed interested in anything of ours and even though he clearly tried, it just wasn't enough. So now, we are down to this. He lost the war, and now we are to become independent of each other and prove it with a signature on a piece of paper. W-who needs him, right?

I grab a tissue, and clean my eyes from the small tears that i've been holding back ever since that faithful decision was made. The one about making our independance official, our independance from each other. I was never to count on him again because we would not be together any longer. That made me sad and lonely.

I pulled more tissues from my tissue box that sat right beside my stack of papers, the ones he would look thru and sign. I've been trying to hold in my tears for a long time now, because there was no need to cry in front of someone else that made you feel uncomfortable to cry around, because you wanted to show the best side of yourself as much as you could. But, he didn't need me anymore, so there was no point in showing an ounce of sadness to him. He probably knew I was dissapointed in him, but I was more angered by my own actions. I should have pushed him into trying to keep us together. Like I've always wanted. But . . . I must have not mattered much to him, huh?

I chocked down on my self-pity and shoved some more tissues in my pocket for the new tears I'd get seeing him with a new perspective, the one where I was unable to help him in his time of need; where I am useless.

I would feel the most at fault here, for my new gained independence from the one who helped me find myself, who made me who I am today I dare say, but, I was just as upset with him as I was with myself, maybe even more I dare say.

_Why didn't he try his best to keep us together? _

Maybe he did try. Maybe I just couldn't see it. Maybe he couldn't feel afraid for our seperation. What hurts most is that _I _didn't try to help us stay together. Its my fault. I didn't push enough. Its _all _my fault. Why hadn't I picked up on it before? I know why. The answered made me feel nervous. Maybe because I felt the same way too . . .

I sigh deeply as I stand from my wooden and overly designed chair. I straightened out my coat, fixed my hair a bit to keep the image that I seem fine with the desicion of our seperation, gather my papers under one arm and proceed to the door. As I walked in the carpeted and gloomy hallway leading to the big conference room, I meekly smile to myself. As much as I try to keep this image that all is fine with me, inside I know I'm an emotional train wreck.

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**_END_**


	2. No turning back my friend

_Chapter 2: No turning back my friend_

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"Hello Arthur," I say in a happy way as I walked inside the room, avoiding to look at him, as I turned arount to close the door.

"Good morning Alfred," he replied back in a laid back tone.

_I'm probably the only one thinking too hard about this. I thought my sadness would be obvious. No, I just want it to be. But I'm trying not to make it obvious to make him believe I'm okay. I should just tell him._

"I'm ready to sign this paper," Arthur said as he lifted his feather, with fresh ink dirpping from the tip. It appeared very obvious he had been playing with the feather and ink before I came into the room. He didn't seem affected whatsover. Maybe tired, but other than that, just itching to sign the documents. That comment discourages me from saying anything.

"Here," I say as I hand him the papers and pull up a chair next to him. He drops the papers on the shiny, wooden table with some sort of attitude now. He seems annoyed.

"Sir, do you need us to leave the room?" Asked one of my two soldiers that stood by the doorway.

"Oh no, that's okay. I can handle it from here!" I laugh as I wave them to go outside. The two soldiers lifted their simple, light brown hats, the kind farmers wear, and step outside leaving just the two of us. My soldiers weren't really soldiers. Just local people like your average farmer or aristrocrat even. The only diffirence is that they had guns and were willing to use them in the name of America. That, to me, is enough to be called a soldier. Arthur seems relieved now, because his once tense and hard shoulders slouch over and he leans an arm on the table with his head resting on his palm. He picks up the first page, looks at it for a good two minutes and drops it back onto the pile.

"Alfred."

"Yes?"

"I just need the paper for my approval."

"Approval?"

"Yeah, me approving your independece from me."

"You mean seperation."

"Seperation, independence, same thing."

"N-no it isn't," I mumbled nervously.

"Yes it is. Because either way I'm never going to be with you again," he said flatly.

_I wish he hadn't said it that way._

"Well, its right here," I say as I stand besides him and looks thru the stack of papers crossing in front of his path as I leaned over the desk. Then I feel a sort of sensation in the space between us. I look over my shoulder at him, and I see him staring right at my face.

"Well? I need the paper!" He yelled annoyed as he turned away.

"I'm on it!" I reply back. Then at the back of the stack, I pull out a light brown piece of paper and lay it out in front of him. He sits himself comfortably as he reads it, holding it up to his face. As he does this, I look around the room. The same room where I found out about our troubles. The same room we'd have our happy times. The same room where I heard the news of him not being with us anymore. It broke my heart.

"Sign it first," Arthur said as I swiftly turned my head to face him. "What's wrong? You seem confused. Sign the paper so I can leave and work on myself [as a country]. "

I stare at him and then smiled as I snatched the pen from his hand like nothing was wrong. I'd always smile when I'm terribly nervous. As I was about to write my name-

"So what are you going to do once I leave you?"

I could feel all the blood and blush rush to my face. Now it must be obvious to him that I seem distressed.

"Well, work on improving myself!" I say in a fake expression of excitement. "Its not like I'm going to drop everything I have in common with you; I was able to go by without you before, so I can keep on without you again!" I felt like slapping myself. That was a complete and utter lie. But I understood why I said it. Because I was trying to get him to say how he'd feel about the situation.

"Same here. In fact, I did better off without you. Trying to fix you[r] [country] slowed me down," he smiled back at me. Whether he saw right thru me, or spoke the truth didn't matter. He had turned my own words against me. Maybe that's why people always say 'its always better to speak the truth and never lie'. But I have to make things more complicated in a twisted, masochist sort of way to make it intersting to myself. Why I do that, I don't know. As far as I understood my way of thinking, I complicate things, knowing or not, to make things more interesting because, well, I'm just difficult that way. Maybe someday I'll know why.

"Like I care. I'm free from you now! No more will I have to deal with you!" I yell at him in a gloating, jerkish, obnoxious way. I do it because he made me even more uncomfortable. And when I get uncomfortable, I panic. And when I panic, I just blurr out anything that comes to my mind. I hadn't realized it, but I just finished signing my name on the paper. I place both hands on my hips as I stand there with my fake, trying-to-make-everything-look-fine-but-really-isn't face expression, which, as much as I don't want to, works. He snatches the feather pen from my hand and leans closer to the document.

Maybe he can see thru me. Maybe he knows I'm uncomfortable. Maybe he just doesn't think of this nothing much than a mere signing of a paper. I feel myself blush, the thought of me being the only one taking every detail and word we say serious and to heart embarresses me.

"There. Can I go now? Or are you going to throw some lavish and barbaric party right in front of my face to shove it in?" He grunts in an annoyed manner as he crosses his arms and leans back in the leather seat.

_Oh no, he thinks I'm being a jerk and showing off . . . . ._

I feel completely stupid now. Because as much as I'm tyring to make myself seem like a jerk and everything is fine in my tiny little world, everything is the complete opposite. Because right now in my tiny little world, everything is being thrown into madness and destructive panic. I can feel my throat getting sore, itching to yell _'WAIT! ITS NOT TRUE! Im just faking all of this! I'm not okay with any of this! I'll do anything, just please, STAY WITH ME!' _But that was the crappy thing about me. I never could. Besides, it was too late. Even if I wanted to stop us from being seperated and him going away, the damage was done. Everything that happened between us, the battles, disobedience, defience, all of that had taken place. And our superiors had made the decision of the seperation. But, even if that was true, I should speak out, because it might, at least between us, make the tiniest diffirence to let him know I didn't wan thim to go away. But, I could never do such a thing. I don't know why though. Something in my gut told me _'wait a little longer, the right moment will come when you're aware of _everything _you feel. Just hold on a little longer.' _I wanted to go against this 'gut' feeling, but I didn't understand fully what I was feeling, so I wanted to go the safe side, and not say anything at all. I must sound like such a coward. It makes me sick.

"Aww, come on Arthur! Can't you take a joke? If you want we can have one last drink before you go away. How about it? For old times' sake!" I say excitedly as I try to get him to warm up to the idea, patting him on the back as I did so. He opens his eyes and turns to me, and then turns back to facing the table.

"-sigh- Fine. What diffirence would it make?" He said. I became happy. He said it in a relieved sort of way. I grab his hand and excitedly pull on it, trying to get him out of the chair.

"C'mon, well go in my basement! I keep all sorts of drinks there you'd probably li-!" He then yanked his arm away from my hold, and looked at me in an odd way. He looked at me mortified.

_Don't Alfred. _Is what his face seem to tell me.

_Oh, right. I'm sorry._ I said with my face expression.

I had to remember to keep my distance with him now. Because we're never going to be together for a long time, and as much as he hadn't seemed to care, it looked like he didn't want me to seem clingy to him before he left for who knows how long. Guess he's right. I'd miss him even more in an aching way.

"I'll go tell my soldiers they can deliver the documents now!" I exclaim to break the emotional tension as I walk to the door and open it.

"Yes sir! We're on it!" Said one of the soldiers as they walked back inside and grabbed the documents, inserting them into a leather case.

"Thanks. We'll be downstairs if you need us drinking!" I say in return bringing up my usual go-lucky personality as I waved goodbye to them in the hallway.

The whole way walking in the hallway with Arthur made me feel awkward. His face, that expression, was ingraved to my mind. It looked so sad and scared. His face made me want to cry.

As I opened the worn out basement door, it made a creaking sound.

"You still haven't gotten it fix?" Said Arthur.

"Oh, I haven't had the time. I'll oil it some other ti-"

"Whatever," he mumbled not caring, just walking right past me and proceeded heading down the stairs in the dark room, almost in a sulking way. I find myself smiling for some reason. Probably because he realized how far apart we'll be from now on. Well at least that's what I wanted to think of it. Then again I could be thinking too much again.

"Woah, this room is so dusty too," he exclaimed as he turned on the light. As soon as I saw it on, I headed downstairs and stood impatiently behind him.

"And your still afraid of the dark?"

I nod my head excitedly.

"You ninny, your not suppose to be proud of being afraid of something so stupid!"

"Stupid?" I say in an obviously hurted way.

"-sigh- No you dolt, I mean its a ridiculous fear because darkness is everywhere! Its unavoidable."

"Well, I'm not afraid of it. I just don't know what's in it!"

"What could possibly be in a room you've been in countless times?"

"A time-traveling murder."

" . . . . "

"?"

"You're so weird," he mumbled as he sat down on a bar stool.

"-laughing- I'll go see what kind of drinks I have here!" I exclaim running behind the bar stand and looking in the cabinets. Usually, you'd feel offended if somebody called you weird. But with Arthur, its a totally diffirent case. For some reason I felt the sensation that , among other people he might possibly know, I stood out the most in his mind to be called weird. I felt it a privelage to be considered 'weird' in his mind. Weird, isn't it?

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_**END**_


	3. Forced into denial

"Do you like it?"

"It tastes okay."

"Good."

Arthur and I sat next to each other, having a little drink before he leaves for who knows how long. Miss him? Of course I will. But for some reason, as we sit here by ourselves having small talk, there's this feeling I have bothering me.

_I think that . . . . I actually hold him back._

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Chapter 3: Forced into denial

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As I slouch in my seat, I turn to him. He seems kind of sleepy. It is pretty tiresome having to travel across the sea to meet me. I feel bad, because he lives so far away. He didn't let me, as much as I insisted, for me to travel to him instead. He kept insisting that it was no problem. I still felt bad though.

"Hey Arthur, do you like me?" I asked him once, before all of this madness about wars, rebellions, seperations was ever even thought of.

"Hmm? What kind of question is that. Well yeah you act stupid and ignorant not to mention a weirdo sometimes but you can't change the way you are, now can you?"

I looked at him and it souded to me like he was advising me to. Since I always listen and take everything to heart, I decided to change my ways. So for about a good three days I stayed quiet and refrained from speaking anything unecessary. Around that time he noticed I changed.

"What do you think your doing?" He yelled at me once as I ate some pie. With a stuffed mouth and dirty face, I looked a thim confused.

"-swallow- What do you mean?"

"You're acting diffirent moron!"

"Am I not allowed or something?"

"Its not that, its just that . . . . I can't explain it. But yeah, its like illegal or something!"

I thought about it for a sec, then I looked at him even more confused.

"-facepalm- Let me put it this way, would _you _like it if I changed?" I look at him, then away and then right back at him.

"Nope."

"Why?"

"Well, because I like the way you are. That's the whole point of being together."

"_Exactly_! So stop whatever your doing and act normal!"

"O-okay!" I exclaim happily as I shove food into my mouth. The way he had spoken that with attitude had me smiling.

Thinking back then to that questioned just reminded me of something. I think he's able to predict what I'd do or say in any situation.

I look at his face, hoping for some clue as if he would know what I'm thinking. He lifts his small glass to his mouth and turns to me as he drinks.

"What?"

"Nothing," I turn my face away nervously.

He probably can.

"Hey Alfred, are you . . . . are you happy about me going away?" He asked me as he stared deeply into his glass. I look at him surprised and then looked into my own glass.

"W-well, not really," I mumbled.

"Me neither," he replied back. That gave me a little spark. A spark of what, I don't know. But a spark none the less.

"Are you going to miss me?" He asked.

"Well sure I am!" I replied in a seemingly calm excitement lifting my glass to him.

"W-what about you?" I ask nervously glancing at him. He laughs lightly.

"Of course you nit wit! I won't have you to laugh at when you do something stupid . . . . "

Before I could yell back in anger-

" . . . . or when you do something amazing."

That right there made me happy. Lots of people tell me I do unusual, admirable things. But coming from Arthur makes the compliment worth even more. I found myself smiling. He then turned to me and gave me a funny look.

"Why are you smiling?" He asked in a disturbed way. I panicked and said the first thing that came to my mind.

"Because I thought you disliked everything I did!" I laugh nervously.

"Oh," he mumbled somehow let down. Maybe he expected for me to say something else.

"-knock knock- Sir, there are some others here to speak with Arthur," said one of my soldiers that barely opened the door. Arthur got up from his stool and streched. I felt kind of sad, he looked impatient to leave.

"C'mon Alfred, they're probably here to see both of us," he said motioning me to follow him as he took one step in the stairs. I quickly finished my glass and unexcitedly followed him upstairs. I had to pretend that I was bored and miserable in the outside in front of everyone, but I was sad and miserable in the inside.

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"Well well, if it isn't Mr. Arthur who just lost!Tell me now, are you going to cry any moment now?" Said Francis as he lifted a camera from 20 years from now.

"C'mon now! Me and him will go back at my place and get dead drunk to forget all his building depression!" Yelled Gilbert as he shoved Francis aside.

"I want both of you dead drunk in your own blood," smiled Ivan. Francis and Gilbert nervously stepped aside from him.

"Oh shut up you nit wits!" Hissed Arthur as he walked past all of them, shoving them away with his extended arms. The five of us stood outside at the back of my house. It was pretty big, one of those country side houses made with red bricks and lots of grass and trees everywhere. A big dirt road was in front of it, beyond the tall white fence I had installed. Behind, where we were, was a small, shaded table by trees were I used to drink 'tea' back in the day. But now I just use it as a substitute for a bed when I pass out drunk in a wild late night party. I might be drowning in all these emotions, but I need a little fun from time to time myself.

Arthur sat in one of the white chairs, crossed his arms and turned his head away from us, whom we stood about nine steps from him.

"What's the matter, your not as whinney as I thought you'd be," said Francis dissapointed as he placed his hands on his hips.

"Right, you did lose a war against this moron," snickered Gilbert as he made a thumbs down in disapproval of some kind.

"Not just one , but two," mumbled Arthur as he glanced at me and then away again. For some reason I slid my hands behind my back and slouched my body closer to itself, liek the way you do when you don't want a teacher to call on you and you make yourself unnoticed by making yourself as small and unnoticable in your desk.

"What's wrong Alfred? You'd usually be the one jumping everywhere laughing at this kind of stuff?" Asked Francis. They all look at me in curiosity. It makes me frown even more. The sets of eyes that burned most in me were Ivan's and Arthur's. Ivan's because, well, he was my rival and I should look my best, and Arthur, well, because I felt downright embarressed. I timidly walked towards Arthur as I scratched the back of my head.

"Hah hah ha! I was just analizing a new strategy to-"

"Enough with the war talk. Its over, there's nothing to be said about it. What's done is done," Arthur said with a disgusted voice. I stopped in my tracks, feeling an awkward tension between us. But if I don't keep walking towards him, somehow I get the feeling that I won't be able to bid him a good farewell hug when he leaves because it would be too awkward.

"Hey! Where the hell is Ivan?" Yelled Gilbert. All of us turn to the spot where Ivan had been standing. It appears he has gone into hiding.

"Um, I say we all go inside before he reappears," smiled Francis nervously. We all hurry to my living room inside. Before I come inside into the house, I can see Arthur, the last one of us, wipe a tear out of his eyes.

_He is sad._

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**END.**


	4. Loneliness

_Oh, now I feel like throwing up._

"Is everything all right?" I accidently slip out of my mouth as Arthur closes and locks the door. He doesn't turn, but I know his face is flushed red.

"No, its not," he utters so the others can't hear, in this weak voice. I didn't want to hear him say that, because that made me feel even more bad; i thought he would have lied really. It made me feel more guilty. In what way? Well, the kind of guilty that makes you want to help whomever you might have wronged, and though, yes, I did techinically defeat him in the war that later brought my independance from him, but I had aimed for something else. I didn't want my independance. I wanted recognition. Respect. And most importantly, to be his [Arthur's] equal.

Then again, it wasn't entirely my fault either.

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_Chapter 4: Loneliness_

I walk a little more ahead and into the living room, where Francis and Gilbert have taken their seats, already talkign about celebrating and diffirent kinds of bear. My soildiers stepped outside to keep watch. Arthur, the one at te end of all of us to come inside, slowly paced into the room and sat besides Gilbert, right across from Francis, whom I sat next to. I noticed I was the farthest away from him too. He sat slouching at the edge of the couch, seeming uncomfortable and sick. Everyone else notices, cause now we're al staring at him. So to get rid of this awkwardness for him, I call all the attenttion to myself.

"Hey you guys! Wanna check out my new flag!" I yell as I waved my arms enthusiasticly. Oops, not the best thing to bring up at the moment. Francis, next to me, leans over me as he scoots in the sofa and glares me down almost.

"Hmm, what's going on between the two English lovers?" He smirks as he nudges me. I nervously look into his face creeped out. I swear I'd probably be as red as a britishman's uniform if it were anyone else but Francis asking me this.

"Wh-what are you talking about? Nobody here is upset!" I smile nervously as I scratch the back of my head.

"-sigh-." Everyone turns to Arthur, who sits even farther from us reclined all the way against the sofa. His face is turned away from all of our gazes, but he knows everyone's staring at him. In my head, that sigh screamed '_why are you lying? Can't you see i'm in discomfort? Help me.' _I blush and cover my mouth with one of my gloved hands. Thinking of what his sigh would mean made me feel embaressed that I shouldn't be overthinking things again.

"You guys are weird," said Gilbert aloud as he crossed his arms and raised his boots on the granite table that seperated us from each other. He looked bored.

"Well, why don't we just get down to business?" Said Francis a little annoyed as he took out something from inside his blue suit. It was a folder. Probably full of important documents. Gilbert grabs Arthur by the shoulder so harshly, it makes me flinch just watching him being disturbed. Gilbert pulls Arthur close to th etable, where Francis was now close to holding paperwork on it and looking sinisterly at Arthur. Gilbert takes ou t apen from his pocket and puts it in Arthur's hand to sign. Arthir doesn't seem like he's resisting. In fact, his arms are like noodles or something! He's making himself limp or something cause Gilbert keeps struggling to hold him up leaning over the paperwork. Gilbert becomes annoyed.

"Aww c'mon old fart! You've got to sign these damn papers! Don't you want our help? Your as broke as Alfred, if not even worse!" He smiles as he makes fun of him.

"Sign? Sign what?" I ask in curiosity.

"He needs our help. You've left him in major debt. So if I want to kick his ass on fair terms some other time, he needs the help right now by being our lackey!" Laughed Francis. My eyes sadden by this. I turn to Arthur, who slowly looks up at me.

_I didn't want this. You know I didn't. _

I bite my lip as I stand up. I close my eyes and turn around. Overthinking or not know, his face expression was unbearable. So now, to save the little dignity, or at least pride, he had left for himself, I leave the room and walk upstairs into my bedroom, where I close the door silently, drop onto my bed, cross my arms from under my head as I lay on my stomach, and began to weep. After that, I never get my chance to say my final goodbye.

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A few hours later, when I wake up to seeing the dark outside from beyond my closed and exposed window. I hear a a loud clackign sound. I pull the quilt from my bed, feeling terribly cold, and cover myself as I take a look outside. I see The three of them climbing into a chariot. I press a hand against the window, where I breathe warmly on the cold window, the heat from my mouth making it foggy. I use my other hand to poke my glasses up and clean my eyes. I had been crying in my sleep?

"C'mon, don't act like this around everyone else now! You'll get your ass kicked again!" Yelled Gilbert as he grabbed the door handle of the black carriage. He turned around, facing my house, my window, probably me. He smiled.

"Bye bye Alfred," said Gilbert as he waved his hand. "Lets get out of here!" He yelled at the soldier holding the rails to the two jet black horses. The man signaled the horses, they neighed in response, and started away into the left side of the road.

"Bye Arthur," I mumbled as I take my hand off the window. I take slow paces and sit back on my naked bed, trying to register all of this. In one day I had lost my one utter motivation to impress and prove myself to, my one close and bestest person. The only person i'd ever have these kinds of feelings for. My crush, Arthur.

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**END.**


	5. A smile of happiness

A/N: Ally, considering these characters are still countries, means to them as being together like how we use the term couple. Excuse the spelling. Enjoy.

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_Chapter 5: A smile of happiness_

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"Hey Alfred, you know how much I miss you? I never had the guts to tell you, but your very important to me," said Arthur in a friendly tone as he turned to me.

"Me too!" I laugh as I turn to him.

We where both walking in a nice road surrounded by flowers and huge trees. We wore our usual green and dark brown uniform. Of course, mine looked the best. His was too tight. But I think it suited him.

"You think i'll get to visit you anytime soon?"

"I hope so. I feel lost without you."

"Really?" He asked in a surprised voice. I nod.

"You took all the meaning in my life with you," I smile.

"Wow, that's a very nice thing for you to tell me," mumbled Arthur smiling.

"Well you make me feel very nice," I say. Arthur halts for a minute. So I halt too in response.

"What's wrong?" I asked turning my whole body to him.

"Oh, it just struck me. You never seemed like the romantic type to me," he laughed.

"Oh? Well it just depends whom I love is all!" I laugh back in return.

_Does he know I . . . . ?_

_"_Hey Arthur. Give me your hand," I mumble reaching my hadn out to him. He looks at me confused, then he turns away blushing as he crosses his arms.

"W-what kind of talk is that? Its so childish!" He said nervously.

"Well, I just want to hold your hand because I might get lost. These roads do have forks [as in a forkign road] and I might wander off like the complete idiot I am!" I laugh. Making up this lie to give him reason to hold my hand and still have pride makes me happy. Because it lets me know I understand him enough to make him feel comfortable. I feel as warm on the inside as the forest and atmosphere surrouding us.

"Yes! I don't want to go looking for you! I'd be too much trouble! Besides, you _are _an idiot!" He nervously stammers as he places his hand in mine. I grab a good hold of it and lead us now. For a good while, we walk in silence aswe lose ourselves in the warm, sun-setting scenery. I can feel his soft, sweaty and warm hand in my warm, dry one. Clearly he was nervous and probably blushing. I'd turn around to see his face out of curiosity, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. I was smiling a lot too, he actually took off his gloves to hold my hand. Well so did I, but he must have wanted to hold mine just as bad. this skin on skin contact with the hand alone made me blush.

"Where are we heading?" He finally asked in a relaxed, cutefuly frightened way.

"A beautiful sight. Breathtaking. Amazing. Memorable for the rest of our lives!" I exclaim hapily as I turn over my shoulder to show him my smile. He probably liked my face expression, because i can hear him breathe in a disbelief and taken back sort of way. As we near the edge of the red and yellowing trees, we stop at a clearing, and a cliff. And beyond that cliff was a beautiful sea. The Atlantic sea that seperated us. The sun was still setting. Good. I look around us, as I still hold his hand. The warm, carefree scenery just right too. Everythign according to plan.

"Hey Alfred, what did you mean by memorable for the rest of our li-?"

Before he could finish, he noticed I held both his hands clasped together between my own.

"I wanted to tell you something," I say as I keep my gaze at our hands, blushing a lot and unable to keep myself from smiling. I can tell he's nervous, because he takes one step back.

"Please don't say what I think your going to say," he uttered nervously. I shook my head.

_No, he might be denying it, but he probably knows what I'm about to say. I can read it in his face. Now the question is whether or not he'd say yes. I mean, I hope there's no reason for him to, because that drive me insane with question and doubt._

"Will you be my ally?" I say as I look him straight in the eyes. His pretty green shiny and innocent eyes that'll either be filled with embarressed fury or a shine of happiness. Well im wrong, its neither.

"You moron! How dare you! I was-! I was . . . . "

He starts crying as he yanks his hands away from me. At first I'm taken back, thinking I came on too early. Maybe he wasn't ready. Maybe I was too bold. Maybe I was too corny, even for him. No, I was still wrong.

"I was going to ask you!" He yelled as he started kciking my right leg. I dodge once but get hit twice. So i trip and fall hard on my ass. I look at him confused now, adjusting my glasses. I look at him as he panted. His whole face burning red, some tears in his eyes. His small hands in fists on his sides.

"Really?" I say in disbelief, smiling bluntly.

"YEAH!" He yelled back at me. I start laughing, which makes him angrier, but instead of kicking me, he cries even more.

"What's wrong? I thought you already knew I-?"

"You made me feel like the uke in this!" He yelled as he wiped his face with his sleeve. So, I do a bol dand risky move; I grab onto his sleeve and pull him over myself. I laid on the grassy ground on my back, and made him, on knees and elbows, elevated over me, like he had pinned me down or something. His face was directly over mine. I can almost feel the warmth of his body against mine. I was still smiling, his surprised.

"What? I thought this would please you?" I say cockly.

"I . . . " before he can finish finding the right words he wanted to tel me he felt th emost ou tof the sea of emotions he was probably feeling, I see his face turn from surprised to longing.

"So you missed me a lot too. I thought you where just being nice at first saying you did," I smile as I stroke my hand in his thin, uneven blond hair.

"I never lie you moron," he uttered.

"Of course you don't, your Arthur." I smile hearing myself say this. because as much as I love his honesty, I knew deep down inside that's what scared me the most about him. Anything that came out of his mouth will either bring me joy or despair. That was the thing when your in love with someone. They have complete control over your emotions and actions and might haven't the slightest idea. That's what sucked. You might be the only one in love and wasting your time and lettting this person twist everything about you. But, if I had those feelings, I would know for sure that Arthur wasn't the one. But he was. He knew me better than anyone. Afterall, we did, turns out, love each other.

As I get caugh tin the heat of the moment, I slide my hadn behind his head, so we could come in contact for the first time. My first time even. I wanted to wonder whether it was his too, but I didn't want to think of him with anyone else now but me. Thsi is where, our brave, my brave, little Arthur takes charge.

"NO YOU DON'T!" He yells as he shoves my face away. I look at him in disbelief as he gets off of me and cleans himself with his hands. I get up confused.

"W-what's wrong? I thought we were-?"

"ITS MY FIRST!" He yelled.

"Awww, your so cute. Not wanting to humiliate yourself. This your first?" I ask obnoxiously as I pointed to my mouth. He keeps hi scool though, because I'm not being a jerk about it. He turns his back to me and crosses his arms as he shakes his head.

"Well, its mine too," I tell him to confort him. Of course this isn't true. Ive had two or three of my own, but just a peck. I wasn't lying either though because this would be my first with him. He turns around nervously.

"R-really?" he asks nervously. I nod my head.

"Well, that's good then," He says as he sighs relieved. This time I keep my thoughts to myself about how I loved seeing him worry about this, about this that had to do with _me_. This is the part where I thank my mind for giving me the built in mind-frame of always considering every little word, gesture and face expression with anyone I spoke to. It helped me like Arthur all the more. Maybe because of this little 'problem' others might see it as, over-analyzing and considering things, was the thing that helped me fall for Arthur the most. That is I bet. That's why it backfires when I apply it to anyone else but Arthur. Maybe because Arthur knows and understands well I have the ability to do this, or because he knows everything he does I will actually pay good attention to, he is just perfect for me. I probably wouldn't have cared how he looked like, well of course I had my standards, but I was willing to change them for him. What I had loved the most about him I guess was his actual self. His personality, his gestures, his reactions to everything. I'd go as far as saying being in love for the person he truly is. Nobody else, I hoped anyways, can see him in the way I do. And now, we would be together without anything to disturb us. _Finally allies . . . ._

_

* * *

_

At that last thought, I realize I'm laying halfway covered in a bed. My bed. In my room. The room just a few hours ago I was looking out from the window, to catch my last glimpse of Arthur.

_Dammit, I had that dream again._

I sit up as I start to yawn and stretch. I pull off the cover as I slid my warm feet into some white slippers to keep them from touching the freezing floor, made by the codl weather outside. It was the middle of fall afterall. In that weird time period where all the leaves were still green, bu tthe weather like if it where fall already with yellow and red and orange leaves. I rub my face. Again, I had cried even more. I can just imagine how lonely i'd feel in the coming months, maybe even years. That thought depressed me. But then I slid my hand over my mouth, feeling a smile still engraved on it.

"I must've woken up from the smile I had in my dream." That's right. I just had that same fantasy where I had the guts and brilliance to tell Arthur everything and everything working out perfectly. Of course there's no way it would go like that in real life. I sigh to myself

_Either its the overwhelming happiness, or hope, but I feel like I woke up with this smile for the sole reason that one day, I will see him again and tell him how much I was badly infatuated with him._

I find myself making my smile even wider.

_

* * *

_

**END.**


	6. A better change

________

Can you hear it?

"I . . . . I know," I said. I stood reclined against the kitchen wall, besides the white refrigerator holding the black phone as it hung on the kitchen wall.

"Um, nobody's going to call," said the soldier, with a worried tone now.

" . . . . . "

"Sir, you should get some rest," the soldier said as he slid my free arm over his shoulder. He's right, it was around 12 am right now. But I shook my head.

"N-no. I'm not ready to go yet. I want to wait," I mumble as I forced my tired eyes with dark bags under them to stay open.

"Sir, you have to go," he said as he pulled me away from the phone.

"N-no!" I scream in a tired, low voice. I try to, as much as my tired body would let me, resist. I grab onto the phone, pulling it with me, but the cord is too short for me to continue pulling on it. So the soldier grabs it and tries to pry it out of my hands, but I try to bite his hands. Another soldier joins him and tries to do the same thing.

"Sir! Face the facts! Nobody's going to call you! Everyone's too busy!" He yells at me in a desperate attempt to get me to calm down. Then, I stop and let go of the phone, it drops to the floor, one o fthe soldiers actually put sup a surprised face thinking the phone would have broken with the impact.

"D-don't tell me what I already know," I mummble as I let tears pour down my face. I covered my face with one hand as the soldiers helped me make my way upstairs to my room.

_Its the sound of me being lonely and scared._

* * *

_Chapter six: A better change_

* * *

_Hi. My name is Alfred. Its been a few years now since a dear person of mine, Arthur, left. We haven't been in good terms for a while. I think we're ignoring each other. Either way, I wish I could talk to him, but I don't want to be the one to make the first move because . . . . i've been feeling like . . . . everyone's trying to make me jealous. _

"Hey, im going outside for a while!" I yell into the house as I step out of the kitchen door that leads to the backyard.

"Sure!" Yelled back one of my soldiers.

_Im about to have a picnic._

Its been a while since I've calmed down. I don't worry or think about Arthur as much. We both have our seperate lives now. Might as well enjoy the best of it. Someday I'll see him again.

But then, my mood changed a little, I felt angry for some reason now.

Why the hell should I care about him? There's no way he puts this much thought into me! I shouldn't care about him! Here I am trying to think that everything is fine between us, but he doesn't care at all! Im just wasting my thoughts! This is all just going to waste. Its not like anyone cares about what I think. Why can't there be someone that just gets me and understands me and knows how much im suffering for them? I hate this, this only one sided attraction, because al of these feelings are going to waste.

"I love him," I say aloud to calm down my angry thougths. I've always felt if I ever leave my thoughts go on and on for too long, it will make me feel hateful towards everything. Towards him. I don't want that.

"I hate this," I say aloud now. Its like my mind can make me love him and then convince me to hate him. Maybe that's why I've never told Arthur how I feel about him, because I feel unsure of myself because of these thoughts. It makes me doubt everything I believe sometimes.

I then come to a halt. I've been walking in the middle of the woods for about five minutes now, and I think I've found a good spot to have my picnic. Its a small open patch of grass surrounded by woods. This is good, because I can still feel the cold wind here. Its that weird time again, the same weird climate it was when Arthur left that day. I sigh to myself as I take out a white, thin blanket from the khaki colored picnic basket and place it on the ground. There aren't many insects around here, but i just want to sit on something soft. Then I start taking out bags and containers of food. Chips, fries, burgers, anything my little heart desires! As I start shoving food in my mouth, I hear something rustling in a bush behind me. Though I don't bother to turn around. As long as it isn't somoene bringing me work, I wasn't going to be afraid.

"Hello Alfred," mumbled Ivan as he walked behind me.

"Hey old man reaking of age, would you like to sit with me and shove food in your mouth?" I smile at him as I tilt my head backwards to see him.

"Of course you annoying brat," smirked Ivan back as he sat next to me.

Ivan and I might now see each other eye to eye in lots of things, but we had the most important things to us in common. We wanted power, money, connections, and recognition. We were the superpowers after all. He was like my best friend in a weird way. My best frienemy, well so others tell me. I could tell him anything and he'd give me advice and he gave it honest, and cold-hearted. Which is what I liked. But Arthur used to be my main advice guy, so it kind of made me sad when I asked Ivan something. But I didn't have him anymore. So Ivan was there whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. Well, I never told him anything too intimate, just the usual stuff. I promised myself I'd never tell anyone anything anymore. but I still had my occasional breakdowns which I felt to embaressed to have in front of anyone else except Ivan now. Its like because we disrespected each other so much, we are comfortable with each other. Its weird. But a good weird none the less. I trusted him. Besides, i've had about 4 or 5 of those ever since Arthur went away, and he didn't tell a soul. As he ate, Ivan took out a letter.

"What's that?" I asked with a full mouth as I point at it.

"Its a letter from Arthur I got. Isn't it pretty? He sent everyoen one, even me!" Smiled Russia as he opened it. My jaw would probably drop if it weren't stuffed with food. I swallow everything as Ivan opened it and read it. He started laughing histericly.

"W-what's so funny?" I ask.

_Why didn't I get one?_

"Well the letter!" He exclaimed. He was then writting a reply back.

"I'd egg him on!" He exclaimed as he was finishing. I look at my hands sadly.

_Why didn't _I _get one?_

"Well I wouldn't," I meekly say after catching a glimpse of what the letter had. It didn't seem like Ivan cared. He was too busy writting a reply back, chuckling as he did so. I felt so left out.

"Everyone that got a letter gets to reply back!" He exclaimed.

I felt so angry now. Whithout intending to, he rubbed in the fact that I didn't get to communicate with Arthur without considering how I'd feel. At this point in time, Ivan knew how I was about these little things. About how much anything relating to Arthur bothered me. Because I felt so left out and alone. Like nobody was on my side. Everyoen in Arthur's. Then I mentally slap myself. How could I say that? There are no sides in this! I'm just being a jerk, right? I'm being to obsessive with this. How dare I think Arthur as a bad person? He's just being nice is all sending everyone somethign small to laugh about. There's a good reason I didn't get one.

"You should realyy get your own postal service. Maybe then you'd get somethign form him," He said as he took out a new envelope to place the letter in.

I didn't have a postal service, but it wasn't fair. I couldn't afford one. Plus Arthur would, well used to, send me letters on a horseback mail carrier. It was harder that way, but he didn;t mind. I think. Wow, what a jerk I must have been not considering how hard it is to get one of those.

"Well it takes very long to get a letter from anyone!" I nervously laugh. He finishes licking th eenvelope and closes it. I'm getting a little more angrier. Why am I? Its a mesely letter with a worthless message but why am I carring so much about it? Its my own fault I dont tell Arthur he upsets me over this. I he taunting me or something? Oh yeah, cause this was a ridiculous thing to argue with him about not sending me something. -Sigh-, I don't blame him for not wanting to go the extra mile.

"C-can I use your post office to send him something?" I meekly ask. Just one letter to know how arthur was doing is all I needed. Maybe even send it in Ivan's name, that way he'll never suspect a thing! We aren't in speaking terms (I think) anyway.

"No, its mine!" Ivan said in an unnesesary whinney voice. I looked up at him and frowned. Well, it was a bad idea. I don't want to send him something in someone else's name, that'd made me feel bad. I notice how desperate I really am to talk to him. I want to punch myself for being the only person in the world with these kinds of thoughts. I would think that it would make anyone in the world very happy if they knew how much someone else thought about them so much like I was doing, but this statement itself is ridiculous because who goes up to someone and tells them 'hey i think about you al the time and take every little detail seriously and with lots of thought and consideration.' I mean, arthur doesn't even know I do that so I shouldn't expect him to feel happy all on his own. He'd have to be some kind of mind rader. Then again, I want everyoen to be able to read what I'm thinking, that'd make being in love so much easier. But when your in love, you have to tell your person _everything_, or else they won't pick up on it. So what I think anyway. Its not that I don't think Arthur can't pick up on anything of mine, its just that I think it might be too embarresing or he doesn't even care. -Sigh- sometimes I wished I knew someone that felt all this for me, that'd mean we think and assume and put lots of effort, emotionaly speaking, just like me. That'd be my ideal person. But every person is diffirent. I just hope someone out there knows I could make them very happy. I'd be really faithful now that I think about it.

" . . . . I see," I mumbled as I sigh deeply. I got up and stretched and started to walk away and down the small hill I was having my picnic in.

_Can you hear it now?_

"Where are you going?" Asked Ivan curiously, surprised I left so suddenly.

"Somewhere where I can be carefree and happy," I smile as I waved my hand without much importance.

_I'm not going to stop loving him, but I'm not going to let my own thoughts and feelings bring me down._

I dont have to deal with this. I have my own life besides worrying who's Arthur with or what's he doing.

_I'm full of confidence. _

I smile to myself and five minutes into my glorious and bold move, i collapse on the cold, unforgiving ground.

"W-what's that snake doing? Is he bitting me? Oh damn, its poison . . . ess . . . "

And there I lay as I find myself overcome with pain and sleep.

_I wonder if Arthur is finished with his work fro today?_

Is the last thought I ever have before falling into a deep sleep, going uncoscious.

_

* * *

_

**END.**


	7. Unforgiving

**A/N:Sorry for the misspellings, i'll fix them someday.**

**Characters:**

America- Alfred

England- Arthur

Russia- Ivan

France- Francis

Prussia- Gilbert

Canada- Matthew

Japan- Kiku

Sealand- Peter

Lithuania- Toris

* * *

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Nothing much. Here and bored."

"Hey, would you believe I died thinking about you?"

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Well, thing is, I died wondering if you finished your work! Isn't that funny?"

"Its ridiculous."

"Yeah, I guess."

". . . . . thanks."

"No problem. I do it all the time."

* * *

_Chapter 7: Unforgiving_

_

* * *

_

"Are you all right Alfred?" Asked a soft voice. I slowly opened my eyes to hear a soft, easily abused, delicate voice.

"Alfred?" Asked the voice even louder. I look up, away from the glare of the sunset that struck my eyes, which in the first place isn't suppose to hit me because i'm pretty sure I passed out in a forest, but now I am probably in some field. Then as I open my eyes, they widen to see Matthew's face so close up to mine. He was crouchign down besides my hurting body.

"M-Matthew!Step away! Personal bubble! Personal bubble!" I panic as I crawl away from his face and wave my hands for him to keep away. I could feel my face completely red.

"What? You were the one that pulled me towards you. You were hallucinating and thought I was Arthur _'your knight in shinning armor'_."

"WHAT?" I yell in a panic.

_Was I mumbling all my fantisies aloud again in my sleep?_

I covered my embarressed completely red face with my hand. Matthew just laughed.

"I found you on the ground, you got bitten by a snake. Luckily I was there to give you medicine I had with me. You never know what going to jump you in the woods. Bears, snakes, zebras, Ivan . . . . "

That just reminded me how hungry I was. Dammit! I left all my food with Ivan! That pig! He's probably eaten all my food by now! I should have taken some with me!

"C'mon Alfred, i'll help you to my home. We're at my backyard right now!" Exclaimed Matthew as he lifted me up.

"You hungry? I was bringing some baked goods to my house just now. You should be really careful. Ivan's Alaskan territory is near here."

"Sure!" I yell excited with the thought of eating.

Me and Matthew are okay. I like him. He's nice, honest, and I liek to harrass him every now and then. Not too much though because that'd be mean. He enjoys my company too. He could almost be my best friend. well almost. Something inside me, a tiny voice has always awarned me that Matthew and I wouldn't get very along if I let him _too much _into my tiny world. I don't know why. But I kind of see him as a rival. Not of love with Arthur, but for his attention. Maybe that's why I don't get too close to him [Matthew]. Either that or its because he's taller than me, and I really don't like people taller than me. Oh well.

"So Alfred, what were you doing out here?" He asked smiling as he looked past his shoulder to me.

"Oh, just romaing and exploring. Getting bit by snakes for fun. Same old' same old'," I say not wanting to admit I was lost in those 5 minutes I was on my own in th ewoods. I must have traveled far to have gotten near Matthew's house.

"That's nice I guess. I just came from the bakery. I also went to a special building where they have phones! And I got a call there!"

"R-really? That's nice," I say. I really don't mind what people tell me they do, its just I feel bad for paying attention when certain people talk to me because if its nothing interesting to me, I kind of just not give them my full attention. For some reason right now though, my stomach is hurting terrible as he mentioned that. But it wasn't because I was hungry or anything.

"I was talking to Arthur," says Matthew. Ah, my gut feeling was right.

Have you ever noticed people use a certain tone when they talk to you about somethng particular? Like a perosn maybe that 's important to you and you can hear the caution in their voice? Well, I can hear that on Matthew's all the time, like sometimes he knows he's about to tell me something hurtful, but tells me anyway. Oh Matthew, I hope th eday never comes when one day I'll get so pissed and punch you in the face. Don't worry though, it goes for everyone, even me.

I feel all the blood rush to my face. If I want to speak, I'd probably be unable to. I feel like all the air in me is slowly being squeezed out and my lungs are unable to refill with air.

"Wanna know something he told me?" Innocently asked Matthew. He hadn't realized my face expression.

Everyone, well people that knew I was drowning in love, yes, that's a good way to put it, knew I was drowning in love for Arthur should know not to mention him to me, not now of all times. Kiku, Ivan, Francis, and Matthew to name a few. They pretty much know about how sensitive it is for me talking or mentioning Arthur. Well they _should _know, because how dettached I become with any of them if they upset me, even if I don't tell them anything. I mean, if they were my true friends, they'd know right away I was upset. Sometimes that very statement makes me question my relationship with any of them. I'm too complicated and stubborn. I have to understand that there's no way anyone in the world would ever understand my hidden meanings whether its gestures, the tone of my voice, what I say or anything like that. I have to understand that there's no one in this whole world that understands me fully. And I tell myself this whenever any of my friends don't get my hidden meanings, so I won't get mad with them. But sometimes I do and I don't speak for a few days maybe. I get really frustrated with myself. _Why do I have to be the only being in the world who thinks this much about anything? Why must I be alone? Why must my own desires and dreams of happiness bring me down? _I'm my own sadist. I think I like stressing out. Because as much as it hurts me, I still think about all these things. Maybe everyone in the world thinks in the moment or in the future, but I think about them. There's no in the moment or future or past for me, just them. Sometimes I think that i'll never be happy. But again, I prefer suffering in silence and never speak a word. Because as much as I want emotional satisfaction, I also want attention. And if they knew, my friends, all this I just said, they'd probably hate me and call me some coward for not telling them anything. And I already know I'm a coward. I don't need to be told by the people whom I'm suppose to trust, but really, I have never trusted anyone, with my emotions anyway. Because I always end up hurting. And as much as I don't want to sound like some jerk or selfish, I always care a little more about my satisfaction then someone else's. Well everyone except Arthur. He's the only person that's understood me more than anyone else in the way I want to be understood. But, then again, he's still pretty far away from me in terms of thought. So I see it. I've never heard him or someone telling me _'hey, Arthur talked a lot about you today'_. Maybe some of my friends, Matthew or Ivan or Francis, have told _him _about how much I talk about him. I wish that happened. Someone telling me Arthur talked alot about me or bought me something and made a big fuss over it because it was for me. That'd make me really happy. But I know better. I should stop having those fantasies cause i'd never happen. Plus, honestly, i think I'm the only person in thw world that I know that'd do such a thing for someone and make it obvious. Well i'd hope it was obvious. I want to make myself well-rounded for whomever I end up with. I want to satisfy both physicly, materialisticly , mentally and emotionaly. I'd let whomever I'm in love with how lost i'd be without them. Again though, I will never find happiness, because I'm too complicated and too much work to have someone fall in love with me.

But at this point, I'm curious. I haven't spoken to him, so it also makes sense for me to want to know anything about him. Good thing Matthew hasn't bothered to look at my face. I love how friends are blind about my feelings sometimes. Sorry if I come off as a jerk.

"This little nation, Peter, is following Arthur. He's grown quite a liking to him. Almost as if he wants to attach himself to him! Isn't that cute!" Exclaimed Matthew.

I look into his smiling face with a blank expression. I look sideways, not bearing to stare at him.

"O-oh," I was able to utter. W-why is Matthew telling me this?

"What are you going to do?" Matthew asked me turning to me now. i quickly made a nervous smile so he wouldn't notice my watery eyes. Goo dthing he doesn't notice, even though I kind of did want him to.

"D-do? What do you want me to do?" I nervously ask. Its getting harder and harder for me to walk, because I feel like I can trip on anything, fall flat on my face, and will be unable to get up.

I guess Matthew figured if he told me, i'd do something or maybe he just wanted to tell me anything he knew about Arthur, figuring i'd want to know. Of course I want to know everything Arthur's been doing since I last saw him. But, I never wanted to know _this _much. I would have made a scene and yelled at Mattehw or something about now, but I couldn't, i'd be unfair of me. He's being a friend and telling me eveyrthing about him. But then again, i'd rather know than no tbe told anything at all. Why must my feelings always contradict each other?

"I thought you'd want to know. Peter asked Arthur if he can become a nation with him!" Matthew said.

Now when a nation wants to become a nation with another nation, that in our world is the equivelant of saying, _'hey lets be together like a couple! Give me a try!'_ That's a very too close and very intimate thing to suggest. Now knowing this, you cannot imagine ho wbadly it is to resist the urge of throwin gmyself on the ground, claw my fingers in the dirt, cry out as loud and hard as I can, and curse at the sky.

"R-really?" I say trembling under my breath.

"yeah. But Arthur turned Peter down."

_My throat hurts so bad. How many times have I growled now without doing it outloud?_

I find myself smiling. No, not a satisfactoy smile that I just beat a potential rival I didn't even know of but, I'm smiling to cover up my embarressment; I want to cry for the little guy. What kind of love rival am I?

But I felt jealousy, anger, frustration and despair consume my very soul. This Peter was located very close to where Arthur was. In fact, they where in the same continent! How was I suppose to compete with that? I was all the way here in another continet while this Peter was over there with him probably flirting with him! They would see each other almost every day and talk to each other thru mail and letters or just in person! That mad eme so angry. Someone else talking and seeing him more than I and I'm in love with him! wel of course Arthur has no fault in this, he is just doing what he wants like a human being. Its my own fualt for not telling him that I loved him. That's what made it all the harder no tto be angry. That's what mad eit all the harder to hold in my feelings and stress. But, I felt like crying righ tnow, and I don't think Matthew had really analyzed the damage he just did or could have predicted it. That's what sucked so much. I couldn't cry in front of anyone because they'd think I'm some weirdo or just exagerating. But the most hurtful thing was yet to come.

"Arthur told me this and he said it was okay for me to tell whomever I wanted to."

That stabbed me. I coudl feel somewhere in my chest, a throbbing, unbearable pain. I wanted to scream and weep in despair. Why? Its like the person you loved so much got asked out and then they told a friend and you find out because Arthur hadn't maybe considered someone out there, like me, in love with him. But I was pretty sure Arthur at least knew or suspected I liked him. I was pretty sure someone had told him. And knowign that Arthur probably knew I liked him made me feel even worse. If you knew someone probably liked you, you wouldn't want them to find out you rejected some guy but you were okay with them knowing about it in the first place. well I wouldn't like that. Unless . . . . he did that, tell Matthew it was okay, to give me some sort of warning? What if he wanted me to tell him. And this was some kind of 'push' for me from my side. To get me motivated to make my move. Then I shake that thought. _It couldn't be, Arthur isn't that type of person. Besides, what if i'm wrong? What i go to him and confess and he rejects me also and in the inside laughs and taunts me for ever thinking such a thing? _Now I felt angry, I felt like he just did this to show off in some way that he was desirable by others. Or it was just nothing. Damn mind of mine! I hate you for making me look into things too much! I thought I was desirable! Having someone thinking a lot about the little things you do! Am I suppose to be some ignorant jerk who just wants sex? Is this what the world has made relationships now? I thought I was rare, a good rare. A desirable, rare, person. Someone that would make you happy for you loving them. I must be very _very _wrong. No wonder I haven't noticed my ideal person, because they probably didn't exist. Then, what is it that I like about Arthur so much?

Now I felt dizzy, the poison was getting to my head now. I felt the world spinning. This was too much for me.

That kid, I didn't hate him. I know I should feel threatened by this kid, but I don't. In fact I feel like I should go hug him and make him feel better; consult and comfort him. The two of us wanted the same person, god knows what his intentions are, and he confessed and was reject to be a nation with Arthur. I looked up to this kid. In the litl etime he knew him [Arthur], he had what I didn't. The guts to tell someone ho wthey felt about them. Which truly made me feel all the more worse about liking him [Arthur]. It re-estableished a fear. A fear of being rejected. Can you imagine? The one person that you felt really undestood you the most and you ended up liking them rejecting you? It would be the end of my world. I can only imagine what Peter was going thru right now. Dammit Arthur, he's probably full of himself. But thinking that makes me smile. I'd like to see his face when the kid told him all of that, it must have looked hilarious.

Matthew then brought me inside his house and dragged me onto the couch, where he then brought some food. I stayed very quiet, but my face looked at peace. Like I was ready to die or something.

"You want to see a picture of him? Arthur sent me a picture!" Said Matthew with enthusiam.

_Damn, I can't run away cause I can't walk. Dammit Matthew._

I knwo I just go tthru saying I want to comfort Peter, but why the hell would I want to look at him? Does Matthew want me to send bad people to this poor kid that's suffering a lot right now? I don't want to hate him because I feel pity for him. Seeing him will only fillme with anger! And why the hell does Arthru take a damn picture of him and go e-mailing it? So what if their friends! I don't care! It only makes me hate myself even more for us having our seperation! But I could just be exagerating. Whatever, I don't care, because Matthew has just made me too angry to listen to reason right now. I'm clawing on the leather sofa and eating very slowly now from building tension and anger.

"Oh darn, I can't find it," Says Matthew mumbling. I smile and I'm rejoicing in my head! I would have probably torn that picture in half. Well not because I hated the kid, i'd do that because the idea of Matthew eager to show me a picture of this Peter made me think 'hmmm, is Matthew rubbing in the fact that maybe someone else likes Arthur as much as I do?" or something. I don't care if I sound like a complete jerk always assuming everything in relevance to Arthur is about making me jealous, or angry, or sad! I want to spoil myself for once and think of it as that way because I'm sorry bu tthat's the way I see it! And I will continue to alway ssee it that way until the day I tell Arthur ho wI feel abou thim or the day, if by chance, he does with me! But like I said, its a one-sided attraction. There's no way Arthur would ever return my feelings. So i'm stuck being a hateful, cowardly, lonely person for the rest of my life. Which is fine, because i've always though tmyself as one. As the person who loved to think everyone should care about me and I'm so special and loved to make myself the victim in everything. I must be a disgusting human being.

Matthew leaves the room for a while now, so I take this opportunity to try to escape. I can't stand being in thi sroom any longer! The more i'm around him and hearing my thoughts is making me want to hate everythign right now. So I shove a bunch of food in my mouth, roll of the couch, and drop on the floor, where I crawl outside into the backyard. I keep crawlin gand crawling in the grass as fast as I can whiel the sun is still barely up. But I have to hurry because on one side of the sky, stars and darkness is forming, and in the other there's sunlight and hope. I hope I make it home.

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**END**


	8. Broken Silence

**A/n: Yeah, its been a while. I know I know, I will try to update more! xD**

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_A record player. That's how it is._

"Sir, is that you? Help! He's back! He's injured and unable to get up!" Yelled someone in a panic. I couldn't open my eyes to see, but I could hear my soldiers, about three, running, their boots stomping on the puddles of water that were forming from the rain falling heavily. I can't feel my body. At least the pain is gone. I feel two of them pull my arms over their shoulders.

"Is he conscious?" One asked.

"No, I don't think so. When I came out to move the plants around he was already there," said another.

"He might be very sick."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well he's smiling. Who smiles in his condition."

"What? Smiling?"

I was happy because I was returning home to my usual daily life again.

_I want to return to my life as a record player. Where I could predict what would happen and live a relatively calm, ordinary life._

"He must be glad to return home," laughed a soldier as they pulled me inside and brought me upstairs.

But I knew I could never return to that lifestyle. Because inside I was broken. Broken with overwhelming despair and uneasiness.

_I'm like a damn broken record player, always stuck on the same track, saying the same old thing. _

"No, he's been under so much stress. He's just smiling to put up a tough act. Like to show that he has to get past his depression."

_A broken record player. All the tape and glue in the damn world couldn't fix me. I'm unabel to be fixed and change the track I am stuck on._

Not until Toris came along.

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Chapter 8: Broken Silence

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"Hello? How can I help you?" I ask looking straight into a young male's face that stared me at God knows how early in the morning in my own bedroom.

"You can help by getting off my bed!" I yelled kicking the guy off my bed.

"But im here to make you comfortable."

"Comfortable? I just saved your behind from other countries is all!" I exclaimed as I pulled my bed sheets over my head.

_This kid's getting very annoying._

"You want me to cook food? Some breakfeast?"

"Sure," I uttered annoyed. I heard him get up from the floor and walk toward the door.

"WHAT?" I ask because he hasn't left.

"Nothing. _Arthur_," he laughed.

"WHAT? You _annoying _s. o. a-!" I started throwing pillows at his direction till I heard the door close. I angrily turned to one of the sides of my bed and grabbed my glasses that sat on the small table I kept besides my bed.

"That Toris! Who does he think he is listening to my sleep talking?" I mumble angrily as I clenched my fist annoyed. I sigh as I turn to my window, where the morning sun started to warm up my room.

_I can't stay pissed at him. He has kind of grown on me._

"Are you two going steady? Long distance relationship?" He yelled from below laughing.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled as I stomped my foot on the floor angrily.

This is going to take some time getting used to.

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Let me get this straight to the point. I saved Toris from being bullied. Well my boss did. Not that I don't like to help, its just that I know how much trouble i'd be for me. I was still under my little 'depression' stage when I took him in, so it was kind of hard for me to open up myself to the little guy. But, I found we had so much in common and I actually like him very much. He's nice, engaging in conversation, actually contributes when we speak, basicly I enjoy everything about him. Its just those moments he makes me angry on purpose. Well not make me angry, just tests my patience. But yeah, he's okay. Well, he's better than okay. He might be physicly weaker than me, but he is a hell of a lot tougher than me emotionaly. Maybe that's why I respect him so much.

"Alfred! Don't read at the table!" Yelled Toris as he smaked my hand with a greasy spatula. He was cooking bacon in my small kitchen.

"Ow ow ow ow! You hurted me!" I cry licking my throbbing hand.

"That's not a word and you really shouldn't read at the table. especially your dirty p-"

"SHUT UP! YOUR EMBARRESING ME!" I squeal turning my whole body around in the chair and face my back to him crying, my face red.

"Oh and by the way, are you wearing that apron to infatuate me cause if you are you are sadly mistaken FOR I AM FAITHFUL TO MY BELOVED!" I yell in a bold way.

"You mean the guy whom doesn't even know you've been crushing on him for months now and doesn't give an obvious damn about you and has no need for your love? Then yeah. He sounds like a real charm!" Said Toris making fun of me in an undertone of evilness.

"Aww that was cruel!" I exclaim placing both hands on my heart. The two of us then started laughing. Lets just say i've come to the point where Toris has taken up all the time I would have been worrying and crying over how depressed I was, to making me feel better and happy and even openly joke about my situation. This kid is wonderful.

"Where are we going today?" Asked Toris as he placed our plates on the table. I started to stack up scrambled eggs, bacon strips, and pouring strawberry jam on it as the pile sat between two pancakes like some weird breakfeast burger.

"I was thinking of visiting someone," I mumble. I jabbed a fork thru the delicious looking breakfeast sandwhich.

"I'm coming too."

"Why?" I said with a stuffed face.

"Because if you don't take me, i'll burn your house down."

"I-i'll buy another one!"

"And your stack of irrepleacable por-"

"TORIS I WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME!" I exclaim worriedly.

"I thought so," said Toris picking up our plates. As I breathed ina panic, he just gave me a cold smile.

"I thought so."

* * *

Dammit, I really hate Toris sometimes. I'm guilty of having a soft spot for me. But, he's my new friend I made and well, I should drag him down with my urk feelings about Arthur. What fault does he have? Well, my other friends like Matthew and Ivan don't really help. -Sigh-. Maybe Toris is the only friend I have that hasn't seen the dark, depressed side of me.

"Toris, walk faster will you?" I mumble as I yank on his hand for him to speed up. The two of us were walking hand in hand thur the woods, me leading us.

"I can't, your walking to fast!" He exclaimed as he walked a little faster to catch up with my pace. His hand felt so warm and sticky, I could feel it past my glove.

"Hey Toris. You hot or something? Your hand is all wet and sticky," I mumble as I turn to him puzzled.

"W-well that's cause of the warmth of the area!" He explains in a haste. Hmm, but its the middle of November, there's no way its warm. He must be havign some manly menapause I guess.

"-sniff sniff- Why are you wearing perfume?" I mumble leaning over him close.

"Oh, uh, well, because I like it better than cologne!"

"Oh."

"Y-you like it?"

"I guess. Its the perfume I would pick for my girlfriend to wear!" I exclaim laughing as I hip bump him. He'd usually laugh and do it back at me again, but, he just kept silent and looking down at our feet.

"S-so, where are we going exactly?" Toris asks.

"To go see Francis," I say with a sigh that said _its gonna be a long visit._

"Oh, still with the counseling?"

"Yeah."

I wonder if Toris ever felt it annoying that almost everything I did or spoke had something or someway manipulated by my feelings for Arthur. I wonder if he found it disturbing?

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"Oh goody goody! You are here! I thought you like totally forgot about me!" Exclaimed Francis as he walked in between me and Toris and pulled his arms over our shoulders, closing the wooden door with his left leg.

"Nah, I wouldn't! You _do _make the best food!" I laugh.

"Ah, can't pass up the offer of free food, no?" Francis laughed along with me. Then as we stopped in the middle of his living room, I felt Toris grab my right sleeve.

"Something wrong?" I asked as I calmed down. He looked at the floor, not daring to glance up.

"Is something the matter?" Asks Francis as he walks up to us. But Toris immediately makes a high, squeak sound, like he was terrified, and hides behind me, his small, trembling hands holding onto my shoulders for dear life.

"Ah, I get it, he is afraid of me. Its okay little Toris, I understand. After you've been used and dumped, I can see how upseting it-"

Before Francis could finish his sentense, Toris ran off into another room, out of sight from us.

"Dammit Francis!" I yell as I smack him in the back of the head.

"What did I say?" He asked as he rubbed his sore head.

"You said the forbidden words _'used' _and _'dumped'_, thats what!" I hissed angrily.

"Oh, he is sensitive about that still?" Asked Francis.

"Well its human to! Gosh Francis, why are you so heartless! You should have considered his feelings! Can't you see he's still recovering from-!" Before I yelled anymore, I noticed the sly smile Francis was giving me.

"W-what?" I ask impatiently.

"You really have taken a liking to this kid, no?"

"Well yes! I love him! He's very close to me!"

"And when you say love, my dear Alfred, you mean love _love _or-?"

"He's very important to me kind of love!" Francis laughs a little, I feel my face reden. Anger? No, more like nervous.

"Look at yourself Alfred, I doubt it is just that kind," Francis says as he places a elbow on his hand, a hand under his chin that makes a movement at me. He was right. I stood tall, sturdy, my legs itching to just kick something. My arms trembled in anger, my hands in fists. I looked ready to attack someone. My face was very viscious, and not to mention burning in warmth and red. Well, actually from my cheeks to my chest I was burning in warmth. I slouch my shoulders so I wouldn't give off a viscious demeanor anymore. I placed a hand on my mouth in disbelief. Good thing my mouth was closed, I didn't seem so surprised by Francis's comments, well on the outside anyway.

"N-no Francis, I . . . ," I couldn't make out words. I just felt my heart beating faster and faster, to the point I can actually hear it as it throbbed in me.

"Come Alfred, lets sit and talk," said Francis as he sat on a leather red couch. I sit besides him, confused and nervous.

"So, how are things with Arthur?"

"I haven't spoken to him since he left."

"Oh really? How do you keep up about news on him?"

"Friends tell me. Or I hear that they did something with him, n-nothing really," I stared at my hands that were on my lap, I started moving my fingers nervously. I wasn't looking him in the face, I didn't want Francis to see how red my face was.

"My boy, your voice is trembling, like you want to break into weep. Do you get jealous or angry?"

"I . . . . I _do _want to cry. I do get jealous. When he does something with someone else or the sheer thought of him being with someone else. It makes me very angry and upset and jealous. Why didn't he invite _me_? Why can't _I _just yell at him and tell him how upset I am? Because he'll hate me and think I'm weird for being angry of him hanging around friends. For God's sake, i'm jealous of _Matthew _and _Ivan_! I don't like the thought of him being happy and social with other people. I don't like it! It makes me worry someone else will try to take him. And people _have _tried! I can't do anything because it'll seem suspicious on my part!" I utter as my voice get sweaker and weaker. My body slouches forward to the point where I'm holding my own elbows with my arms. I want to cry so bad.

"Are you scared of being rejected if you tell him your feelings? Maybe he already knows. You must know how he'd react, if your avoiding him."

"D-does it seem like I'm avoiding him?"

"Well, _you _haven't talked to him."

"B-but, i'll seem desperate."

"My boy, someone's probably _already _told Arthur. I mean, _who _in the world doesn't know you love him?"

"I'm scared. I'm so stubborn. I want him to realize I like him, I can't get him out of my mind, I miss and think about him every second so much I hate myself! Francis, I hate myself! I doubt everything I say! I uncosciously have my world revolve around him!"

"So, you don't want to talk to him, you want him to talk to you first, is that right my boy?"

"Yes."

"Hmm. That is quite difficult. I'm sorry my boy, either way, I see this backfire. You cannot keep waiting for him to do something. Maybe he likes you too and hasn't said anything? Hmm? Weren't you two close? Actually, let me rephrase that, the closest? Out of everyone he knows, you and him were unseperable. You two talked constantly. And you two were so cute when you'd get angry at each other. You two could keep each other occupied for hours. No, you could keep _him _occupied for hours. I've never seen that. Arthur is so tsundere and so confined to himself. You got him to open up and he obvious, to me, cares a lot about you. You are one of the most amazing people _i've _ever met Alfred. I wouldn't give meeting you up for anything in the world. You can easily put a smile on anyone's face. As stupid and arrogant you are sometimes, you really are happy and a joy to be around with. Arthur should thank the Gods every day for having you come into his little pathetic life," smiled Francis as he placed a hand on my left shoulder that was right besides him. I cracked a smile as I clutched my pants with both hands.

"R-really?"

"Oh yes. Your probably whats most on his mind. You make him laugh, smile, haven't you ever noticed he gets you expensive gifts and listens to everything you say? He understands you. Its just that sometimes he can be thick-headed and dense. But, none the less, don't be so heard on yourself,no? Your keeping all the stress and anguish to yourself. Why don't you share it or at least take a deep breathe and tell yourself '_this is not stressing. To be in love should is the greatest thing inthe world and nothing to kill myself over.' "_

"Y-yeah. I should let myself carry all that. Your right Francis!" I exclaim as I hug him. I feel so happy now, hearing this man has lifted my spirits. But, surprisingly, Francis doesn't hug me back. I pull away.

"Er, Francis, what's wrong?" I ask smiling cluelessly.

"The walls have eyes," he whispered as he stared behind me. "Don't move, or he'll know we know he's listening to us."

"But Francis who-"

"Tell me Alfred. Did you know that Toris loves you?"

"W-what?" What's Francis telling me? T-Toris? In love with me? No, this can't be happening.

"He is deeply in love with you. I can see it a mile away," smiles Francis as he pants my back. I stare at him with widened eyes in frozen shock. He wasn't kidding.

"Toris, come over here. I can see you," called out Francis as he pulled a arm around me and pulled me close to him against his chest. A door fastly opened, Toris stepping in the room. He looked tense, nervous and most unmistakenly of all, blushing like mad.

"Y-yes?" He asked as he walked slowly in front of us, not looking in our direction.

"You don't like me Toris? Or is it because i'm holding Alfred so close to me?" Asked Francis as he laughed. Nobody else did. I stared hard at Toris's face that wouldn't turn to look at us. I was waiting for him to give me some sort of sign to shine truth into what Francis was saying. He flinched a little, now trembling more and slowly shook his head.

"Oh really? You don't love him? I thought you did, well if you don't-" Francis pulled me even closer to himself, and then he did the one thing I'd never expect him to do to me of all people, he grabbed me. Not just grabbed me, but grabbed me in the most sensitive and warmest part in my whole body at this moment. My cock.

"Ahhhhh!" I let out a soft moan as I felt my lower region throb with excited heat that has been saving up for God knows how long. My face flushed completely red. My damn mouth wouldn't stop moving, wouldn't stop moaning! The last thing I wanted to be doing in front of someone who apparently 'loved' me by the cause of another.

"STOP IT!" Toris hissed as he grabbed onto my jacket and pulled be away from Francis. I groaned in pain and fell on my knees. It hurts a lot being grabbed then all of a sudden being pulled away as your being grabbed. I tried calming my breathing as I looked up at Toris, who glared at Francis. Francis stood up.

"Heh, now do you believe me Alfred?" He smiled as he placed both hands on his hips.

"H-he was just being a friend," I huffed as I got to my feet, Toris pulling me up. I couldn't help but reajust my pants and pull them up again. As I was, I felt Toris lock his arm under my right one.

"-" Toris had whispered something, but neither me nor Francis could hear.

"Oh, what's that my boy, speak up!" Said Francis as he now crossed his arms in fornt of his chest.

"I said, DON'T TOUCH HIM!" Toris yelled. I smile nervously at Toris.

"Toris, calm down, Francis is my friend and so are you. He didn't do anything to-"

"I LOVE YOU!" Yelled Toris as he finally looked straight at my face, his eyes swollen with tears and his face completely red. His poor, trembling eyes just stared into my shocked expression. He then unhooked his arm and then pushed the front door open, and ran off into the bright forest in front of Francis's home-like mansion.

"I told you," said Francis as he walked towards the door.

"Why?" I asked, my tone growing angry."Why did you tell me, why Francis? Why did you do that! Now we can't be . . . ."

"Because, stupid Alfred, he was never going to. We'd have another AlfredxArthur scenerio all over again. So now what are you going to do Alfred?" Asked Francis giving him a _I dare you to run after him _smirk.

"I HATE YOU FRANCIS!" I yelled angrily, knowing he had a point, and ran into the woods.

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Toris was supposed to be my friend. He was suppose to be the one person that I can turn to when my world turned black and depressing. The one friend I could actually be happy with without Arthur even crossing into my mind. And now, he loves me? How awful it must have been for him to hear me talk about Arthur. How painful it must have been that, living so close and under the same room with the person you love most in the world, blabbed and obessed about someone else they loved, and not you. I must be the awfulest, most stupid person in the world to not see this coming.

"Toris! TORIS!" I yell as I run thru the woods.

What am I going to do? I'm going to lose him! What can I do? What can I _do_!

I turned my head sideways to my left, where I heard a soft, crying male voice. I could see Toris on the ground, sitting in a fetus position, holding his legs close up to his chest, his face on top of them, covering his probably red and wet face. I run up to him and kneel in fornt of him. As I grab his shoulders, he looks up to me.

"Alfred, are you going to kick me out now?" He asked, not bothering to even clean his face.

"What? Why would I-?"

"You love _Arthur_, not me. You just had me around as some sort of emotional replacement for him! You had me around to help you forget all about him, didn't you? All that time we spent together was all lies!"

What is Toris saying, why is he lashing out so much, where did all this come from all of a sudden?

"TORIS! CALM DOWN!" I yell at him as I shake him a little. He quiets down.

"You weren't a replacement. Your special to me. Didn't you hear anything Francis said about you and me? I . . . . truth is, i'm very fond of you." I turn my face away from his, feeling myself go red.

"Alfred, I didn't tell you I love you just so you could blurt out your feelings too."

Oh Toris, you are so smart.

"But, then-?"

"I don't know what I want Alfred. But I don't want to force you to also blurt out all your feelings. I don't know what I want. I'm . . . confused," he lifted his hands to grab the sides of his head.

"I'm scared Alfred. My body gets so warm and nervous when your so close to me and I love everything about you. I don't like seeing you so close to anyone. It makes me angry and jealous. I've never felt that before about anyone! I've never wanted to hurt anyone before like today! I just wanted to punch Francis in the face and keep you to myself and tell him to styay away, that you aren't his. I love hearing you talk about Arthur because one day I'd like to be missed and over-thought like that too! By you. Your the most amazing, interesting and just wondeful person I've met. Alfred, I fell in love with you, hard and fast." He cried. I take my sleeve and wipe his face and shake my head.

"No you didn't Toris. You have a reasonable liking to me. I don't blame you," I smile confortingly at him. Its true, this happened before while I still loved Arthur also, pretty big coincidence huh? I also thought I fell in love too fast and hard. I've had confessions like this come from people I should have expected but never had really crossed my mind. But, that first time that happened was so scary, I didn't know what to do or say. But Toris, he was just like me. Longing to be in the person they loved's thoughts. Wanting to see them every single day. Have no one else but themselves have the privelage to be so close and intimate to them. Toris and I were so alike. It was impossible for at least one of us _not _to fall in love with the other.

"I don't know what I want either," I mutter as I slide my arms around him and press him against my chest, against _me_.

"Alfred, I can hear your heart," Toris mumbled as his breathing calmed down. I take in a deep breathe and exhale as I place my chin over his soft, brown hair.

"I can feel your face going warm," I laugh.

"Alfred, what are you doing? Hugging me like this? You know I . . . . "

"For just this moment, can we stop thinking about our actions and just . . . . enjoy this?" I utter. I had no idea what I ment, but, my body sure did. I could feel my whole body relax as I sat on top of my bent legs and made myself more comfortable my repositioning my arms around Toris. I could feel him breathe in and out at peace.

"You don't know how much I needed a moment like this," he murmurs in a low voice.

"You don't either," I murmur back. The two of us could hear our breathing getting softer and softer, our eyes closing little by little and our bodies bending over and over to the side. Soon, we both fell asleep, my arms locked around Toris, Toris snuggled up comfortably on me, as we plopped on the cold earth and grass, the shade of the trees covering us as a quiet wind blew thru them, rustling the dying leaves as the sky darkened.

Quiet steps walked up to our huddled and close bodies, steps of someone that had been watching us this whole time.

"You bloody casanova," mumbled a low voice in a longing way as they slid a white envelope in my brown coat. They fixed the black cape they wore, pulled the hood of it even higher over their yellow spiky hair, and walked away, looking behind as they did so with that longing expression and sad smile engraved on their face.

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**a/n: review!**


	9. Unresolved Feelings

**A/n: ****Okay people, as you might now, this whole story is based off of Alfred's point of view, so I can't really put the mental thoughts of the characters. Sorry? xD**

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_Chapter 9: Unresolved Feelings_

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"So Arthur, did you see them?" Asked Francis as he sipped some coffee, sitting on his couch, as Arthur walked in and pulled the black hood from his head. He seemed upset.

"Yeah, I did. Those two are going to get sick if they sleep out there. Its almost night," mumbled Arthur, his head down as he sat across Francis on the other couch.

"You angry?"

"WHY WOULD I BE!" Yelled Arthur instantly at Francis. He then turned away as Francis's grin widened.

"He tells me he thinks you're going to make the first move. Says he can't because i'd be too awkward from his part."

"Did you give him that damn speech about him being the greatest person in the world?" Asked Arthur in a soft voice, the anger going away.

"Yes. Just as you told me. I even made it cornier," smiled Francis taking another sip.

"Good," Arthur weakly smiled.

"Little Britain, when are you going to tell him?"

"H-he really does love me, doesn't he?" Asked Arthur as he unbuttoned his cloak.

"Your pretty stupid Arthur, aren't you? In love," snickered Francis.

"Shut up you bloody pig. I'm not some damn womanizer."

"Heh, I wounder where Alfred got it from then. Not the woman part anyway. -snicker- You haven't visited me in quite a while Arthur, what gives?"

"How many times has it been?"

"Um, lets see, its been about 4 times since you come in to ask me about him. You've wanted to come more times, no?"

"Yes, I have. Does he still talk alot about me like at first when we seperated?"

"My little Arthur, I can't tell you _everything _he tells me. That's an invasion of privacy. I will mearly tell you things he wants you to know in my opinion. Or he figures you should _already _have picked up anyways. He has another one now," said Francis.

"I saw. Toris, the Lithuania fellow right? What happened? Those two were crying and _hugging _out there," said Arthur as he spitted out the last words of that sentence.

"They were? Well, I helped Alfred notice Toris is in love with him."

"What!" Exclaims Arthur, feeling betrayed.

"Yes, I told the two. And don't you yell at me for interfering. Your more _'maturer' _and all, _you _should know what your doing with Alfred. Toris though, the poor thing, he's desperately in love with him. I tell you, they were made for each other," smiles Francis.

"And Alfred, what did he say?"

"He won't reject the little guy, we both know that. We're talking about _Alfred _and his new friend Toris. They don't spend alot of time together, but, you can feel the love around those two. They complete each other. But, if you don't mind me saying, I think you need _him _more than you think."

"What?" Arthur pulls up from the couch, away from Francis.

"Deny it all you want little Arthur, he might have huge flaws but, you have to admit, once anyone gets to know him, he's irresistable. He'd make lots and lots of friends if he opened himself up more. Doesn't that make you jealous? That makes _me _jealous. You'd be straightout lying if you didn't feel the same. You know, right Arthur? Your not stupid, you know he _would _do better. You better thank the Gods each and every night he doesn't talk to many people. But you, on the other hand, are being unfair. He hears about all the things you do with people, and inside he might be angry and drowning in jealousy, but, he can only display sadness when it coems to you. He becomes an emotional trainreck. Pityful really, with all his self-awarness and mature analyzation skills, you'd think that be his least fault. I can honestly say he is incapable of controling his emotions, even if he is a rational thinker. If he were to get dumped, he'd know he was being desperate and intrusive and clingy, but still he'd call the person to ask why they wanted to break up, even if he's made an endless mental list of reasons why and play out scenerios and combacks to get the person back. He could be so much more if it weren't for that. You understand what i'm saying, right Arthur? He's become a bigger train wreck cause of you. This is bold of me, but i'll say it now, _this is all your fault," _mumbled Francis with a cold voice. Arthur looked straight at the man with a confused face expression. Then it turned viscious.

"My fault? MY FAULT! None of this is my fault! How dare he-!"

"He didn't say anything about faults. He sees himself as a pathetic crying coward. There is really no one at fault here. But, you are the oldest, the most composed one. You might be maturer but Alfred is more 'aware' of things if you get what I'm saying. At this rate, he _will _lose interest in you little Arthur, and you, knowing he loves you, would you be upset by it? Hmm?"

"I . . I . . . ," Arthur kept stuttering. Not able to come up with an answer. Francis laughed and leaned over to Arthur and ruffled his hair.

"Ah Arthur, you'd probably ignore it huh? His feelings. Its not like it ever ment anything to you, right? Cause that's what it looks like. You are porbably weirded out by the thought of someone liking you so much. Its understandable! Alfred will like Toris _instead_. Anyway, thats what Alfred thinks. That he's creeping you out, that your ignoring him, that you might be angry with him. Lots of questions run thru his pretty little head, but all he knows for sure is he can't make the first move. Not know anyway, and i'm behind him all the way," smiles Francis. Arthur stares at him blankly.

"I . . . . I have to go now," mumbled Arthur as he pulled the cloak over his head.

"Oh and by the way Arthur, I hope you can come to the, well, you-know-what."

" . . . no promises," said Arthur.

"This is your last chance Arthur. He planned this party out himself. I wonder if he'll openly invite you."

"M-me too," Arthur mumbled. As Francis led the short british man out of his house-like-mansion and onto the patio, Francis kept the door a crack open as he and Arthur waited for Arthur's horse coach to arrive.

"Hey frog, you think he'll be angry if I don't come to his little party?" Asked England as he nervously looked at the ground.

"Consumed with anxiety and even more emotionaly damaged more like it. He is so sensitive, but, its cute," Francis smiles.

"Hah, cute, right."

"Honestly though, what the hell does he see in you? Your a bitter, sarcastic, violent and tsundere fellow. He is the opposite. Why you?" Said Francis in a whinney voice.

"I wonder that too sometimes. I really think he's great and fun and all, but, I feel like, i'm not a good match for him. Like if he were with me, he'd regret it."

"Oh hoh, if you only heard how much he whines about you. _'Do you think Arthur likes me better with glasses or without?' 'Do you think Arthur will like his gifts?' 'Do you think Arthur will come this time?'_ Its always Arthur this, or Arthur that! Kind of annoying really."

Arthur sighed.

"Its like he's terrified of you. Your judgement, what you'd say. And you, you make him misreable you little Brit!"

"Shut it pig."

"What's the matter, afraid to admit something? Fear? Nervous? Confused? Your scaring Alfred."

"Shut up!"

"He puts so much effort. There's no one at blame for anything, don't get me wrong, but you, you don't deserve him. He's too good for you."

"Francis . . ."

"You are lucky he'll forget about you eventually. I'm glad his suffering will end."

"Shut up you bloody-!" Francis then laughed and pointed at Arthur's carriage that jsut arrieved. Arthur sighed, spared the French man, and walked downstairs.

"Hey Brit, one thing I wanted to say," smirked Francis.

"What now you f-"

"I love him too," he smirked.

Francis smiles at Arthur as he closes the door, smilin as he savored Arthur's shocked expression. Arthur slowly walked in his carriage, sat down and stared at his shoes as the carriage started moving. He then meekly smiled to himself, a smiel that showed hurt and a twisted happiness growing inside.

"So much competition for you, huh Alfred?"

* * *

**a/n: review!**


	10. Why I love you

"Alfred . . . "

"Toris you really gotta stop muttering my name in your sleep."

"Ah . . !"

"And making suggestive noises," I mumbled as I blushed a little. I woke up in the pitch dark at night because of the freezing cold and noticed we'd freeze to death here if I didn't take us home. I tried waking up Toris once,but he didn't budge, so I decided to carry him home. Besides, he keeps my back warm. _Too _warm, but warm none the less. He's very cute when he sleeps. His face is very pudgy looking and fun to poke. He keeps muttering my name time to time and then 'ahh!' exclemation like he's hurting, but in a perverted good way, its making me blush a little. Of embarresement really.

"Hope you don't have a wet dream back there," I muttered. Cause if he does i'll have to drop him and roll around the nearest mud puddle I can possibly find. No offense Toris, but its just shy me.

"-sigh- That frenchie was no help again. I swear he just voices out everything I know. I don't need someone else telling me what's wrong, I need a guiding voice," I talk to myself. I must sound pretty weird. Wonder how people can put up with me. Lot sof people tell me I'm great and fun, but not until they see me depressed or angry or jealous. I swear I'm very territorial. About my things, myself, even my friends. Why is that, I don't know. You'd think a friend of mine would blush with pleasure if they knew I wanted their attention all to myself and loved them so much. Then again I'm very possesive. I must sound like a real jerk sometimes. I can't help it if I like you so much though! It just means you have a soft spot in me is all!

"Hey Toris, please wake up, I need soeone to talk to. If I keep this up, i'll have another whole conversation with myself. Its weirding me out and embarresing. I'm doing it right now! Won't you wake up for your good pal Alfred? C'mon. Wake uppp!" I whine. Nothing. Toris is fast asleep.

"-sigh- Dude, I hope you still don't feel weird around me cause you know I know you like me now. I mean, I don't think I feel weird myself. Do I? Nope. I just feel like I should be nicer to you, but I won't be cause I don't want you thinking I'm giving you my pity or special treatment and I won't reject you! My mind is wide open! Hah hah hah! Now if I have lots of admirers then that's a problem. I hope not. I mean, why the hell do you like me anyway? Is it my great amazing charm? My sexy attitude? My awesome body? My glasses? My-?"

"Your very nice and I like how you describe and talk about things. I enjoy and like how you talk and act and I like how you worry and how you describe things and its very funny to see you angry or worried," laughed Toris as he rubbed his eyes, waking up. I felt my face go red.

"Oh god did you hear he?" I asked nervously.

"Did you hear _me_?" He smiled.

"Yes."

"Well then that's your answer."

"B-but, aren't there people better than me? More mature and taller and-?"

"Yeah, but your just right for me," he said. I found myself blushing like mad.

"T-that's the nicest thing anyone's ever told me," I said.

"That's the nicest thing only I can tell you from my point of view," he said. Man, Toris really knows how to get to me.

"You are so cute sometimes, you know that?" I say nervously laughing.

"Yeah," he said. Oops, I think I stepped in a landmine. By complementing him, I remind both of us on how I know he likes me even though he knows I like Arthur the douchebad.

"S-so, did you know you talk in your sleep?" I asked him changing the subject.

"Do I? I know Edward and Ivan told me once." He said. Oh, the estonian fellow. I haven't seen him much.

"Really, what they say?" I ask nervously.

"Well Ivan was pretty angry and didn't say anything. Edward said he preferred not telling me because Ivan would kill him. Taat kin dof scared me, you know?" He laughed. I meekly smiled.

"Yeah, pretty scary." That damn Ivan, now I'll never know!

"So, what are we doing when we get home?"He asked. Yeah, Toris referes to my home as his too. Since he lives with me now, I think its kind of nice he thinks of my place is that.

"I was thinking a bit of snaking before going to bed. Maybe some hot chocolate and cookies," I say.

"Sure, I can start baking as soon as we get there, and you can start the fire."

"Yeah. Er, are you sleeping in my room again or in the guest room?"

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Oh, sure! The warmer the better!" We both laugh. Oh, I hope I'm not misleading him. That be terrible.

"Hey, you mind me putting you down now?"

"Oh, sorry." As he slides down from my back, he suddenly holds my left arm with both of his.

"Er, are you that cold? You can have my coat if you want. I don't mind."

"N-no! Its just, I miss your warmth," he mumbled as he turned shyly away from me. Oh why is this making me nervous?

"Oh, that's cool then," I laugh to reassure him I don;t feel weirded out. I don't I just feel nervous.

* * *

"Chocolate or vanilla?"

"Oh, I want chocolate!" I exclaim as I drop the firewood in front of the fireplace.

"Okay!" He said as he skipped inside the kitchen.

"God he looks so cute in that pink apron," I mumble to myself depressed as I start placing the wood in the fireplace. I wonder if Arthru would look that cute in an apron?

-mental image-

Oh Alfred look what I got! Isn't it cute? Its a maid's apron I got! I thought we'd do something special tonight. . . -cue Arthur blushing shyly-

For me? Why Arthur, I don't know what to say . . . -cue me twinkling in delight-

Well, I think I know. -Arthur would walk up to be and hold my face. It looks like he's about to kiss me when . .- SCREAM IN PAIN! ! ! ! -He pulls and scratches my face in anger as he curses at me- HOW DARE YOU FANTACIZE ABOUT ME YOU BLOODY PIG I'D NEVER DO SOMETHIGN AS SEXY FOR YOU WHY YOU- ! ! ! !

-end mental image-

"AGHHHH! ! !" I screamed as I held myself.

"What's wrong!" Screams Toris runing inside.

"Oh, I just scared myself, hah hah hah . . . ," damn I shoudl know better than to fantacise about Arthur.

"Oh, okay, well if you need anything i'll be in the-"

"Hug me. I'm scared," I squeaked lifting my arms at him like a small frightened child. He hugs me.

"Er, you can let go now," I mumble.

"Oh, sorry!" He laughs nervously and goes into the kitchen without looking back at me. Did I hear him inhale my scent for a sec there? I curiously inhale my hair.

"Woah I smell like lotion and marshmellows," I mumble surprised. Back to me arranging the wood, I should know better than anyone to ever get as close as even thinking of hugging Arthur. Arthur lets almost anyone else I know well hug and share secrets with him. He lets Matthew hug him, he tells Ivan and Kiku secrets, Ivan, the guy I'm guessing everyoen else think sas annoying like myself, he even hugs Francis! BUT I? NOOO! ! I think the most I've ever done is shake his hand. I don't think I've ever even sat nex to him at a meeting. Except for maybe two or three times. Guess I am the least trustworthy of my little circle of friends. I mean, if Matthew or Francis or even Kiku keep secrets but share it with everyone else, what's the chances of me knowing something about Arthur that only I know? That get sme really angry and depressed thinking that. I'm so left out. The worst part is I don't blame them. But Toris, always hearing me out, tells me I'm just letting them get to me in a subcoscious way. He says I should be more secretive and not tell them anythign new about me. Afterall, I am, he's noticed, the last one to be informed or told anything cause they always think I'll but in or not understand. That's not true. I want to help! But, I'm too straightforward with it. Am I considered that 'stupid' and 'not understanding'? Or do they dont understand me well enough? -Sigh- Well I can't argue with them, they are the only friends I have right now. People who don't like to open themselves up can't be choosers, right? They think I'm such a coward though. It takes lots of guts to hold in what I have. I run on emotions, despite my ability of high self-awareness. I'm pretty amazing at that!

"Hey, done there yet? You can start on the hot chocolate now, the cookies are almost ALFRED WHAT ARE YOU DOING? !"

"Huh?" I look at my hand, at my coat sleeve, and notice its on fire with the lighter I just lit on. I started screaming as I took my coat and shirts off, unecessarely all of them, and thorw them on the gorund and start stomping on them like crazy.

"-pant pant- There, I put it out!"

"Alfred what were you thinking? You could have burned yourself!" Exclaimed Toris as he placed his small warm hands on my shoulders. I shudder.

"I was thinking. Geez its cold, and those were my last clean shirts," I utter as I felt a breeze fly past us. Toris sighed and headed for upstairs.

"I'll go get you some of mine," he mumbled. As I blew on the fire to catch on with the wood in the fireplace, Toris threw me a long sleeve, white button shirt.

"Wear that, its the biggest thig I have," he said as he stood behind me.

"Aww you made me feel fat," I mumble as I put it on. I noticed I couldn't button up the shirt.

"Oh, I can't button it up. Well, I am a little too broad in the chest," I sigh defeated as I head for the kitchen. As I pour milk in a pot and take out some chocolate bars, Toris sits in a chair behind me in my small kitchen table.

"Okay, I'll put in three chocolate bars," I say as I turn the stove on and crack the chocolate bars into lots of pieces.

"Yeah, you do that," mumbled Toris, his head resting on his crossed arms as he rested himself on the table, staring at me in a sleepy way almost. I like Toris. Arhtur would have probably called me suicidal if he had caught me like that, but Toris on the other hand just shows how relieved he is about me not getting hurt. He always looks at the positives, while Arthur can't help looking at the negatives. I do too though. I can't help not looking at the negatives. Because more negative things happen in our lives then positive.

"So Toris, you think lots of people are going to show up at my party two nights from now?" I ask as I take out a wooden spoon and start mixing it. Toris gets up.

"With my back-breaking cooking I hope so. Francis said he'd come over early in the morning to help cook too. Hey, I'm going to go get your clothes and see if I can still save it."

"Okay!" I exclaim as I start thinking about the kinds of foods I'd like the two of them to cook.

* * *

"I hope that Arthur doesn't come," mumbled Toris as soon as the door closed right behind himself. He has never met Arthur, believe it or not, so he didn't know much about him aside from what people would tell him. Toris picked up the burnt clothes, looking and pocking thru to see if he coudl still save it with his sewing skills. All of a sudden, a letter falls out from Alfred's brown coat.

"What's this?" He asked. He opened the white envelope and read in it. His eyes grew wide as he finished.

"Arthur? Wants to . . . ?"

"Hey Toris! Its done! C'mon so we can eat together!" Alfred yelled form the kitchen.

"I'm on it!" Exclaimed Toris as he slid the letter in his sleeve, not planning to tell Alfred about it.

* * *

"So I was thinking about baked goods, hot soups and hot drinks, chocolate, all that warm christmas food! I mean, Christmas is coming so why not get some warm food, right?" I ask as I shoved some cookies in my mouth.

"Yeah, that sound nice. How many people did you invite?"

"Well I just invited my closest friends/enemies. You know, keep your friends close, your enemies closer? !" I laugh.

"Yes. I know you probably had this going thru your head but, you think Arthur is coming?" Toris looked away from me as he held his mug. My smile went sensitive, like anything can make me frown now.

"Oh, well," I blush, "I hope he can. Francis said he was going to talk to him and stuff. He said someone is bound to know," I mumble. I feel my legs trembling. Am I ready to see Arthur? What am I going to tell him? Surely someone by now has informed him about me liking him. What if he wants nothing to do with me? He hasn't talked to me. He usually talks to me first. What am I going to do if-?

"Calm down Alfred," mumbled Toris as he placed a hand on mine. I felt my legs stop shaking, my thoughts cease. He leans over the table.

"You don't have to worry about him. You don't even know if he even thinks about you every second of his life like you do for him," mumbled Toris.

"B-but . . ," I felt my voice disappearing. My ability to talk went away. My body leaned forward over the table too. I could see it now: the two of us meeting halfway down the table, about to kiss. We both could see it in our eyes. Then, the sound of lightning sounded and flashed nearby. We both pulled away fast before we could meet each other half-way. The two of us sat nervously on each end of the table as more thunder followed by a downpour of rain hit everything outside.

"Alfred I-"

"No, I'm . . I'm sorry To-" I stopped talking, because I felt my eyes start watering. Why? Why did I suddenly start crying. I covered my face with one sleeve.

"I'm sorry Alfred! I . . . I-! !"

"I can't kiss you because if I ever want something like this, I don't want to be thinking of someone else while I kiss you," I mutter as I dry my face. I looked up beyond my blurry vision, past my glasses at Toris.

"I understand. Its just that, I really . . ."

"Want something, even if its to fool yourself on purpose. Yes, I feel that a lot too, with _him_," I utter, knowing its now a sensitive subject to bring up for the both of us. He slams his hand on the table.

"Why? WHY ALFRED? ! Why can't I . . . why can't I be in your thoughts as much as I have you in mine? Why can't I be Arthur's equal? ! Does he get first dibs in your mind because you met him first? Are you sayin gyou'd like me if you met me first? !" Yelled Toris in a stressed tone as he shook in his seat, covering his eyes now from me seeing him tear up.

"No, I think a lot about you too," I say smiling as I get up and slowly put my arms around his neck and shoulders.

"D-do you?"

"Yes. I think about how you can liek me and how helpful and thoughtful you are and how patinent you are with me and my idiocy and blanking out and how cute you look like when your wearing your apron and why you moan my nam ein your sleep. I think a lot about you Toris. More than any of my friends or enemies. More than Arthru. Because your here right now with me. We're here in each others presence, listening to each others words, breathing the same air form the same room. Feeling each other's same warmth," I mumble as I rub my left cheek on his soft brown hair. I could hear him stop crying. He slides his hands on my arms that still held him.

"I like you alot Alfred."

"I know."

"I mean a _lot_."

"I can see."

"I don't like Arthur, he only hurts you."

"Yes."

"He hurts us."

"Yes."

"I want to hurt you too, if I were to leave you."

"Don't say that. You'd take half of me with you. I love you Toris, I really do."

"But you love Arthur more. Do you love him because nobody else can love him for who he is?"

"I don't know. I hope not. That is terrible. If a person loved you for your body and abilities and not your true inner self. What if they got run over and they were disfigured, or they were turned to a talking apple?" I laughed quietly.

"Only you'd say that," mumbled Toris a little annoyed. "Alfred, are you . . . are you creeped out that I like you?" Asked Toris.

"No. In fact, it makes me more happy to be myself. I always thought I was a boring, typical personalitied-person. But hearing from you and Francis describe me, I soun dprety amazing to be anyone's friend!" I laughed. "C'omn, lets go to bed. We're gonne be busy tomorrow cooking an dpreparing things a day ahead. I don't want us preparing anything on the day of the party," I smile as I pat Toris's back. He gets up the chair and collects our plates and places it in the sink.

"Let me just wash these. You can go ahead," he smiled.

"I'll go burn out the wood then!" I exclaimed as I walked in the living room. As I got a bucket of sand and threw it on the firewood, I felt happy inside. Knowing there is someone out there that felt so comfortable around me and caring so much about me and telling me all these things in person made me happy and content with everythign in the world. I sighed as I headed upstairs.

* * *

The lights were out, the room dark as Toris walked inside my room, the door closing behind him as he crept along the squeaking wooden boards. we both flinch hearing the thunder strike nearby. I was already in bed, taking my glasses off. I remember how we're both afraid of thunder. Especially him though. He told me that this one time he was locked out of his house during a thunderstorm. That must have been real scary. As h eput another cover over the ones I already put on the bed, he slides in wearing nothing but short pants and a white plain shirt. I only wore the shirt he gave me and my usual black shorts. He slid too far though in the bed and had his back touch my bare chest that was exposed due to me unabel to button up the shirt.

"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He panicked as he went to the way edge of the bed.

"Its okay its okay! You feel pretty cold. Why don't you get closer in here? Your hands must be awfully cold," I laugh. He nervously laughed back. Even though my face was facing the window, and light form the storm could only shine on my face, I could still tell Toris's face burning red as he scooted closer to me. He is so cute sometimes. He scoots in very close, his chest is now touching mine.

"I'm . . . sorry," he mutters in a slow, tired way. Oh god, I can tell he's getting pretty turned on. Of course, I see nothing wrong with it. He does like me after all, and well, besides Arthur, I really like this kid too. If anyone were to ever get too friendly or close to him, I'd porbably sock them in the face. Plus, we almost kissed. If it weren't for my 'dignified' way of saying 'no', we would have. I have a sure feeling I would like him if Arthur hand't 'beaten' him first. At this thought of me being unfair, I slide my right hand over him and pull him closer.

"Your cold, right?" I ask. He meekly nods.

"Don't think nothing of this," I say in a poor attempt to let him know not to get his hopes up for anything.

"It won't stop me though," he mumbled, almost smiling as he snuggles his warm head on my neck and places his hands on the sides of my chest. I could only smile, his warmth feeling so good against mine.

Five hours in our sleep, I wake up hearing a large thunder strike nearby, the flash of the light forcing me to wake up. I hope it doesn't rain like this when the party happens. I glance below my chin to see Toris smiliing, holding as tightly as he could latched onto me. I can't help but smile back.

"Al . . . f . red," he uttered in a low voice.

"I wonder if I talk in my sleep about you and Arthur?" I ask myself aloud as if I expected to be answered. I pet his brown, short hair a little, stare into his face until I fall asleep again.

* * *

**a/n: review! : )**


	11. Confusion

"Alfred . . . "

"Uh . . "

"Alfred~ . . . "

"W-what is it Tori . . ?" I reach out forward expecting to grab Tori's soft brown hair, but instead I grab curly blond locs. I open my eyes, even without my glasses, I could see it was Francis staring righ tat me, in bed with me, completely naked.

"AGH A FRENCHMAN!" I yell as I crawl away from him, get tangled in the covers, and end up falling on the other side of the bed, bringing all the covers down with me.

"What is wrong Alfred? Terrified to see a sexy man like myself in your bed?" He laughed as he peaked over the bed at me.

"W-what are you doing here?" I mumble as I take the covers off of me.

"What? Didn't Toris tell you? I'm going to help cook today! He went shopping for some more ingredients. Can you believe it, I get you all for myself to-!"

"I MEANT IN MY BED! !" I squeal as I throw the covers at his face.

"-sigh- Look, mind going out for a while? I need to change without you leering over at me," I say as I get up and put my glasses on. He somehow put all of his clothes on as he ran at me and grabbed me by the waist.

"Noooo I want to see you naked too!" He squeals. I make a sour, annoyed face.

"Dude get away from me! I need to start cleaning!" I exclaim as I shove him away and walk slam the door hard. "DON'T FOLLOW ME IN THE BATHROOM EITHER!" I yell. He gets off the floor, his playful smile frowning to a dead serious expression.

"I'm going to have you."

* * *

"Aw, where the hell is that vaccum from 20 years from now suppose to be invented?" I exclaim as I pick up big food crums off the couches and the floor. Luckily Toris cleaned some of my pants and shirts so I had somethign new to wear instead f his clothes. I was wearing a shirt and khaki pants, a handkerchief tied on my neck to use to dry the sweat off my forehead. I make a sour face.

"Oh god i hate cleaning. I don't know why Toris does it every day. Must have lots of patience," I mumble to myself as I reach for the broom. I find myself grabbing Francis's hand on the broom as he hands it to me.

"GAH SHOULDN'T YOU BE COOKING? !" I yell nervously as I take the broom form his hand.

"From the sounds of it, it seems you feel guilty about something," he mumbled as he slid onto the couch I just cleaned and tilted his head at me as it rested on th epalm of his hand.

"Oh, I, I have nothing to be nervous about!" I stutter as I start sweaping, avoiding his eye contact. Well its not like I did anything intimate with Toris or anythign that should mak eme uneasy right? Yeah, I just feel nervous cause Francis thinks we did. That bastard! Am I so easy to read? Who am I kidding even I'm pitying my own thoughts!"

"I didn't say nervous, I said guilty. But now that you mention it . . ," he laughs.

"I, h- why were you in my bed this morning? !" Hah! Now your the one that has to explain themselves!

"Me? You looked so cute kissing your pillow, I thought it be nice if I laid next to you and waited for you to hold me liek the pillow. Your such a heavy sleeper," he smiles.

"GAHH YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSE TO BE HONEST!" I yell at him as I playfuly slam the broom on his head.

"What's the matter? Did you and Toris do something you weren't suppose to?" He asks in a serious tone now. I sigh and turn to him.

"We slept together, not like having sex and sleep together, but, we slept in the same bed so close, and we . . . we almost kissed," I utter as I stare at the floor, " I feel guilty because he likes me and I don't want to make him have his hopes up for me."

"I see. Guilt is what's eating you. But tell me, you wouldn't be feeling guilty about that if you didn't feel wrong or regreted it. Do you think it was wrong or regret it?" Asked Francis. I looked up to him confused.

"I . . I don't know honestly. Knowing someone likes me makes me feel I guess, nicer? Not like pity nice but, I feel like I respect him more now. I don't want to leave him like me, like you said," I say.

"Hmm, so your saying he has a chance at you? Did he . . . did he mention how he thinks you'd like him if you would have met him first?" Asked Francis.

"Yes, h-he did. I didn't know what to tell him. Because somewhere in me, a voice was telling me I would have. But its about meeting someone at the right place and perfect time, right?"

"No," said Francis in a serious voice. I look at him taken back. I was sure he'd say yes.

"W-why no?" I ask nervously as I turn to him. I thought my small piece of advice for myself was correct for me to follow.

"Because, sometimes its just about knowing someone who loves you, like I do," he whispered as he stood up from the couch and stood in front of me, slightly taller than me.

"W-what are you talking about?" I mumble nervously smiling. He just stares seriously at me.

"N-no Francis . . . not you . . ," I mumble finally understanding his silence. All of a sudden, he grabs me by the shoulders and slams me on the rug of the floorboards. I felt the back of my head throb a little, as I coughed. I had lost my breath for a sec from the impact. My vision went a little blurry itself.

"Why not me? Huh? Can't I love you too? !" Yelled Francis, shaking me slightly, as he looked at me with a desperate and scary face.

"Because . . . I shouldn't have so many people tell me they like me all of a sudden," I mumble. I can see my comment makes him more angry. I shrug as he lifts his hand and smacks me across the face. I flinch as I feel my left cheek burn. Then, the feeling of fearing him went away all of a sudden. I don't know if it was my sense of pride or the anger greater than the fear, but I shove him off of me and stand up as fast as I can. I grab onto the couch to balance myself up.

"You bastard, how dare you hit me!" I scream, not knowing what was wrong or right to say anymore.

"I tried helping you and that idiot, and I can't help it if I start liking you! I've been infatuated with you for a long time now. Since i helped you fight Arthur during that war! You thought I helped you just to kick his ass? NO! I helped you because I wanted to be closer to you, to know that I helped you get back to your feet! And now I want you to only rely on me and think fo me and not think of anyone else anymore or worry about anything!"

"Y-you, you screwed with me? !"

"What? !"

"You were screaming with my mind? ! Were you trying to ruin my and Toris's relationship? ! Did you just tell me all these things all these times to feel more nervous and scared around the two people I trust the most? !" I yell.

"You idiot! Yeah sure I tried making you doubt things, but it was you and your own decisions that brought you to where your at right now! You never give me any proper credit! The two people you most trust? More like the two people your more afraid to screw up in front of! I help you! i listen to you! I voice my opinions to you! Why can't you see I'm better for you? I bet so too that you'd like me if you hadn't met that bastard Arthur!"

"Shut up! Don't talk abou thim!" I yell as I run upstairs and into my room. I slam the door shut, hearing heavy footsteps following mine. I lock the door as I stumble backwards and land hard on my butt.

"Shut up! Get out of here! I hate you! How could you? !" I yell as I slam my door, an dhold the door knob. Someone on the other side runs and slams their body on the door, turning the doorknob an dkicking the door, yelling angrily. I'm scared. This is scary. I don't like him! I don't think o fhim as much to me. But he wants me to, even if its fake.

"Alfred! Open the door _right _now! !" Yells Francis.

"No! G-get the hell out of my house!" I yell. Dammit, I'm crying.

"NO!" He yells. He starts kicking the door louder. I can hear wood splinting. I hold the door knob tighter.

The man on the other side of the door just confessed his love for me and slapped me for not believing him.

"I love you! And _you _told me _you _loved me! !"

"That was before I met Arthur! Before I met everyone!" I yell. Its true, I did like Francis a while ago when he first helped me fight off people when wore borke ou tall those years ago.

"Then what happened? Huh? ! Love someone else when you loved me? !"

"I KNOW I DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE CROSSED MY MIND THAT ITME I HAD SEX WITH-! ! !" SHIT! I cover my mouth before I finished the sentence.

"You . . . you had sex with someone?" He asked, a little hurt.

"W-when I first liked you, back before, I . . I did. When we did, I realized you never crossed my mind," I mumbled. "I didn't feel guilty for making love with this person. That's because I told myself that if you didn't cross my mind, that meant that I didn't love you like I thought I did."

Then, he gets quiet and ceases to kicking and punching the door.

"Its Arthur, isn't it?" He asks in a nervous, happy tone. Like he's happy to be angry.

I stay quiet.

"It's him! I know it! Every day I saw you with him, your always smilin gand laughing! Always talking to that bastard! I'll beat him!" He yells in a declaring, happy-with-himself way. I hear him run off.

"Nooo! You can't! I-!"

I open the door and run out to catch him, but at the end of a hallway, out of nowhere, he tackles me down, pinning me on the dloor. He has a tight grip on my wrists, as he sits on top of me. He's looking at me angrily.

"I what?" He mumbled.

"I . . . . I don't want you to hurt him," I utter, starting to cry. He then slaps me again. I struggle breathing, taken back as I lost my breath.

"You moron. I knew about it already. You thought you had sex with him. You didn't. You were drunk when we celebrated our first victory battle during the american revolution. You dreamnt it. I was the one that found you on your stomach, in your backyard wasted and mumbling things. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. I don't know. But, don't you see? He can give a damn for all he cares! Your sacrifices are worthless to him! He's clueless, thick-headed, he will never understand you like I do! Pay attention to _me_. I'm right here right now! You love me! You told me so! But now I came to realize my feelings for you as well! Alfred, listen to _me_!" He yelled as he tightened hi sgrip. I slowly turn my head to face him, smiling. Which must have irritated him.

"I know, but, I need him more than anyone in the world," I mumble. I'm trembling now, not because my body feels in pain or anything else, but because I feel wrong. I feel like I'm lying. I feel guilty.

"I feel the same for you!" He desperately yells. He seems like he's about to cry too.

"But-"

"What made you realize?"

"R-realize?"

"That you liked me?"

"Well, I . . ,"

"What are you guys doing?" Asked a mortified Toris. We both looked up to see Toris standing right behind Francis. He was crying.

"Toris? !" I yell as I reach to him. He smacks my hand away.

"NO! Get away from me!" He yells as he runs off downstairs. Francis and I could only stare back, watching as he got off of me.

"Do you hate me now?" Asked Francis.

"I think your confused," I mumble as I stand up.

"You think you like me, but are you sure your not confusing it with something else?" I mumble as I walk away from him. "And of course I don;t hate you, but I still get to punch you back!" I yell as I run down the stairs.

_Oh god what have I done now?_

_

* * *

_

**a/n: okay sorry if its pretty random. i was watching hetalia cosplay parodies when i wrote this so . . thats my excuse for the sudden turns and changes in the story . . .-.-u**


	12. I Don't Know

_Toris, I love you._

"Toris! Toris, wait! !" I yell as I run down the stairs after him. I can't seem to catch him.

_I don't want to lose you. Not ever._

He runs outside into the bright day. I almost trip running thru the kitchen doorway to follow him to my backyard. Why won't he turn to look at me? Turn and look at me Toris!

_You're the only one . . . I have left that I . . . feel a special connection to._

"TORIS! ! !" I yell knowing I was tripping on a tree's trunk as I ran into the woods that surrounded the back of my house. How much had he heard and seen?

_Don't leave me..._

I don't know why I don't get up and keep running. Even if I know he's getting farther and farther away every second that passes, I just lay there on my stomach, staring at the dirt in front of me as I start crying.

_Don't leave me alone too..._

I think of Arthur as I say 'too' in my mind. What would I do if it were him that caught me like that and ran off? Nothing different then what I was doing with Toris right now. Oh God, when was it that the two were . . . . . on the same level? Why must I think of you right now of all times? Why can't I get you out of my head, no matter what? Why had I let that dream, or truth, let me infatuate myself with you. How could a stupid night kissing and hugging you and holding hands, whether it was really a dream, or true event, make me start loving you so much? Is it because it was my first time? Is it because it was with you? Is it because the dream/event made me see you as such a 'great' person? Does it really matter? I want you, that's all there is to it. But . . . what will I do once I have you? I . . . I don't really want you for sex or closeness, I . . . I don't know really. All I know is that I get jealous seeing you with anyone else and I am always thinking of you day and night. Do I long for you? Your friendship? Your company? Your love? These are the questions that hold me back from telling you myself of my feelings. Because . . . . I don't know what I really want from you and . . . I'm too embarrassed to tell you what I am sure of. I know I want to hold hands. I want to hug. I want to make you laugh. I want to spend every minute with you. I want to make you happy, no matter the cost. Am I a good friend or . . . ?

"Toris is important too," I utter. Yes. He is irreplaceable. There are friends we have for different reasons. Some are to help us. Some are to comfort us. Some to have fun with. People have certain expectations and labels friends, as cruel and bad as that sounds. There are the friends who you could care less if they were absent in school, the friends that you'd cry if they left forever for, the friends you'd work your butt off to buy them something nice, and expect nothing in return but the pleasure to hand a present to personally and see them smile and their faces' brighten with sheer joy and excitement. Yes, its what I desired to do for Arthur and Toris alike. But, as same level and priority they are in my mind, why do I . . . why do I still have Arthur as my top priority?

I get up, struggling because my left knee received a scrape and is now bleeding, and start to slowly walk straight ahead in the direction where Toris headed. Its no use calling out to him. He knows I'm looking for him. I must confront him with my sheer silence and presence. Because I know that alone can kindle great emotion in him. Why have I never noticed how much Toris likes to be with me? He talks to me whenever he can when none of my friends are around. He loves to hear me talk. He loves the way I laugh and cry when something funny or sad happens in a movie or book. He loves how I think pigeons and turtles are going to take over the world. He loves that I love to share everything I like with him. And most of all, he likes that he gets to have me all for himself nowadays. Yes. Since I have been separated and isolated by everyone, whether distance or speaking, I get to have all of my time spent with him. My world revolves around him now, whether I intend it or not, because he has made it so. Not one day goes by where he doesn't compliment me or thanks me for the simplest things such as telling him a great story to carry him anything heavy when needed.

_'Do you think we'll know each other for a long time?' he'd ask me all worried at least once a week._

_'I hope so.' I'd tell him and rub his hair. 'People with such a great relationship as us never forget each other.'_

I look up a tree, hearing him whimper and sob, trying to cover his face. I smile, relieved. I walk up to the tree, where he proceeds to do a whimpering sound.

"G-get away," he mutters. Oh, words and explaining myself don't work for someone like him. Only physical force does. I grab his boot that dangles from the lowest tree branch, he might be skinny, but he sucks at climbing, he tries to resist, but secretly, I think he lets himself be pulled down. I pull him down, and he falls on me. I look up at his crying face as I lay on my back, with a face of remorse, while he cleans his red, embarrassed face with his sleeve, sitting on my stomach. I don't move, knowing that the slightest movement could . . . well . . . I don't really know.

"You heard everything?" I ask stupidly. Of course he did.

"O-of course! !"

"Why are you upset? Is it because it bothered you?" I ask innocently, knowing I was putting more pressure on him to tell me. I have to know. In this world where there is little time and anything can happen, I have to know certain things, facts I should say, about how one human being feels about something. Running on pure guesses and assumptions will only do us bad in the long run, like when I made the terrible mistake of assuming Arthur would oppose our separation without hesitation and try as much as possible see and talk about me. Nope, nothing. I had been totally wrong on him. To think to know a human being so much are lies. There is no such thing, sadly. He looks at me with a hesitant face. He looks away as he slides his hands to rest on my chest. But I make no movement or noise, waiting on his response.

"Y-you having sex with Arthur and . . . F-Francis liking you," he utters. Of course. I myself am pissed for not handling the situation with Francis back there well. That was a terrible way to end a physical confrontation, from him of all people. Why? Why must these two people like me? Why must I appeal and meet whatever standards and preferences these two people have about me? I'm no good. I'm terrible. When I see something better than the other, I jump right at it. I'm rash natured. I never follow thru with anything. I fear, also, being bored. Becoming bored with anyone I end up. Because . . . I tend to get bored easily. How selfish I am! How, also, selfish I am to think it is Toris and Francis's faults for making me remember I'm selfish and undeserving of any human affection and infatuation for myself! ! I deserve no one, nor do I deserve to have the privilege of meeting anyone's idea of a 'crush'. They don't know . . . they don't know I desire no affection, no kindness returned to me, because of all these ignorant and selfish thoughts and emotions I have! Why must I judge myself harshly? Well, I realized that everyone probably thinks like me too. Call it having an honest conscious, but, everyone has dark, selfish thoughts of themselves. I, like any other person never speaks of it. But, I think about it a lot. Of course, everyone can say they 'think' a lot. But, I tend to worry and fill my head with paranoid ideas and take everything seriously.

There's no denying I never had sex with Arthur, heck I didn't know the answer to that myself either. All I know is that I thought and experienced it, real or drunk-fueled dream. There was no saying I did. The sheer mental experience itself was enough to say I did. I believe I hadn't really had sex with him, or right now, I'd be trying to seek him out and lust for him more. It is natural to want sex, I believe. But, there is differences between the sheer lust of it, horny or as physical proof I've become very intimate with the 'one I love'. I can't say I'm sorry or excuse myself, that fixes nothing.

"Toris, you know I'm still a virgin," I say as I dare slide my hand on his left cheek and into his soft, tied back brown hair and bangs. I don't dare, though, to smile.

"B-but y-you still . . ." Poor thing. He is so crushed with the thought of me being intimate with the one he sees himself to have competition with. I realized he is too timid and shy to say anything he actually thinks. I have to be the bold of the two to explain and point out or situation. Like I said, feelings and thoughts based of hints we believe to pick up are never the way to go. Of course, that's what I do all the time. I contradict my own words.

"I know. But its not like I can take it out of my mind. What's done is done. Do you want me to never mention him ever again?" I ask. I don't really mind, if its giving him peace of mind. Just because I love someone who is unaware of my feelings and self-torture and aching for them does not meet I will solemnly preserve myself for them. I used to think that, but now, so much time has passed, no communication amongst each other and nothing to confirm he acknowledges me back, I grew weary and found it stupid to preserve myself for them. Why do something like that that is possibly setting myself up for major disappointment? I am sorry if it sounds so harsh and so 'unromantic' of me but, I am not willing of caring to do that any longer if Arthur doesn't even know what I'm doing for him. Bastard. Bastard for never noticing my infatuation or everything I secretly do!

"N-no, d-don't do that. B-but Francis . . . he-!"

"I know. But, he does not love me. He merely wants me." To love someone is to still have feelings for them if they were, say, run over and left deformed, to still care for them. To want someone is just to want them for sex or bragging rights. I believe Francis merely wants my companionship and intimacy with me. No, no love. Not this early and fast.

"Al-Alfred, I can't keep up with this. With all this confusion."

"I know. But . . . ," oh god. I have no idea how to approach this. I . . . I never thought such a dilemma would present itself. W-what do I do?

"What are you two doing?" Asked a deep voice above us.

"Oh Ludwig! Its so good to see you!" I say as I pull Toris above with me. I nervously smiel and luahg, trying to play off the awkward pose Ludwig had caught us in.

"We wer're just talking," Toris said, going along with me.

"Yes! Discussing our feelings about the party and stuff! Say, aren't you a little early? What gives? !" I say as I start shoving Ludwig ahead of us, leading him towards my house.

"Well I came to help and talk to you," he says worried.

"Why that's so kind of you! You cna help the Frenchie in cooking and-!"

"Not that kind of help. I mean, you called about being-"

"Oh that! Sure Ludwig! Let's just get organized and stuff!" I exclaim. As soon as we step foot into my house, I see Francis on the kitchen table, cutting some vegetables, seeming serious and dissapointed.

"Hey Francis, Ludwig came to help!" I exclaimed smiling.

"Oh great," he mutters as he gives us a nasty glare.

"You two go on ahead in the living room, I have to talk to Francis for a bit," I tell them as I wave the two away. As soon as we're alone, I walk up to Francis, grab ahold of his shoulders and start to shake him.

"What's wrong with you and the uneeded sarcasm? !" I exclaim annoyed.

"Well how am I suppose to act? You rejected me!" He exclaimed back.

"Well don't take it out on everyone! I have my reasons for rejecting you! And don't say rejected, you make it sound like I disapprove of your whole being or something! I like you! Your awesome, funny and your hair is quite pretty! I still like you, just not love and want to be in a commited relationship with you! Geez!" I exclaim. He looks at me and clasps his hands together.

"I'm so sorry. This is the first time i've been rejected by a man before," he smiles.

"WHAT? !" I exclaim. I did not see that coming.

"Your right, I shouldn't get so upset, come to think of it, I could do better," he smiles. I start chocking him.

"On secodn thought, I think I'd rather have you morning about me for a while longer you damn-!"

"Ahem," coughed Ludwig standing by the doorway. We both meekly turn to him.

"If you don't mind I HAVE A LIFE AND I COULD BE DOING SOMETHING NOW AND NOT HERE CARING ABOUT YOU!" Yelled Ludwig.

"Okay okay!" I yelled back as I let go of Francis.

"Hey, but really, thanks," I say as I wave bye to Francis. I hope he wasn't kidding about him able to get over it quickly.

* * *

I see Toris finishing up cleaning and now he's taking out a huge box filled with ribbons and stuff. He seems very busy and into his work, so I just smile as Ludwig leads me up the stairs. He closes the room behind me. I stand in the middle of the room, close my eyes and smiel as I hear his footsteps get loud as he runs up to me and hugs me as hard as he could with his big arms.

" I missed you," he mutters. I pat his back.

"I sure did too budy."

"Its been too many years."

"Sure has. I was wondering if you had left me for someone else," I laugh.

"Best friends don't do that."

"Hah, that's comforting," I laugh. I smile as he lets go of me. We've been friends for a very long time. We don't see each other often, I can only contact him thru mail, but, every time I gget a reply, I get teary, he does too, because we rarely see each other ever since we've grown up and everything. He's a long childhood friend of mine. I confide him with everythign happening in my life, and he does so too with me. We understand each other's diffirence's and we understand each other's faults. We tell each other EVERYTHING.

"So, how logn are you going to be here?" I ask as I take a bag he carried on his back and placed it besides my bed.

"Well, I'm here on bussiness, but I thought I'd swing by. I'll come back in about a few weeks, probably two, so we can talk better."

"Are you really mad?" I ask as he sits on my bed and I lean against my wall.

"Yes."

"About what specifically?"

"Everything. How could you let people here run around with the image of liking you? And how can you obsses with this Arthur fellow?"

"I DO NOT obsses anymore! Besides, I don't care much about him."

"Hmm that's what you say, but not your face."

"S-shut up!" I exclaim as I cover my face with both hands nervously.

"I get excited whenever anyone brings him up, because I don't like bringing him up myself," I say.

"I understand. Its alright. Well, I better keep walking. By the way, that was Toris, the Lithanian fellow, that was sitting on you, right?"

"W-wha-? ! Look, I can explain-!"

"Yes, that you should be with him rather than Arthur," said Ludwig as he picked up his things again.

"Yeah."

"Did you invite him to this party your planning tonight?"

"I asked Toris to handle invitations. I'll let fate decide who he invited."

"That's very trusting of you, he said as he opened the door to my room, about to leave.

"One thing though, don't get your hopes up."

I smile.

"Too late. I have it up every day."

He smiles.

"Great, I get to work with a more mentally unstable Alfred in a couple of days."

I wave goodbye to him. As I look out my window and see Ludwig's image slowly getting smaller, I smile.


	13. My Friend Ludwig

"Maybe he's avoiding you," said Ludwig as he cleaned my kitchen table.

"I thought so too," I mumble as I ate my bowl of cold cereal and milk.

"Thought?" he asks, turning to me.

"I thought so, but, lately I don't think."

"Don't think?" He asks confused.

"I don't think about him much anymore."

"Is that so?" He asks as he rinses the cloth in the sink.

"Yes. I'm scared. I don't worry or attempt to talk to him anymore like I used to or socialize or anything. Maybe I'm losing interest," I mumble as I swallow the food in my mouth. I can feel my heart race. Losing interest . . . . that's been my biggest, selfish problem with myself, besides being paranoid anyway. People, my friends, even Arthur, have told me time and again I move on to things too fast. I can't stand the thought of losing interest in my affection . . . my affection for him.

"N-no, it's not that," he sighs as he sits across from me, the same seat Toris used to sit in when he'd talk to me in the kitchen. –Sigh-, I miss him. He looks at me as he slides a leg over the other, crossing his arms and leaning back on his chair, embarrassed at what he's about to say.

"In my opinion, I think that you're so used to thinking about him that you consider him someone 'special'. Get what I'm saying? It's like in your mind you have him as your boyfriend and whatever paranoid idea or assumption you form in your mind, the 'Arthur' in your mind makes you not to doubt the real him. You've thought so much about him, it's like you think in your mind you're already 'special' to him, and no need to confirm it to yourself anymore. You're used to have him in your mind, you don't see it alarming when you think of him so much and you think your getting bored, but really your just realizing how used to it you are."

I blush as I swallow again whatever milk was in my mouth.

"Or at least that's what I think!" He exclaims nervously after seeing me stare at him in awe, turning around.

"Dude, you are right! I just didn't want to say it, because I'd think it be weird and selfish of me analyzing my own opinions and situation aloud," I say smiling to him.

"Weird? Not at all!"

"Here, as an offering, you can have the rest of my cereal," I say in total gratitude as I push my bowl to him.

"Er, no thanks, your smile is quite enough," he says pushing it back at my direction.

"It's understandable if you think your losing interest. Neither of you do anything, and so your used to missing him and only have him in thought, that your thoughts get dull, don't be sad about it," he smiles.

I like him. One of my best, long-distance friends I rarely see. Even if he lives far off, at least he tries to meet up with me because he knows I prefer talking face to face or at least hearing each other's voices, unlike Arthur, not that I'm asking or anything, but, it would be nice though.

As I continued eating, he sighed and looked at me as he rubbed his brow.

"Honestly though, why do you bother with this guy? He isn't even calling or seeing you. Doesn't matter if he cares about talking to you or not. Don't waste your time with him, only do it when he's around and then if you do, you let him know you don't care about him and ignore him! Treat him as you know he knows you think you're being treated! You're a sissy, everyone knows that! So he should know and realize you're a chicken at confrontation! A friend is allowed to have lots of thoughts about them, but a total stranger or acquaintance is only allowed to be seen. That's what he is now, a total freaking stranger! Of course, your being a pussy and not saying anything, so it's really your fault, but, he should know you like him. I mean, who doesn't know! I can't believe you told Ivan of all people first! I would have at least thought Francis or Kiku!"

"B-but I didn't because I would be more embarrassed if Matthew or Kiku laughed at me! I don't care what Ivan thinks, because he's brutally honest, but when Kiku or Matthew are honest to me, they make it seem so awkward and I get scared of telling them! I'm more scared and embarrassed to tell those two about my private things. And what do you mean stranger? He's my friend!"

"You think friends let each other stress and worry? I don't get it. He 'knows' you. Has he forgotten that one time he left you for a long while and you even cried! You cried in front of _Ivan_ in a public place too! You don't even know if he knows you cried about him! Does he forget how clingy you are with having people around you? I tell you time and again to stop thinking about him and get someone else. You're just wasting your time on him."

I see Ludwig's point. Al those years I thought Arthur knew me and could figure me out. But, what are the chances of him not befriending someone new he will meet and . . . . replace me? Deny I ever existed in his mind? Be categorized as some normal friend in his mind and have no social or 'must-see/talk' priorities while as in mine he is one of the most important? What if he goes hours, maybe days or even weeks without me coming in one of his thoughts while as he is thought several times a day in my mind? I can't tell him any of this because it only get an awkward or weirded out "ok" or "sure", coming off as creepy, while I think it sounds romantic almost!

"But, he's okay, right? I mean, I am most at fault here, right? For not saying anything, right?" I ask him to reassure myself.

"Nope. I don't like him. I don't approve of him. I think he's a total bastard," he says as he shakes his head in a disapproving way. I feel my thumb bend the spoon I held as he said this.

"But why would you say that Ludwig? He's like my best friend and I love him very much and he's the nicest to me and I think we have the most in common and-!"

"Even if that were true, doesn't mean you two can get along."

"B-but, we do!" I say in a whiney voice.

"You told me he didn't believe you. That one time you got the courage to tell him, even if it didn't sound so serious, that you considered him your best friend at the time, correct?"

I nod.

"There you have it! Besides, why would he trust you? Haven't you've bailed out on him so many times? No wonder his Boss doesn't like you. Your terribly rude and untrustworthy," he says nagging at me.

"Aghhhh, don't remind me! Every day I think about that day I slept thru the meeting with his Boss, late and forgot to tell him thanks for letting me stay over at his place! I forgot! I was so used to being a rude guy cause Ivan's boss never acknowledged me when I tried being polite so it kind of-"

"Well sorries and buts' don't matter now! You screwed up, your fault, case closed. Everyone's boss, Matthew's, Ivan's and Arthur's are sketchy about you. They probably have you at the bottom of their list to consider being friends with their nations," says Ludwig. "Basically, everyone knows how much you screwed up with Arthur's boss, I wouldn't be surprised if they judged you too."

"Y-yeah, I know," I utter as I look sadly at my bowl.

"But, I don't think it was your fault for being rude. Personally, I think it was Ivan and especially Arthur's faults for you stupidly being rude."

"Huh?"

"Didn't you say once they had a secret meeting without you and met Arthur's Boss before you for like a whole year? I'm guessing Arthur must have at least hinted his Boss was very strict about manners. I think it's unfair they didn't warn you, the idiot of the group, about Arthur's Boss's strictness. They should have. But then again, the British types are more about class and politeness and etiquette. You should have seen it coming. Still though. "

"Yeah. H-his Boss even called Arthur to almost point-blank say how rude I was. He _should_ have said it point blank; because it makes me feel even worse I was able to assume his Boss was upset. That's why I prefer to never see his Boss again. He scares me."

"No, you just don't know what to do with his Boss. Alfred, you got to stop giving in to others. Be a man for once and stand up for yourself."

"I'll make sure to do that when I meet someone else," I utter.

"Though, I prefer you never talk to Arthur again. There, problem solved."

"Ludwig, what's with you and me avoiding Arthur?"

"Because you're always complaining about your problems and questions relating to him! It's pathetic! Be your own person Alfred! Make _him_ want you! Not the other way around! Why don't you tell him of that whole Toris and Francis episode? Rub it in that you have admirers too, not just him! But, Arthur have admirers? No offense, but I laughed." I look at Ludwig viciously with a 'don't-you-dare-talk-smack-about-my-friend-again'.

"Calm down, I laughed when you told me about yours too. But, your friends are so cruel with you. And you're a bastard for not telling them when you get upset with anything they say. You make people into assholes without knowing to, you know that?"

"WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?" I yell, " look, I never tell them when I'm upset with whatever harmless thing they do because I think I'd make me seem so sensitive and also, people need to have things to be upset about, not have a world where they just say what upsets them and its fixed! –Sigh-. Sometimes I think I'm too 'delicate' about things. You know? I hate how I over react about everything," I say in a down way as I look depressed into my empty bowl. He sighs.

"Well, to an extent, I think it's sort of nice. But, you have to know people will always bother you in some way or upset you. You can't jump or act on everything. You have to learn on what things to only react in. When are you going to confront Arthur? Really Alfred, cause I get tired of hearing about him. You know I don't like him," he says as he twists his next and snaps it twice. That's so cool.

"Well I want to, but in person, and, I want to improve and do my best and impress."

"Impress?"

"Yeah, so he feels proud to know me. I want him to see how great I am. I want to have all these sorts of things help me distract myself from thinking about him so much."

"Are you saying you want to get him out of your mind? For good?"

"I want to stop thinking of him so often. If I'm the only one that'll ever feel anything for him and not have my feelings returned, I think its best I start weaning myself of him."

"You want him to think you don't care about him anymore?"

"I want to help myself to be independent and not so desperate for him. I'm sick of always being the only one feeling anything. I want to be happy in thought and mind again. With him, he was a constant reminder of all my failures. Maybe I can never make it up to him of everything I screwed up, but at least I can make someone else very happy one day. Even if it's him. I want to make myself very good and excel a lot, so I can be desirable to anyone."

"Aren't you already?"

"Well, yes, but, I want to prove to myself I've moved on and if the day never comes when he knows I love, or loved him, I want to know I'm still well-rounded for someone else."

"You don't want to close yourself to him only huh?"

"Nope. I'm tired of it. Even if no one else knows but you, I am tired of seeing myself so clingy to whatever news I hear he does or his opinions or everything. He used to be my top priority. Toris too. But, ever since he left and I've yet to mend with Arthur, I want to make myself happy again being with anyone else. What are the chances that he'll return my feelings? I don't even know what I'd want from him besides more time and companionship and . . . . to be brutally truth, I'm kind of scared if I were together with him. Because, I'd be too nervous to do anything intimate with him because, he is just so special to me, I don't want to screw up and I'd get embarrassed. "

"It seems to me you don't know what you want."

"Does it really? That's terrible. You see? I appear unsure of things. I want to see him one day when I know well what I want."

"Well, it sounds to me like you just want him to want you back too. But if you say so. One day he will tell you he knows you like him, and that's when you will truly know what you want from him. In the mean time though, stop thinking about the bastard," mumbled Ludwig as he stretched.

"Stop calling him a bastard!" I squeak as I go throw my bowl and spoon away.

"Sorry sorry! Geez! So, you think you'll practice on someone before him?" He asks as he takes off his gloves to start washing my bowl.

"Huh?"

"Like, practice to kiss or-"

"EWWW, WHAT? How dare you L-Ludwig!"

"You're not fooling anyone."

"I . . . . no. Unless I . . . . I start to like someone else."

"Weren't you close with Toris?"

"Yeah but, he's gone. He's a nice kid. If I would have met him before . . . we could have been something, and . . . "

"Ah. That's sad, didn't you tell him this?"

"No, because I know it would have been mean and he would have been more stressed. But he already assumed it, so, even if I did verify it or not, he'd still think it. Yes, I love him. Very much. I hope I see him one day again."

"I see," said Ludwig as he started washing the dishes. As I slumped in my chair and stared at hi strong back, I thought of the many times I had stared at other people's backs when I walked two or three steps behind them, leading me where to go because I'd let them.

_I want to move forward._

Yes, I want to put this behind me . . . until that day comes . . . when I see you again . . .

* * *

Ludwig is a very old friend of mine. I think he's the best and most well built guy I know. He's very funny and open. I rarely talk to him on the phone, less likely see him. One day, our Bosses arranged for us to see each other. That made me very happy. He's very happy and open with me, but a very hard person to get to open up to you if he doesn't know you very well. It makes me smile to know I can make him laugh and nobody else can. Like Francis, I used to have a crush on him too. A little one a long time ago when we were kids. But know, I know I had it mixed with feelings of looking up to him.

"Hey Ludwig! Ludwig! Guess what Ivan did yesterday!" I exclaim as I shake his shoulder as he reads.

"What?" He asks as he closes his book, how nice.

"Instead of him working hard on some project, he and I watched a movie together!" I exclaim happily as I do a pleased dance.

"Oh wow, really? Very nice of him. Aren't you two rivals?"

"What? Well besides who has the best technology and the strongest, we're good friends!"

"More like _best_ friends," he murmurs. I punch him annoyed.

"No we're not!" I blush, "why does everyone tell me that?" I hiss.

He crosses his fingers together.

"W-wha? That's not bad! It's nice to be together with someone else, you know?"

"I think you deny your close friendship. Is it because you'd rather be 'close friends' with someone else, like Arthur?"

I blush as I grab his sleeve.

"N-no. He's probably friends with someone else," I murmur.

"Oh, you think so? Isn't that sweet for you to assume that," he smiles as he smacks me in the back of my head.

"OW!"

"You idiot to assume such a thing without even asking! Anyway, can you please stop it?"

I look at him dumb founded. There are a lot of annoying things I must probably do, which is he talking about.

"What?"

"Obssesing over Arthur, what else? It gives me the creeps," Ludwig mumbles as he shivers. I punch him.

"AM I THE ONLY HUMAN BEING WHO THINKS ITS ROMANTIC TO KNOW SOMEONE WORRIES ABOUT YOU SO MUCH, WANTS TO SEE AND KNOW WHAT YOU DO EVERY DAY AND BE AROUND WTH THE WHOLE TIME?"

"Yes, Alfred, it's called being a _stalker_."

"WHAT? I AM NO STALKER! I don't even know where he lives! Besides, it's not like my whole world revolves around him!"

"It seems that way," he utters as he squints at me.

"Wha? How dare you Ludwig? So what if I get jealous and angry at anything anyone does with him? Its normal!"

"There's something called extremely clingy."

"I . . . . I guess you're right. I hate admitting to it," I mumble defeated as I sit in the couch besides him and slump over depressed.

"You know, I bet everyone that knows about my creepy obsession about Arthur thinks that too, they never tell me though, well maybe except Ivan."

"It's called 'me not caring sometimes'. Maybe one of your friends should try that sometime," he says as he picks up a cup of coffee from the small table in front of us where he placed his book.

"-Sigh-. Whatever. Ludwig, why am I so clingy?"

"Because you probably want attention and he hasn't met your needs of it."

"Why do I seem like a stalker?"

"Because you blab so much about him all I hear is you saying 'Arthur this' and "Arthur that'. Lately though, you never talk about him unless someone brings him up, and that's if I ask you something about him, or else you change the subject."

I bite my lip as I look at my brown, leather hands and smile in a saddened way, so much so, as Ludwig stares at my face that avoids his gaze, I can tell how sad I must look, because he looks at me worriedly.

"I don't like to bore anyone. I try very hard to be interesting and to replace the real, paranoid and over thinking me. Whenever anyone brings him up, you, Ivan, Francis, whatever, I get so sad because I think 'wow, I don't know this. I feel so left out. It's no one's fault I feel left out and jealous. The worst part is, I can't blame anyone for my jealousy or feelings of being left out.' So I take my anxiety and stress from that out on people. Did Kiku tell you how mean and bitter I get sometimes quickly? It's because he comes to mind. Sometimes, I think that when I first see him again, I want to curse him out and walk out on him. But, I have the horrible thought that he will just stare at me, sit down, and say "whatever". "

"Ah, you fears he won't care about you being angry. This might sound stupid, but, why?"

"Because, I see how he is with other people. When other people do those kinds of things to him, he doesn't even care it seems. I've had proof of things when I get agitated with him and pretend I'm angry, but he could care less over small affairs and things. But I fear him doing that to this serious matter."

"Are you afraid of rejection?"

"I'm afraid of him not caring."

Ludwig takes a big drink and hands me his mug. I stare at it, and decide to take a drink myself. Whatever he mixed it with, it's pretty tasty. And . . . relaxing.

"It's normal. Nobody likes to be ignored or passed up on their feelings. But, seriously, you have to be more direct. Stop depending on others to pick up every little thing you want to say or meant. Got it?"

"Got it," I say smiling to him.

"Good."

"Yeah. I really enjoyed this."

"Me too."

"I enjoyed that you came and talked to me."

"Sure thing."

"Unlike others."

"What did I say about thinking about that bastard?"

"He's not a bastard! He knows his parents . . . whatever!"

"-Sigh-. C'mon. Let's go to the park. I know how much you've been meaning to go."

"YEY!" I exclaim as I run upstairs. "Let me go get my camera and food to make memories! Oh, and a soccer ball!" I yell excitedly.

As I shove everything in a black backpack, I think of how Ludwig knows he has made me happy. I think about how he can understand me well. Is it because I tell him when I'm happy or how I feel or make it very obvious to him?

"Not so fast Alfred!" He yells as I run at the empty field in the park as he runs after me. I hoist my black bag up.

"LUDWIG YOU LIFE SAVIOR!" I yell at the top of my lungs. He's right. Sometimes, you just have to stop thinking and act in the moment. No matter how much you over think or try to see every angle of a situation, you can never predict the exact outcome of it.


	14. Many many thoughts about You

I think if Arthur were to tell me, no, hold my hand and look into my eyes and say _"everything's going to be alright,"_ I'd know right away _'he really is the one.'_

I've imagined such a scene over and over in my head. He'd look at me, half-pissed and half-serious, I'd try to cover up my smile by looking away as usual and biting as hard as I can on the inside of my mouth. Then we'd just look into each other's faces. That'd be enough to make me happy forever.

* * *

I laid in bed, all ready and dressed up for the party that would start in a few hours. My head had started hurting a bit, so I decided to give myself a nap. I laid in my cotton pillow, stroking my cotton white sheets, staring into the blurry open window into the darkness of the night I faced in my direction. I tried my best to frown, trying to keep my expectations low; Ivan said Arthur was coming. For the past month I have been planning this party in my head. After a few turn-down's, tonight was the night he'd finally come. But I knew better that anyone, that I should keep my expectations low. Say _'he's not coming, he's never coming, he never wants to see me, he isn't even trying, h"e doesn't even care.' _I repeated that over and over in my head, so I would get used to the idea that when I come downstairs with a beautiful pink cake I had baked just for the occasion (him really), I wouldn't have to search for a spiky-haired blond with a foul-temper, bad mouth, and sweet voice. But that's not me. Nope. I already had the idea of him being there, no matter how many times I tried putting myself down, it didn't work. My mind had already made up its mind _"he'll be there."_

"Stupid, stupid, stupid me!" I mumbled to myself as I closed my eyes and clawed my hands in the bedsheets. I wanted to forget his stupid voice, his stupid kindness, his stupid thick-headedness, his stupid . . . stupid . . .

"-sigh- I must be pretty stupid myself for liking you so much," I said to myself. Is it pretty stupid to be this much infatuated with someone? Are people really so blind as not to see how vulnerable we are making ourselves to these people we say we 'love' and 'like'? I guess everyone is stupid, so stupid that it's normal. Yeah, must be it.

I want to sleep. Let me sleep thoughts.

My thoughts kept on racing and racing. What would he wear? Will he ignore me the first few minutes? Will he make a scene? Will he just act normal? IS he really just feeling normal? Am I the only one overreacting? Yeah, must be it too. 'Paranoid' would be the better word.

_I love you Arthur!_

I smacked my head real hard with my hand, so hard it hurts.

"OW ow ow!" I yelp. That's what I get for trying and screaming such a mad thought in my head. I try to think of something super negative. Something that will just make me want to punch my hand so hard in the brick wall, it will break and blood would gush. I think of that little kid in Sealand. Peter Kirkland. I flinch, thinking of how boiling angry I was when Matthew told me, and how much I wanted to yank Matthew's weird strand of hair just to take my anger out on _something_. And with that comment of feeling so relieved at the thought of taking my stress out on something, I fall asleep.

* * *

"Waah! Waaah!"

"What is it now? !"

"M-mean Francis took my toy."

"Where is he?"

"O-over there," a tiny hand, _my_ tiny hand, points out at a couch.

"FRANCIS!" yelled Arthur as he practically flew over the room and pounced on Francis, where the two began a fight to the death. I stopped crying and watched in awe. That is such a nice thing.

That happened when I was very very young.

"WHAT?" I yelped, looking across a courtyard to see Arthur far off to the side. I frown. Matthew says he thinks Arthur is mad at me. I look down at my very muddy black shoes.

_I must be dreaming, dreaming about past events with Arthur._

Well who can blame him? I'd be pissed to and avoid me if I stood up someone.

"Well, I'll see you later Matthew," I say as I wave goodbye to him, taking my tray with me to go eat with the other countries.

"W-where are you going?" asks Matthew, confused.

"To eat somewhere else, your Arthur's friend, I'm sure he'd appreciate sitting with you for lunch without me around. Bye," I smiled sympathetically as I headed for Ivan's table.

I sat there with Ivan and Kiku, couldn't help to keep peaking over every minute to see if Arthur was pissed or not.

"He's probably still pissed at you, stop checking up on him, you look weird," said Ivan as he chewed on his donut.

"It's not that," I say, a little mellow and serious.

"What is it?" asked Kiku.

"I was checking to see that he's okay."

"Of course he isn't, he's pissed!" exclaimed Ivan, almost laughingly. I frown even more, finding that unnecessary humor offensive. I sigh, knowing I'm the only one to be offended by that kind of simple thing and shove my trash in my tray and pick it up to leave.

"I was checking to see he's okay," I replied, knowing a further explanation would be a waste of breathe.

I was just checking to see he was alright and fine and that the anger he felt towards me didn't affect his relationship with anyone else. It looks like it didn't. So long as he was only upset with me gave me something to smile about for once. It's been more than 6 days he's been avoiding me. Well that's what everyone else is saying. Back then I was immature, and assumed the same thing. It wasn't, you later told me, right?

I remember I cried later that day, in front of the other countries and even Ivan.

"Why are you crying?" said Ivan, finding it very hard not to add 'this time' in the question.

I shook my head, finding my reason to be so stupid.

Later I told Ivan, "did you see him? Arthur? Later that day, he was smiling with those other people. Those other countries."

"What?" asked Ivan, startled by what I was 'whining' about, so he calls.

"He was laughing and smiling with them, and . . . and-!" I placed my face on my legs that I had bent up, hugging them as I cried during military practice.

I could never finish the sentence I had started because I was too embarrassed, even to tell Ivan, even to write down in my journal I had back home. But I still recall what I had wanted to say, after all this time.

Later, I noticed I DID in fact write it down somewhere, in the back of one of my favorite books as a-matter-of-fact.

"When I looked at Arthur, smiling and laughing about 12 steps away from me, it broke something inside of me. I stared at him, and his 'new' buddies, and then I looked down, at my muddy black shoes, and thought _'wow, he's having such a good time . . . without me in the picture.'_"

Why had I felt so . . . left out? Sure, I knew his 'new' buddies, sure, he and I were in a silent shun, why had I thought 'oh, he won't do anything _fun_ or half-as exciting without _me_ around.' Repeating that thought in my head, I could hear myself saying it in a selfish, jerkish tone. Then I thought 'huh, I really must be a jerk then. Guess it just isn't acting out in front of others, it really _is_ the real me.'

I had felt so betrayed, selfish, deserving of this 'punishment' of anguish and self-anger and ignorance. I didn't even feel bad for myself. So I rolled with these feelings, and did you the favor, Arthur, of distancing myself from you, Matthew, Ivan, Kiku, hell, even Gilbert, if that's what it takes to keep you smiling and happy like I had seen you with your 'new' buddies.

I'm replaced. I'm replaced. I have to deal with it, I've been replaced.

I couldn't get the crazy idea of being replaced out of my head. So what if I saw him laughing with a new friend or two? So what? ! I understood the idiocy of my worrying and crazy assumptions, yet, I was drowning in the feeling of loneliness. It wasn't that logic that got to me, the logic behind my paranoia and crazy assumptions that got me down, it was the simple, bashful human feelings that I just couldn't get out of my mind.

Loneliness, paranoia, replacement, betrayed, selfish. All those words came to my mind as I saw him with those 'new' buddies of his. I guess, in my whole life, if I ever had a traumatic experience, this would be one of them. People have the weirdest and most simple traumatizations, I see and hear about different kinds people have on TV. So, that feeling of something breaking in me was my signal, my body and mind and feelings telling me '_hey, you really don't like this. Not at all. You know what? I will make this a memorable event, in which the rest of your life, you will always remember this moment and it will bring you sadness and loneliness, no matter what.'_

I hope not. I hope to one day, when I'm older, I can put this memory behind me. I already did with the loneliness and self-anger I had during this whole ordeal. Oh God, what if . . . Arthur . . . ?

At home, days after that public sobbing, I sat in my room, staring at my pen and pencil, and paper I had looked all around for.

Whenever I got depressed, I found it best to write it in paper. When I was most sad about a particular someone, I'd pretend I was writing them a letter, explaining how upset I was. I'd feel like I told them, and everything is fine thereafter, and I didn't even have to give the real Arthur the note and I spared the humiliation and laughs I'd probably get. Besides, I didn't want him to think I was some sort of weirdo. That's the least thing in the world. I wouldn't want him to avoid me and every time he looked at me to say in the back of his head _'this guy is so clingy and weird, having all this shit he calls feelings for me.'_

So I wrote and wrote. About three letters. I threw two away, because I found them unnecessary. I kept one. I re-read it to myself several times. It was night time now. So, while Gilbert was over here, he helped me start a fire in my living room, in the chimney. I burned it.

"What were those?" he asks as he pokes thru the letters.

"Nothing, nothing important now," I said, cracking a smile as I looked at the burning letters.

"It has Arthur's name," he says as he pokes thru the paper. I can see it too. At the way corner of the page. I lift my muddy black shoe and stop into the fire.

"It's nothing, nothing at all," I say, still smiling as I helped the fire consume the letters faster.

Later, Arthur confronted me. We both shared a laugh, thinking we were angry with each other, when we were just cluelessly avoiding each other in the last few days. Some say we had a fight, some say we were avoiding each other. I say he was just being human.

"I wasn't avoiding you, I was just giving you space," I wish I could have said to him after we made up. I wish I could have.

That happened when I was a little older.

I slammed the door to my home. I run up the stairs as fast as I could. I slam the door to my room. I look at my bed. I have taken my glasses long before even running home. I feel my mouth start to quiver, my legs and arms still trembling. My eyes burning and stinging. I slowly sit on my bed after taking a big breath, and begin to weep. Weep like somebody just died. I cover my eyes, unable to stop myself from crying. Last time I cried so much was when I broke my arm, or was it my wrist? I can't recall. It's been _very_ long I have wept like this.

I wipe my face quickly and go towards my closet, holding my neck with my hand; it gets very hard to breathe when I weep like I am now.

I sit at the bottom of my closet, and keep on crying. I'm so . . . so sad, I don't know what to do. I look at my hands. Not knowing whether I should keep holding my face or write my feelings out.

I just learned that we've wagged war with Arthur. And so, he was kicked out. And can't come back for a _long_ period of time.

_Did Arthur even try to stay here with us? With me?_

I brush my eyes clean, so I can at least stare into my wooden, old creaky floor with a blurry vision.

What do I do now?

Well, I don't feel betrayed, or let down, what my crazy mind would usually have me thinking. I feel . . . so dull and stale. I feel my face go numb. I should have seen this coming. Something like this was bound to happen. But, I never did anything to stop it. I helped by making it even worse.

I cover my mouth, feeling sick.

I hadn't helped him stay here with us, with . . . . me.

I felt so sick, doing something so horrible to someone so important to me. I felt so sick, not doing anything about it. I felt so selfish, thinking of only wanting to help him just to keep him with me.

As I lay in bed now, calmed down, I reach under my pillow. There, I have a small album. In it, I look for a specific picture. I look for a picture of my friend Ludwig. Then I remember I never took one of him. Or Arthur. I laugh a little as I slide it back under my pillow. I reach under my bed, and grab a notebook and a pencil, and begin to draw.

I draw two things. One, a mental chibi of Arthur. Another, a mental verison chibi of Ludwig too.

I stare at them, thinking what they'd do or are doing.

Arthur's probably not worried one bit. He didn't seem like it when he told me. Then again he might be hiding it. He would. He's the type to sulk or keep it to himself. Man, he must really call out 'you moron!' whenever he's annoyed by me or I do something idiotic. I laugh, picturing how funny he'd look screaming that at me across a large room or something. Then I picture Ludwig. Oh, he'd give me one heck of a time! Ludwig would probably smack me in the face, saying I should feel terrible for not helping Arthur AND about feeling selfish in wanting to keep him just for my sake.

_"You can't excuse your selfish desires for someone without them even knowing about it!"_ he usually says to me.

Later that night I go to sleep, my eyes terribly sore from crying so much. In the end, I knew he's probably sad. Having to re-adjust to a new lifestyle and everything. I start tearing up a little. Will he ask for help? Now he's alone. Not completely alone, but . . . alone.

As I pull the sheets over myself, I can't find it in my heart to even call or mail or anything. I want to give him space. Maybe he's feeling the same way too? Maybe he's being affected by loneliness? Maybe not. I decided that there's no way now I can tell him how important he really is to me, because, it might make him feel lonelier. Then, I think, maybe if he _did_ know, he'd tell me how _he_ feel s and then I could be of some use and help him fix everything. Maybe if I tell him, I can become more important and consider not just himself, but others he is affecting also with his decision . . . . like . . . me.

I bit the inside of my mouth, thinking how selfish that sounds. But I _want_ to be selfish.

I fall asleep, after cutting out his and Ludwig's drawn picture's and put them in the first page of my album.

I must be really selfish, only thinking about how sad and bad I feel right now, wanting help to overcome these emotions, when really, I should be helping Arthur overcome any he is having right now. Why am I like this? I fall asleep, thinking about that question.

That happened in the beginning, when we were separated.

* * *

I see everyone gathering in the courtyard outside a large building. Everyone is going into their little groups of friends. I stand alone, in the center, not knowing where or whom I should go with. I look down at my new, clean shoes I got for this special event.

"Alfred! Alfred!" I hear someone call out. I turn. My whole face suddenly brightens up as I see Matthew. I smile as he runs up to me and grabs my left arm. I'm so happy he came back here.

"W-what is it?" I ask, so overwhelmed.

"Get him here faster! C'mon!" calls out Ivan, at the side of a wall. He grabs my other arm and tries to get me to walk faster, but I try to fight back.

"C'mon Alfred, quickly!" said Kiku in his funny voice as he pushes me forward by my back.

"What is it? Why are you guys acting this way?" I ask, laughing.

"You'll see," says Ivan.

They're leading me towards a corner of the building, where it's covered by shade of trees. I close my eyes for a bit, feeling the wind brush past my hair. I enjoy the silence of the moment.

"Why is it such a hurry? Nothing can be so urg-" I feel my voice slowly go away as we turn the corner. I feel my mouth open a little as I see a familiar spiky haired fellow with a crossed face and arms, staring at me.

"Let them have their moment," smiled Ivan as he shoved me at him. I press against him, and startled, I step back. I stare at him, terrified now. Like he isn't supposed to be here.

"W-what are you doing here?" I ask. What kind of question is that!

"What kind of question is that, idiot!" he yells.

"W-wa-" I utter.

"?" he looks at me puzzled.

I raise both my arms as high as I could and embrace him. I don't care if he struggles or not, I don't care if he doesn't like it, I shove my face on his left shoulder and start screaming.

"Waaa! Waaa!" I cried pathetically as I clung onto him.

"Tch," he replied, patting, no, hugging me back also.

"Aww, ain't that sweet?" replied Ivan sarcastically.

"Very," said Kiku.

"GET OUT!" I hissed at them as I kicked whatever sand there was on the ground at them. They scurry away.

"I thought you . . . not able . . . but I-" I stutter.

"C'mon lets go," he says as he grabs my sweaty and nervous hand. He starts leading us into the public. I nervously gulp.

"Are you nervous?" he asks.

"No, I'm excited," I crack a smile, meaning it. As soon as we step into the light of sun, a burst of confidence overwhelms me. As he looks, after a long period of time, at all the different faces that have come today for a special meeting, a reunion if you will. I peak at Arthur, who seems to not know where to start.

"The food. Hey, move out the way, I'm hungry and so is my good companion here! Out the way, shoo!" I exclaim as I start leading Arthur into the crowd. I shove people past us to the side as I make a path for Arthur. At the table, I grab a big plate and shove into it as much food as I can and then I lead him into a small table, several that were set up outside.

"Sit sit!" I say as I push the plate at him. He looks at me with the same face expression he has had this whole time.

"What's wrong?" I ask, the question that should be less used if you haven't seen someone in so long.

"I'm trying very hard . . . " he mutters.

_Not to laugh? Get angry? Cry? _

"I missed you," I start off," a lot. I'm not afraid to speak out anymore, afraid of sounding like a complete weirdo/sissy. But, I'm still shy. So, I wrote what I want to tell you, here, in this envelope," I say as I stick my hand inside my shirt and take out an envelope I worked countless months on, adding on and editing things, memories, feelings. He grabs it, and looks at me confused.

"You see, I was planning to send it to you today, coincidently. My friend Ludwig was supposed to help me mail it off later to y-"

"I don't need a stupid letter," replies Arthur as he drops it on the table. I look at him, stunned.

_W-what? D-does he know? Is he . . . mocking me? Rejecting me? W-wha-?_

"I already know everything." He says as he kicks the table separating us to the side. Food goes flying into the tiny area the animals some people had brought.

Before I could respond, I found myself falling, with my chair, behind and with me was Arthur, tackling me down. My face burns red, not knowing how to react as he keeps hugging me. Or is it now embracing?

"W-wa-?"

He whispers something.

"W-?"

He whispers it again, louder. My face turns beet red. I can literally feel my heart, hear it loud and clear. I slowly raise my hands, and stroke his hair.

"You weirdo," I say, smiling, and before I could see what happens to dream me and dream Arthur, Ludwig pops out of nowhere.

"What do you think you're doing? GO WORK ON IT!" he yelled, covering my whole view of dream me and Arthur, and pretty much everyone else and our surroundings. I feel him reach an arm somehow at me, though I can't see myself, I feel like I'm some camera, where I can see out of. And when I feel a pain in my throat, I wake up.

_That last dream has yet to happen._

I shoot out of my bed and thud loudly on the floor.

"Alfred, party's about to start!" calls out Francis. I breathe quickly, as I'm trying to catch my breath.

"I-I'm there," I utter weekly as I touch my face, and then the area were my heart would be.

It stills beats quickly.

* * *

**a/n: review~! : )**


	15. Pastries, parties and disappointment?

"W-what? You're kidding, right?" I asked as I stood by the steps, about to come downstairs. I held a pink cake, with beautiful frosting and patterns, in my hands. Toris, Ivan and Kiku stood at the end of the steps, carefully watching me.

"Y-you can't be serious right? You said he'd be here Toris! You said he'd come _this_ time!" I yelled angrily.

"Calm down Alfred, we told you not to get your hopes up. You know better than anyone to have done that, and do not yell at Toris! This is not his fault!" scolded back Kiku as he grabbed Toris by the shoulders. Toris avoided eye-contact with me.

"Ivan, it's not true, maybe you read it wrong! There's no way-!"

"It's right here if you want to read it yourself. He can't come; he's busy dealing with someone else. One of his other friends has to deal with revolts, he can't come," said Ivan as he waved a letter he had received from Arthur addressed to him. I slowly shake my head as my eyes grow bigger and bigger with horror.

"HE SAID HE'D COME! WHY DOES HE KEEP LYING TO ME! I LOVE HIM, WHY DOES HE TREAT ME THE WORST OUT OF ANYONE IN THE WORLD? ! WHY DOESN'T HE REALIZE I LOVE HI-!"

"SHUT UP ALFRED!" yelled Toris, cutting me off from my cries. I calm down and take a glance. He is crying, along with me too. I bite my lip.

_This is too much; they think I'm weird, stop looking at me like that!_

I run off down the hall where I came from and inside my room. I slam the door and lock it as I recline on my door. I slide down my door, and place the cake in front of me in between my legs. I stare at the ugly pink icing.

I shove my hands into the cake, and begin to fling it on the walls. I start decorating my grey wallpaper with ugly lines and squiggles of pink icing and cake, knocking down any stupid pictures and frames that get in my way. I kick at my desk and bed, the chair tips over, all the clothes from my closet is poured out and what I can find easy, I tear as much as I can. I shove boxes out of the top of my closet. After I'm done, I turn on a lamp and place it in the center of the room; the dim light and shadows it forms perfectly reflecting how I feel just now.

It's been less than 6 minutes now. I pull my legs up to my chin as I sit against my door again, trying to catch my breath; I am sure all the rage I had built in has been released. Now I feel like crying.

"-knock knock-."

I cover my mouth, trying to stop any cries from being heard. Though it's too late, because I had been cursing and screaming the whole time I was busy having my fit.

"Are you done Alfred?" asked Toris, on the other side of my door.

"Toris," I say clearing my nose," I feel like killing myself."

"Don't say that," he replies quietly.

"I can't do anything; I try and try to get us back together, but it's no use. It's been 3 times I invite him over to a party, but, he won't show. I can't feel calm or happy anymore."

" . . . are you telling me the smiling Alfred I saw downstairs a few hours ago cleaning and singing wasn't being happy?"

"I was just happy he was coming, but he isn't."

"He's busy, very busy," muttered Toris.

"I don't care, he should _always_ come to see me," I mumbled.

"You rotten child," he said.

"Sounds that way huh?"

"And needy," he said. I take a long breath in, and then I hear him speak.

"Is this a good moment to bring up that you have other people who love and depend on you?" he said. I turn to face the door separating us.

"No, it's not a bad time," I reply.

I have a superiority complex when it comes to Arthur; I believe I'm the most important person to him, I believe he knows that, I believe he knows how much he's important to me, I believe he'd do anything for me. For us. I believe too much. Or really, anyone who has ever loved someone does. Why does it have to be so weird to come up to someone and tell them you get sad when they don't reply to messages fast enough like you do, they don't know how much you work to impress them, they don't know just being around them is actually enough, or knowing they are on the other end of a phone line [conversation] is good enough for you?

I unlock my door and open it. Toris is standing on the other side of my doorway, looking down.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I think I should give this to you," he says as he reached inside his coat.

"What? Give me w-?"

He hands me an envelope. 'Arthur Kirkland' is written on the front. I keep staring at it in disbelief.

"I understand if you want to stop talking to me, or hit me. I've been keeping it from you for a while now, but I thought I'd be bad for you to read and-"

"I don't care what it has in it," I say.

"W-what?"

I take the letter and rip it.

"W-what are you doing? ! I thought you loved him!" he exclaims.

"He can keep on living, whether I reply to what that letter says or not. If he is so 'intrigued' with speaking to me again, then he can get his jerk of a butt over here! Come on Toris, we have a party to enjoy downstairs!" I yell as I take his hand. Toris looks back at the torn letter.

"But, that was a letter saying when you wanted to meet up and he'd come-"

"I made a separate cake downstairs. Its chocolate, you favorite!" I exclaim as he and I walk down the stairs. His worried expression turns into a smiling smirk.

"I want a big piece," he says.

"Of course, the biggest slice for you!" I squeak back.

I should be more concerned caring about the people around me, than some jerk who won't even mail me first hand instead of having a middle man do it.

* * *

A little later . . .

"So is he really okay?" asked Ivan a she ate a cupcake, sitting on a table in the living room. A few people stayed to clean up in Alfred's home, really just Toris and Ivan.

"Yes, he tore that letter right in half," said Toris as he was busy sweeping some streamers on the floor.

"What if it was some act of bravery," said Ivan.

"Didn't stop him from having a good time," smiled Toris.

"That too, guess we just have to wait and see," said Ivan smiling as he finished his cupcake.

* * *

**a/n: review~! : ) **


	16. Why the surprises?

"Its bs."

"Totally bs."

"No lying its bs."

Ivan, Francis, and Gilbert sat in a restaurant, in the dead of night actually, drinking and talking away about their current favorite subject: Alfred.

"That little prick, he has no right to stop the entertainment!" yelled Gilbert as he jugged another round of beer into his mouth.

"Calm down, this isn't going to last. Two weeks of no _'waaah, Arthur!'_ is nothing! He'll crack any minute!" exclaimed Francis.

"Da, your right; though Kiku and Toris are really believing he's right when he said he's over Arthur," said Ivan as he opened another bottle of vodka.

"You guys wanna know what I think?" asked Francis as he poured himself [drunkenly] another glass of wine, "the little idiot is going to have another emotional breakdown. I swear we had to wash down his room; it was all covered in frosting! Maybe being raised by that idiot Arthur was a good idea; he would have probably strangled one of us if he was with me, they say deprived lovers are very touchy when it comes to their significant other!"

"What's this about tearing a note from Arthur? I thought he worshipped him!" exclaimed Gilbert, "and what's the big idea about Arthur always mailing one of us instead of that American idiot!"

"He must be really stupid too," said Ivan.

"You guys, here's the thing: if that little lover boy doesn't see Arthur soon, he'll probably go steady with that boring of a chap Toris. I say we set him up with wherever Arthur said he wanted to meet up Alfred!" announced Francis.

"Um, didn't you love him?" asked Gilbert looking up from the table he had just smacked his face down on.

"Yes, for only 3 years though, and may I remind you AGAIN it was a _crush_? ! Plus I haven't nailed him yet."

"So much for romance."

"Um Francis, how would we know where Arthur wants to meet up Alfred in said envelope Alfred _ripped_?" asked Ivan.

"We _know_ because I have the envelope right here in my coat all tapped up and fixed!" exclaimed Francis.

"Dudes, you know this is very evil of us messing with someone's love life," mumbled Gilbert turning his head from the table.

"Hey, he did tell me, tell _everyone_, he loves Arthur!"

"Plus evil is my thing," mentioned Ivan.

"Agh alright I'll help, can't argue with that logic," smiled Gilbert. The three lifted their corresponding alcoholic drink of preference and clacked the glasses all together in agreement.

* * *

"So this goes thru here, and then you-"

"OWWW!"

"What? What happened?" asked Toris as he leaned over my shoulder again.

"I poked my finger," I mumbled as I stuck a finger in my mouth.

Toris was teaching me how to sow today at my home; it's been about three weeks since a party I held. I thought it was all going to go to waste after Arthur was a no show, but Toris reminded me that there are more important things to worry about, such as enjoying life. A little cold sounding? Maybe. But so is that jerk Arthur.

"Alfred, are you thinking angry thoughts again?" asked Toris a little cross, "I can tell with you glaring into space like that."

"Oh, um, no I wasn't!" I laugh. He pulls out his hands and sits next to me again, showing me how to make it easier for me to tie a knot with a needle. It's very cold outside; we're sitting at my porch and pulled out a small table from inside.

A phone starts ringing.

"I'll go get that," said Toris as he straightened out his maid outfit and went inside. Meanwhile I kept trying to do a perfect knot, till a small shadow appeared ahead of me.

"Alfred! Alfred! How are you doing? ! Oh, it's so good to see you after so long!" smiles Feliciano as he jumps at me and tackles me down. I let go of the needle and start panicking, not knowing where it fell.

"Oh, h-hi Feliciano, if you're here, Ludwig won't be too far off," I smiled as I kept patting to find it.

"Ludwig? Oh yes! We came to see you! He says you need a good talking too! He says you've been a naughty boy and need to learn a lesson!"

"Um Felicia-"

"You need a good spanking, after he told me all the things you've done. And-!"

"PLEASE stop talking right now before I get an unwanted mental image because of my dirty mind," I mumbled from under the small Italian.

"What? You're still dirty? Don't worry, I'll go clean your room!" yelled Feliciano as he got up and charged into the house. I get up and breathe a sign of relief.

"And where do you think you're going?" asked Ludwig as he now came to sight, marching along the path leading to my home.

"Oh, hey Lu!" I exclaim as I wave to him and smile nervously, "I see you brought your little lovely friend. When are you putting the moves on him, eh? It's been a good few years."

"Oh shut up, I told you never to talk about us like that," he replied as he stomped up the stairs and on the porch, blushing and knowing he actually loved being messed with like that.

"You should encourage me Ludwig, after all these years, he still doesn't get thru his tiny little, um, _special_ skull you l-"

"SHHHHHHH," he hisses loudly as he covers my mouth.

"Now, you probably know why I came here, and your right. I'm here to ask you the question everyone wants to ask you, WHAT _THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? ! !" _he yells as he grabs my hands and drags me inside. Somehow he manages to drag me inside the downstairs bathroom. He locks the door, shoves down to sit on the toilet as he crosses his arms, waiting for a response.

"What?" I ask in disbelief.

"You heard me, what the hell are you doing? ! It's like a wild goose chase in your small head! Are you avoiding the subject of Arthur in your head, have you really moved on, are you faking this happiness, or is it some pathetic attempt at putting off your sadness?"

"What right do you have to be yelling at me? ! I'm okay, everything is fine! I don't need anyone else's opinion! No way in hell will I ever fake having a good time here, and especially with someone like Toris!"

"Are you saying you don't have a huge interest in Arthur anymore?"

"I-"

I pause for a second. I can feel my face redden up.

"I don't know," I mumble.

"Well that's just dandy! All of a sudden you get a great epiphany on how much of an idiot _he_ is but its too late because you dragged yourself too deep!"

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"-Sigh-. When people feel like they've spent so much time and effort on something, suddenly they can't find it in themselves to quit. You might not 'feel' it, but something in you must have to have doubts yet give Arthur a chance! Don't you see? Instead of putting him off, why don't you go to that stupid meet up thing with him and Matthew and-"

"Wait, Matthew? It wasn't going to be just the two of us?" I ask. I knew it was some sort of 'let's meet up' thing, but, with someone _else_?

"Oh shit," he mumbled. I get up from the toilet and start punching the bathroom wall.

"And here I was worrying about standing up! I mean, oh _goody_ someone _else_ is coming to break the ice between us, but I thought he'd think _'oh, how romantic I'd be if it's just the two of us'!_ I mean, didn't _that_ go thru his thick skull of a head? ! What's wrong with him! I thought we both read and watched the same things! I thought we liked the same things! How can he think so differently than me! I mean, _I _would have thought that! And-!"

"Where do you get these images? Hmm? I've always wondered why you fantasize about all these things someone isn't. He's not a damn mind reader, nor is he as _'in sync'_ with you as you think. Sure, he might have gotten _some_ things right between you two, but that only led you on to believing you love him!" yelled Ludwig as he stopped me from punching the walls.

"Because, he's the nicest person in the world to me," I mumble. I sit back down on the toilet seat, quietly staring into the holes in the wall.

"Look Alfred, I care about you. I heard a shitload of other people talking about you and Arthur like a topic of chitchat, I just, don't want to see you turn into someone like Francis and Gilbert. Those two did something like this a long time ago, and they ended up passing up someone that really cared about them and chased who they thought was their 'perfect' other, only for things to end up horribly. That is why they are the way they are today; carefree, egotistical and very full of themselves. They have no sense of what is right and wrong for a person to act like anymore. Sometimes I still find my brother looking thru old pictures of himself and old Roderick," he said sympathetically as he patted my shoulder.

"I mean, it's not like I'm putting him off. I want to enjoy things too. But, Toris . . . he . . ."

"He what?"

"I want to be happy with him too. I mean he likes me, _I_ like him, so I-"

"There's no pity in love."

"?"

"When you love someone you don't do it out of pity, empathy, or sympathy. It always screws you over," he smiles. I smile back.

"Gee, where'd you get that corny line from?" I ask laughing.

"Not any of your darn business," he mumbles, "c'mon, let's go see what Feliciano's doing."

The two of us leave out of the bathroom.

"I never thought I'd have a life changing moment in my own downstairs bathroom or be yelled at by a buff angry German," I smile. He nudges me with his arm as we both race up the stairs. We walk into my room to see Feliciano taking down all of my pictures I had recently pinned on my only damaged wall [after that fit I had in the party night days ago].

"Looky looky Ludwig! He has so many pictures! But none of us!" he exclaims. Instead of yelling at him, I grab a camera sitting on my new desk.

"Here, let me start taking pictures of both of you!" I say as I raise my camera lens at the two.

"Oh yey!" he squeaks happily.

"C'mon Lu, don't you want me to have a picture of you and Feliciano demonstrating your friendship?" I laugh.

"Oh yes! Your right! C'mon Ludwig, hug me for the camera!" he yells. Ludwig embarrassed as ever, lifts his arms as Feliciano hugs him. He quietly mumbles 'thank you' with his lips as I take about two shots before I realize Toris is downstairs.

"Hey you guys, let's go down to the kitchen! Toris was baking some lunch; I think it's some foreign food!" I yell. The three of us head out of my room for downstairs. As soon as I push the kitchen door open I quickly snap a picture of Toris who I assumed was in there sitting down at the kitchen table.

"Hey Toris, I thought I'd be really amazing to take pictures of us all eating and-"

I stop talking, seeing the picture I had taken thru the camera lens. A very concerned Toris sat quietly, his hands crossed together on the table, quietly waiting.

"Um, I have some news," he says, avoiding eye-contact with me.

"What is it?" asked Ludwig for me; I couldn't form words from my mouth.

"Feliks needs me back home; he says I can go back now," he mutters.

I feel my smile drop, all the blood rush out of my face instantly.

_Great_, I think, _another thing to stand in my way._

_

* * *

_

**a/n: ****review~! : ) **


	17. Goodbye Toris

"Alfred?"

"Hey!"

"Alfred! !"

Ludwig begins to shake me furiously. I can't seem to form words. I'm utterly speechless.

"Alfred?" asks Toris again. I can't seem to raise my gaze off of the camera, staring at the picture I just took.

"I . . . go . . ," is all I could mumble before walking out of the kitchen. Before Ludwig can grab me, I dash outside to the front porch. I lean over the wooden rail, as if I were to throw up. I feel like I have to, but, nothing comes out of my mouth. Nothing _will_.

"Alfred! Alfred! Are you okay? !" yells Feliciano. I keep my gaze to the evenly cut grass, the way Toris cut it was just splendid.

"N-no," I finally utter. I look up at the small brunette.

"Feliciano, do you like Ludwig?" I ask calmly.

"What?"

"You know, he likes you. He talks about all the things you like and what your good at. He really likes you. He's been trying to learn how to cook better to impress you."

"Alfred I don't unders-"

"Of course you don't. Nobody ever understands," I say as I turn towards him. I reach out my hand and hand him my camera.

"Take it, tell everyone to leave my home," I say.

"Alfred! What the hell do you think you're do-? !"

I turn to Ludwig's face, stopping him in his tracks as he bursts into the porch as well.

"I want all of you gone," I say.

"Don't get ahead of yourself you dolt! Just calm down, we can-!"

I raise my hand at Ludwig, to stop him from anything he could say to change my mind.

"This whole time I was kidding myself, to actually think I can forget someone I loved. Now, someone just as dear is leaving me. I think it's best if I just spend a few days alone," I look up at Ludwig, with a sympathetic smile, trembling, as I try to squint my eyes hard enough so no tears would come out.

" . . . I see your point," he says, giving me another sympathetic smile. He takes the camera from my outstretched hand and nods his head forward.

"C'mon Feliciano, Alfred has to think about a few things, we'll be getting in his way. I'll make sure no one comes to bother you," he says. Feliciano follows behind him, going down the stairs, unsure of whether to actually listen to Ludwig for once. I turn around to watch them walk off. I felt bad, like I was kicking them out. But, whether Ludwig thinks it's a good idea or not to isolate myself, he listened to me.

"Here, you might want to develop this," he says as something black flew across the porch. I catch it in my hands. It's a roll of film.

"Develop it, will you?" he says as he turns his back to me again and raises his hand, a gesture that means goodbye. I look at it and clutch it in my hand as I decide to go back inside my kitchen, finally having the right words to tell Toris.

I find him, sitting at the table, quietly eating and picking at some eggs. I take my chair, right across him, and serve myself some pancakes and bacon. He looks up, startled I have come back without a tear in my face. I quietly cut my pancakes into small chunks, and as I reached across the table to grab some syrup, I feel Toris's eyes staring hard right at me.

"This is where we sat last time, when we almost kissed," he said. Too much syrup pours into my pancakes, startled by his comment. We've never brought it up.

"Did you ever like me? Or was it just something I imagined?" he asked. From the corner of my eye I can see him clench on his fork, unable to take his gaze off me.

"You need to go back home. Besides, Feliks needs you," I say.

"You lied to me! Why did you lie to me! ?" he yells as he slams both hands on the table. Startled, I flinch, but keep on eating and my eyes averted to my food.

"_Lie_?" I ask as if he was the one who was lying.

"I thought you liked me. You let me sleep with you, and eat with you, and live with you! You said all those nice things about me to people! Why do you keep lying? You're either playing me, or your just keeping it quiet! Is it because you've invested so much time in Arthur, that I'm not worth it? !"

"That's enough!" I yell back as I bolt out of my seat. He flinches as he reclines back in his seat.

"I do like you! I've never lied to you that way! But, someone needs you! Someone more than me! Feliks, he's meeker and weaker than me! He's out there by himself, waiting for you! I want to do this for him!"

"You've never showed interest in him before, this is the first time I hear you-!"

"Because I know what it feels like to miss someone," I say. I feel a nerve being touched off somewhere inside me. I'm trying to get him out of my life. He can't stay here. My love interest offers no sure thing. But he's willing to put everything in his. There's someone else out there I'm depriving of having such a wonderful person around him. I can't let another Alfred-Arthur case happen again, not on my watch. It's messed me up as a person. What was I thinking when I said loving someone made me a better person?

He stares at me, knowing full well I just offended my own self by bringing up how hard it was on me when Arthur was first away.

"I'm sorry," he says, "I didn't want you to think-"

"You're not another _Arthur_, if that's what you're thinking. I just thought Feliks might miss you. Aren't you two best friends?" I asked.

"We used to be together," says Toris.

"What?" I ask sounding a little too baffled.

"We used to be together, but we had to split as soon as all the wars started, then I had to leave before we ever got a chance to get back. But then you-"

"Get out Toris."

"What?" Now _he's_ the one asking questions.

"Go back with Feliks, it's obvious to me you still like him," I say.

"No! Stop making it about other people! What about you? What do you want? !" he yells. I grab a glass and slightly push it off the table; that quiets him down.

"I hate to be the over-dramatic one Toris, but it seems you don't know what you want either. We both want someone else to make our decisions for us," I say. We both look at each other, unmoved but knowing that was completely true.

"Here, let's let fate decide," I say. He looks up at me like I'm crazy as I go to one of the kitchen drawer's. I take out some paper and 2 pencils.

"Write down what you want, and I'll write down what I want," I say as I sit back down in my seat.

"What? Are you mad? ! This is no way to decide-!"

"Hurry up, the juice is drying on the floor, I have to clean that up soon," I say as a lame excuse to get him to write. While we're both busy writing in our pieces of paper, I realize how hard this is for me. A piece of paper is what took to separate me and Arthur miles and miles away and shattered what I used to believe was a beautiful thing. Tch, how stupid can I get?

"Done," says Toris. It seems he knows what he wants. I scribble some more words on my paper. I want to make the point that he should go away, I can't deal with people right now. Besides, he has a bright future with a Polish blond who'd love to have him.

"Done," I say. We exchange papers.

_I want to stay put. I am the happiest I've ever been. Sometimes I worry about what the person I most care about thinks in general. I get the feeling he wants to get rid of me because he can't deal with things and he thinks the only way to solve his problems is to sulk and think. Why won't you let me stay with you? I don't care if something bad happens, I love you and I always have Alfred!_

I can't help but smile at it. I look across the table, to see him stare at my paper with an open mouth.

Mine reads:

_Toris, just go away. I'm nothing but trouble and paranoia. If you want to damn yourself by being with me, be my guest. I'm no good; I'm a brat, and I am pretty unpredictable. It's not that I don't want you here; it's just that I know there's someone better for you and someone who will need you a whole lot more than me. Feliks is picked on a lot, and he can't defend himself, he's so impulsive and shy. If you really love me so much as you say, go back to him, and if you still love me, who am I to stop you?_

"You're kicking me out?" he asks.

"Guess so," I say.

"Y-you jerk!" he squeaks as he gets up from his chair.

"Heh," I laugh. He walks up to me and pulls me out of my chair. He slaps me, it barely hurts. He begins to cry as he claws his hands into my coat. He begins to cry on my shoulder. We both know it's the right thing.

"It's not pity, right? We're not pitying Feliks, right?" he asks, sobbing.

"I'm not asking you to force yourself, I'm asking you to care about your friend. Stop being so selfish," I laugh as I pat his back.

"What are you talking about? Feliks is the definition of selfish," he laughs back.

Later that day, not even past noon, I help him pack his things into a suitcase. We eat lunch together. He have our sewing lessons like usual. Around 2 pm, I call for a car to pick him up. It takes a while to come because my home is in the rural area; it's less noisy and crowded.

We kill time by eating a little more. I spot the cab driving up the lonely road, passing by all the trees and wide fields. The dense forest surrounding the road makes time seem to pass all the slower.

"Your ride is here," I say as I stand up from my spot in the steps. The two of us sat there, waiting and talking about nonsense. He gets up too and starts pulling his luggage down.

"There's still time to change your mind," he says.

"What? To put all the blame in anything that will go wrong in your life on me? I don't think so," I laugh. I pat down my sweater, and smile as I stretch out my hand to him.

"Goodbye," I say. He meets my hand.

"Goodbye," he smiles back. He walks down the steps, rolling the luggage behind him. I stare at his back, the dark green parts of his coat flutter on this windy afternoon. I stand there, with my hands crossed in front of my chest.

_It's the right thing to do._ I tell myself.

The man helps him pull his luggage in the back of the car. Toris nervously thanks him, giving him a little bow. It makes me laugh a little.

I find myself smiling at him; he turns back to me and smiles. He gets into the car. Opens it twice to make sure it closed right. I can hear him struggle to clank the window down with the funny lever inside the vehicle. The car makes a small U-turn in front of my home. I can see by squinting hard that he shifts into the seat that faces my direction. We look eye at eye with each other.

_He'll be okay. He's tough._ I tell myself.

He waves at me thru the window. I wave back too.

The car begins to drive away ever so slowly, as if done purposely, almost to mock me in a sense.

As soon as I know it's safe enough, I can't help but run to the end of my front yard and into the road to keep watching his car drive away.

_I can't let him see me. I can't let him think I'm sad._ I tell myself.

I stand for a while till the yellow vehicle is completely gone from sight. I stand there and breathe in deeply.

_Wow, he's gone._ I think.

My breath is let out, and I find my throat hurting. I began to cry. Silently, I wiped the tears out of my face and head back to my home. I slowly walk inside and lock the door right behind me. Who knows how long it will be till I see him again.

I wonder if anything will change about liking me.

I smile and head into the kitchen to wash the dishes. I tie on a very girly looking apron on as I take off my coat and begin to wash the dishes.

_We're so selfish_, I think.

I pour more soap into the dishes. I wonder how Toris could've enjoyed washing and scrubbing this place. I can't even stand to touch my own dirty laundry. What was that song he used to hum all the time? Always when he cleaned and washed. Darn, I should've asked.

I hadn't realized just how much I was trying to change my life and other's in one day.

"Oh, the glass," I mutter to myself realizing I left broken glass on the floor. I get a broom and a trash can besides the mess as I try to pick up the large shards by hand and accidently poke myself with one.

"Oww!" I squeak.

I hadn't realized how selfish we could be, or really, how selfish a lot of people are. I guess, everyone in the world is selfish. Even a person who devotes their life to helping others is selfish itself, because they believe they can only work for other's benefits. How I'd like to be useful to others. I try so hard. But no matter how much I keep trying to make amends with myself, it never seems to change, and if I stop trying because there's no progress in anything I seem to do, it damns me even more.

"Ugh, life is so difficult," I mutter to myself as I start sweeping the small shards, some broom hairs getting stuck to the dry and sticky floor.

Maybe everyone was made to actually do what they want. It's the only way that seems to make everything alright.

I untie the apron and head into the living room.

The idea of giving myself time to 'think my feelings over' seems stupid to me now. I sit in my heavy chair, the one I usually sit in when I want to stare into the fireplace. I look up at my light-yellow ceiling. Reaching into my pocket I find the film Ludwig had tossed at me to develop.

"Stupid Lu, thinking I can actually make something," I scowl.

Then I remember I had taken tons of pictures of Toris; it's the only thing I need to know to motivate me to develop them. I rush to the attic to begin working on them.

"Do you think he heard us?" asked a very slender young man with long hair tied back.

"I don't think so," said another.

The two young men sat behind a large couch, going unnoticed ever since Alfred walked in his home.

"He should really lock his doors, aru."

* * *

**a/n: ****review~! : ) **


	18. Ivan and Natalia:two of a kind

"Hey! Stop that! You're cheating!"

"No I'm not! Your _letting_ me win."

"Hey! I said stop that! I wanted it!"

I tried with all my might to yank the stuffed elephant I had been eyeing ever since we got in the arcade. Of course, Ivan overpowered me and shoved me to the ground like the brute he is. Well, no, I'm lying.

"-Plunk-. OW!"

I actually tripped backwards during our tug-of-war struggle, land on my butt real hard. He could have caught me though!

I really hate it when he beats me in the claw machine and takes the prize I _almost_ won.

"See you at the basketball hoops!" he squeaked as he skipped away, happily clutching on to the stuffed animal that should be mine! I sit on a seat nearby, poofed out.

Ivan and I are in the arcade area of the movie theaters we often go to. I've never been in a movie theater till Ivan brought me along. I would rather watch a movie for free on TV of course. But he always looks at me with that face _'wanna come to the movies with me?'_ Sigh. I always say yes. Because I never know I'm going till we're here in the parking lot mostly. I never usually had any money with me, so he'd pay for me. Quite generous of him, this is why I never really debated about 'we could watch a movie for free at your home'.Even then he wouldn't listen to me.

Though I've never come to the movies with him with anyone else. I hear he comes a lot with a lot of different friends, including some that are friends with me. Like Matthew! And . . . Arthur.

I slump over and tighten my face expression. Thinking about Arthur always makes me angry, frustrated, and pretty sad. Thinking about him makes me feel bad. I don't understand why.

"Hey moron get over here!" cried out Ivan. Embarrassed, I don't answer back, but I walk to the direction of Ivan's voice. I like being with Ivan, it distracts me from Arthur and having any thoughts of him.

I spot him easily by the bathroom. He sticks out like a sore thumb really. Might be the big unnecessary coat or white hair. Hmm.

"Bathroom?" I ask with an annoyed voice.

"Yeah. I need to use it. C'mon!" he pulls on my arm inside.

"Since when did I become your bathroom buddy?" I ask lazily as he half-drags me inside.

"Ah! You say it like I've done it forever! Stop complaining."

"Well I'm sorry. I haven't grown immune to the scent of piss. But at this rate I will, and I have you to thank," I mumble as I cross my arms, almost sulking as I walk over to the sink area and stare down the drain of one. I feel wrong being in a guy's bathroom now. Isn't because I like a dude or anything, I just notice things a lot more . . . in ways I shouldn't be. Thanks a lot Arthur.

"Aww, someone's PM-essing."

"SHUT UP! I am not!" I yell embarrassed. He can be so embarrassing sometimes.

"Then why are you yelling?" he said turning his head, still doing his business.

"Because you are saying these things in public areas, and I'm no woman to be told that either!"

"Well you should be. You'd make a good woman. You have sissy and sensitive down pretty good," he laughed.

I growl and decide to stomp out without him.

"That darn jerk! Who does he think he is?" I mutter to myself as I head for some seats outside the lounge area. I find a rather lonesome spot and sit.

Sigh. But seriously, what the hell am I doing here? Shouldn't I be locked at home, whining about how my love life is hopelessly screwed up?

I feel my pocket vibrate. I take out Ivan's phone. It's my boss.

"Oh shit, I forgot to tell him I was going out," I mutter. I glance around, alright, coast clear to answer.

"Hell-?"

"WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING OUT? !" yelled my boss at the other end.

"Geez calm down. I-"

"Who are you with?"

"Um-"

"Who are you wi-? !"

"Kiku. He wanted to come watch the new Disney movie!" I laughed nervously. I hope he buys the lie.

"Alright then. Get back as soon as possible so I can get my hands on your neck and choke you for skipping out on work again."

"G-gotcha."

I slide the phone back in my pocket. Currently, I'm not allowed to be around Ivan right now. I have no idea about _his_ boss though. It seems like he likes me, but then I hear his boss doesn't like others _I_ like.

"There you are! Don't disappear on me again!" said Ivan as he walked up to me.

"Right, why would I wanna do that now?" I say making a twisted smile.

"I'm sorry what was that?"

"N-nothing."

"Good, c'mon, the fifth movie is about to start!"

"Can we leave already? My boss is going to k-"

He grabs my hands and proceeds to lead me into a hallway, where a large movie screen awaits us. The fifth movie this night too. I could probably bolt out, with his phone call someone, get picked up, and get home before my boss gets any angrier. But I never do. I do enjoy making these wild plans in my head though.

We walk past some young kids, probably taller than me none the less, and take our seats in the dark room, right in the center of a row in the center of the large movie screening room. Why can't we ever sit up in a higher row?

"Food?" asks Ivan shoving a bag of popcorn at me. Where'd that come from?

"N-no thanks," I frown pushing it away.

"Want something? I can pay for it," he asks. I raise my hand.

"N-no thanks, I'm cool," I say as the previews start.

I really am quite hungry, but I will feel really bad. Already paid my ticket, I can't possibly ask for more. I glance at the large popcorn bucket he holds. I lick my lips. Shoot, I should have said yes. If I try to reach for any during the movie, he might think I'm trying to touch him inappropriately. Tch, as if! These hands shall touch no one but those I love!

_Like Arthur?_ Some small whisper from my head asked.

I slump in my seat, feeling depressed again.

_Head I thought we established he's dead to me!_ I yell back to whatever voice in my head had spoken.

_Yet you still think about him all the time._

I clutched on my forehead and growled; I feel so stupid arguing with myself.

After the movie, Ivan and I wait outside for his boss to pick us up. Why can't we wait inside with the wonderful AC and safer environment, I'll never understand. As we sit, I stare at my hands. I feel him stare at the side of my head.

"Yes?" I ask feeling a little agitated.

"Gosh, someone's being mean," he replies. I can't help to hear his voice actually sound offended. I feel my eyebrow twitch.

"Just because I answered with a little sass doesn't make me mean," I mutter, not turning around.

"You don't have to be so mean about it."

"Well you were staring at me."

"I was just looking at you."

"Well stop it; it's giving me the creeps."

"Sorry, _sheesh_," he mutters. I feel my eyebrow twitch again at hearing that offended voice that sounds so unnecessary. If he thinks I'm going to pretend to be happy even though I'm stressed out right now he's got it all wrong. He has his phone again, so he starts playing a cell phone game. I look at my boots, feeling a little left out. Movies, theaters, they're social places. You go to them, watch a movie, have a good time, and talk. We'll we did the watching movie part. Talk? We sure did, but usually 'talk' in a movie theater is actual meaningful interaction.

"That's it?" I ask, hoping she knows what I mean by that.

"What's it?" he repeats.

"-Sigh- Never mind," I mutter. I look around. We're surrounded by people, all in their little social clicks. It's very dark outside. The lampposts make it look so safe to be out so late. I glance at the side walk we are sitting nearby. Lots of cars passing by, picking young lads up. I begin to think about people, the whole world. How unique it is where I live and what I do. I glance at my lap, at my hands. I feel the gloves on them. I think the word 'protect'. That's what they're for. To protect my hands from the cold.

I think about how people protect others. I look back at the groups of teenagers. I feel like I'm admiring them. They're alive and having a good time. We're all alive. I'm alive. What have I done with my life so far? Well doesn't matter. Everyone's going to die anyway. I'm going to die someday. I wonder what things I still have to do in my life. Or, what things _I_ want to do. I'd like to go to Disney World. Eat so much I actually throw up. Shake my favorite celebrities' hand. Tell Arthur I had feelings for him. Or do. I don't really know anymore.

"Hey Alfred! C'mon! I said my boss is here!" said Ivan one last time, shaking my shoulder furiously. Instead of snapping at him like I'd like to, I just follow him into a black vehicle. I sit in the back seat.

"Good evening," I say to his boss. I stare for a good 10 seconds waiting for some acknowledgement of some kind that he heard me, a simple nod will do. Nothing. I usually get a response 1 out of 10 attempts.

He sits next to his boss in the front. I feel a little sad; I really like it when the person I'm with sits next to me. _I_ always do if I'm riding in my car with my boss. Oh well. I stare back at the laughing teenagers again. I find myself smiling almost. A reassuring feeling swells up inside me. Everything will be alright in the end. Whatever I do will lead to something, will _always_ lead to something. That is to exist, to feel alive.

_Wow, I should really stop thinking so hard in the parking lot of a movie theater. _I say to myself embarrassed now. I glance back at Ivan's boss.

"Straight to his home?" asks his boss looking at Ivan. Ivan can't hear though, he is listening to his IPod too loudly again that I myself can hear it myself over the blasting AC.

After the third attempt at asking him, I just poke at his boss's shoulder.

"Yes, my home . . . please," I add in meekly. He weakly smiles at me and proceeds to drive in a freeway. I sort of recline awkwardly against the door and use my arm as a pillow. I feel very sleepy and tired. I close my eyes and easily fall asleep.

* * *

Ivan has been . . . a big addition to my life. Yeah that seems like the right word.

I sit patiently in his room. He's taking so damn long. I decide to lie on the floor. Gee I hope it's clean. After walking in his home so many times and seeing so much paperwork and questionable metal tools everywhere, I really do worry about lying my head on the floor.

I sit back on his bed. Not made. Typical. Of course, my bed isn't made often either. I cover my nose. A sour perfume overwhelms my nose. Or is it dried blood somewhere from a dead corpse? He's probably got a corpse somewhere here, I know it! The place always smells so odd to me.

"Alfred?" he asks stepping into his room. He must be surprised to see me sitting in the dark with a blanket over my head.

"What?" I ask.

"Oh. Well, what would you like to do today?"

Frankly, I don't even know why I bother coming to his home. I get in trouble with my boss, Ludwig bitches at me for being around Ivan, and I am still stressed. I don't think it's wrong for being in the company of friends to cheer me up from my gloomy state, but sometimes I get the feeling Ivan expects me to be cheery and wonderful all the time to him. Ludwig says he takes advantage of me so it's all fair. But I let myself be taken advantage of, whatever that means. So who _really_ is at fault here?

"Um, I'd like to watch a movie," I say.

"Alright, oh I know! Let's go watch the new scary horror one with lots of guts and brains and alien zombies! You know this one boy told me I am just like the evil super villain! Isn't that cool? I think it is! He also said _I_-!"

We hear a door bell ring.

Thank god, my ears are spared.

Ivan walks off to go answer the door.

I enjoy not having to talk a lot around Ivan. He can probably carry out a whole conversation with me just nodding in response. But then he shakes me for a response at times. I zip my jacket all the way up and put it over my head to sleep. I lay back on his bed. Then I feel a yank at my boot.

"What?" I ask not moving.

"I thought you were dead," says Ivan.

Please how stupid is that.

"Trust me, I wouldn't bother to die in your home, it's too low class for me," I say.

"Bigger than yours," he says.

"Hey! At least mine is-!" I bolt up from lying on his bed; unzip my jacket to yell at him, when I see a strange fellow looking at me.

"Wh-?'

"Her name is Natalia," says Ivan, "she's that girl I was telling you about," he adds in, a little spooked.

I stare at the girl. She seems annoyed, angry and bored at the same time. I keep staring at her, surprised. She stares back at me with a weird interest and fascination of some sort.

"I'll be back," says Ivan leaving us alone.

I stare back at Natalia. She must be the girl Ivan has been telling me about. The one he has a weird relationship with. They used to get along so well, but now it's sort of weird because Ivan is disturbed by her. He told me some stuff and asked me to keep it a secret. But then I found out he told Matthew too. And then Kiku. So it really isn't a secret anymore is it? He just wants us to know but not talk to each other about it. That itself is sort of weird. And very self-conscious.

"My name is Natalia," says the girl, sticking her hand out at me. I sort of scoot a little farther back on the bed. She has her other arm resting on the bed, near a sensitive place. I swallow hard.

"Alfred, Alfred Jones," I smile as I shake her hand.

"I like science and sleep late," she says, probably trying to start up a conversation. My smile grows a little more confident.

"I like to make things and sleep," I say laughing.

"Are you my friend?" she asks.

"Sure," I reply quickly. Why wouldn't I be?

"What are you doing?" asks Ivan walking in with three glasses, looking at us with a confused expression.

"Getting along?" I smile.

Natalia takes two glasses and hands me one. We both start drinking at the same time.

Wow, such a nice girl. Where is all the 'evil' Ivan spoke to me about? He must have made it up. He couldn't though, why would he make up such a thing?

The three of us begin to watch TV in Ivan's living room. She is sitting in the same couch as me. Ivan, as always, sits on the large, single-person couch.

"Ha-ha! You think so? I'm no good," I tell Natalia as she looks thru some drawings I made.

"Yes, they are very good. Better than Ivan's," she says turning to him and giving him an odd glare.

"Really?" I ask. It makes me a little happy. I take my drawings back in my hand and look thru them. I feel Natalia looking at me as I smile, looking shuffling thru my drawings. I wonder what is it about them she liked.

"You should teach Ivan a few things," she says. I think that might have offended Ivan a bit.

"Oh please, I can do anything better than _that_ fool," he replies. I don't pay him any attention though.

Ivan gets up and walks off, probably getting more popcorn or something. Natalia hands me the remote he left on his seat.

"Change the channel, I don't like this," she says.

"But, he wanted to watch this," I say as I grab the remote form her hand.

"We're guests. We decided what to watch. After all, don't you get bad reception at your rural home out in the country?" she asks.

"I don't even get a signal," I say totally convinced. I click thru the channels. I hear Ivan come back and out of the corner of my eye I see him stand for 10 seconds, stunned at what now appeared in the new screen. We begin watching an old cartoon. I and Natalia are very into it. Ivan finally sits down quietly. He stays quiet the whole time.

About two hours later, it's time for me to leave.

"Let me lead you to my front gate," smiles Ivan as he almost pushes me out of his home. We are about to head for the gate, when he closes the front door behind him and turns to me.

"Isn't she odd?" he asks.

"Odd? She's great!" I reply. He doesn't seem to listen to my response.

"She has done so many odd things. I get bad vibes from her," he says.

I get bad vibes from _you_.

"Well, I think she's swell."

"I don't really want her to stay. Even my boss thinks she's odd."

_Then don't invite her over._

"She just comes and stays for long periods of time," he says.

_Then tell her she can't come._

"She smells weird too."

_What?_

"Well I think that's just you. I think you smell odd," I say a little offended for Natalia.

"What? How?" he asks.

"I don't know. You just do. Anyways, I think you're just imagining things," I say crossing my arms.

"What?" he asks. He sounds like he wanted me to also think all those things.

"I don't know what's going on or what went on between you and her, but as long as I get along with her, I don't care what you say. Unless she's killed someone. Or done something terrible to someone I know," I say almost scolding him.

I feel he wants me on his side.

"But don't you remember what I told you?" he asks me. He means the things Natalia has done to him.

I question his credibility. I question his sincerity. I question what he might have done that caused Natalia to do whatever he says was 'wrong'. When Ivan tells things we do or I have 'done' to him to people, they don't come out accurate and sometimes plain outrageous. This is why I won't really trust him on whatever things he tells me about people, and certainly Natalia.

"Well I don't know what has happened between you two, but it's none of my business. You should deal with it yourself and not get me on your side if you have such a big problem with it," I say a little upset and walk the rest of the way to the gate by myself.

As I see my car and open the front door, I glance back at his home. I see him still standing there, looking at me a little disappointed, and sort of serious which is rare, and I see Natalia peeking thru the window. She must have heard everything. Or know I just got thru arguing with him. As I step in my car and shut the door, I begin to question Natalia's innocence. She seems unmoved by whatever I and Ivan talked about. She seems to almost know what we discussed though. It does not change anything I think of her; I just begin to feel a little sorry for Ivan having to argue with me in front of this 'evil' girl he seems to claim is true. That's pretty all I feel for him nowadays.

* * *

**a/n: review~! : ) **


	19. What a strange visit

"There, now I just have to wait for at least two hours till their done," I say as I sit on the counter in my bathroom.

Ludwig taught me how to prepare photos when developing them, so I just converted one of my many bathrooms into a developing room. I'm supposed to be spending some time by myself. To sort things thru my head.

-Thud!-

I flinch. What was that noise? I grab the curtain pole from the shower; good thing it has no curtains on it. Stepping out of the red room, I slowly step into the hallway of the downstairs bathroom. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"Hey! I said watch where you're stepping! This is a new coat!" yells someone.

"Aya! Then why did you wear it? And get off of me aru!" hissed someone else.

I know those voices. I walk a little farther down the hall, and turning the corner, I see two fools on my living room floor, piled over each other and trying to untangle their expensive looking clothing.

"Geez guys if you're going to invite yourselves in just knock next time will you?" I ask as I put the pole in my hands down.

"You left your door open you fool! And do not respond to me that way! You are such a brute!" yelled Roderich as he pushed Yao off of himself and pushed his glasses back.

"And who leaves their door unlocked? You asking for a murder to come kill you? !" he yelled again raising his fist at me. I stood there leaning against my wall, admiring his beautiful hair and face. He is so pretty.

"Hey! Are you listening to me? ! You are such a blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah? ! Blah blah blah! Blah blah-!"

Roderich is my idea of perfection. A wonderful, graceful angry man. Well talented. Too bad he is such a wuss when it came to fighting.

"What brings you two ladies here today?' I ask jokingly.

"We're here on orders you ninny! Ugh, Americans these days!" yelled Yao as he shoved Roderich out of his way.

"Orders? For what? I thought blending into human life was it," I say a little confused to what their speaking about. I scratch my forehead. The two of them then flinch.

"Wh-what is that? !" exclaims Roderich as he pointed at my head terrified.

"Oh, this?" I ask looking at my hand. It has red ink on it. Gooey red ink. I must have poured red ink into the photographs accidently again.

"It's just-"

"It's blood! Oh blood! Call the ambulance! The murder got here before us! My lord Alfred, you're going to die!" yelled Roderich panicking. Yao hit him in the back of the head.

"That's no blood, aru! That's just ink."

"Oh," he mutters.

I start laughing.

"You think this is funny? I was worried for a second there!" yelled Roderich. I calm down a little.

"Now, um, oh yes. You two said something about orders? For what?" I asked.

"We're here on Kiku-"

"- and Ludwig's behalf. They said to check up on you in case you decide to drown yourself or something."

"What? It hasn't even been a day!" I squeak.

"You're an idiot, aru. It doesn't take idiots long for them to do something stupid and dangerous."

"Like leaving the door open! Now we are totally going to secure this place you call a home! Starting by putting locks on all your doors and windows! And go take a bath you filthy blah blah blah! Blah blah? Blah BLAH BLAH BLAH! !"

"Calm down, Roderich, I don't think he understands a word your saying," said Yao as he patted Roderich's shoulder. I stared at Roderich like a child would stare at a large piece of wonderful candy. If he and I were ever in a relationship, I'd get him everything he'd ever wanted and treat him so well and never let him have to work any day for the rest of his life. He is so cute. I don't know why Gilbert hasn't made his move on him yet. Oh yeah, Gilbert likes him, but nobody is supposed to know. I wonder if his brother knows.

"Only if you'll help me," I dare say. A shoe hits me in the top of my head.

"Get out before I smack the dirt off of you!" he yells as he's being held back by Yao as he waves his other shoe at my direction.

"Whatever you say _liebe_," I say walking off. I'm sure it means love in German. That's what Ludwig mutters instead of saying love in English.

"You think the lie worked?" asked Yao.

"Worked perfectly," said Roderich.

* * *

I start undressing as the bath tub fills with water. My hands and face are really badly stained with whatever those chemicals in the Dark Room I used on the photos were. I feel sort of relieved I don't have to stay by myself in this house anymore. Especially with Yao and Roderich. I have a good relationship with them, if I do say so myself.

As soon as the tub fills up, I decide to dump some bubbles inside. I close the lid of the bottle and take off my glasses, place them on the counter.

I lie inside the tub. I dip my whole head backwards so my hair won't feel completely weird being dry.

I wonder what Toris is doing. He's probably a third-way home by now. I wonder how Feliks is like. Probably very bashful and sassy, so what Toris has described about him before.

"-Knock knock-."

"Door's open," I say.

"It's me, aru. Mind if we help ourselves to some food?"

"Sure, go ahead," I say yelling loud enough for him to hear me. I hear him walk away.

I start pouring liquid soap in my hands and start scrubbing my arms.

Did I make the right choice asking Toris to go with Feliks? What if he and Feliks get together?

"What is he doing?" asked Roderich as he finished looking thru the kitchen drawers.

"Taking a bath, surprisingly. I don't think the note is in here. I already looked in his room. The note doesn't seem to be here," said Yao. Roderich stretched a little.

"Maybe we should ask him straight out?" asked Yao.

"That'll never work. Besides, we have to be more secretive about it," said Roderich.

"Right," said Yao as they continued their search.

"You don't think that boy Toris took it with him, do you?" asked Yao.

"I don't know," said Roderich.

* * *

"Hey you guys, I'm done," I said as I walked down the stairs with new clothes, combing my hair.

No response.

"Um, guys?" I ask again as I peak my head thru the kitchen.

They're not in the kitchen. The lights are out. It's pretty dark, but it is night time. So it's supposed to be dark and-

"YAH!"

"AAH!"

I feel something hard hit the back of my head. I fall on the floor pretty hard. Before I can mutter or say anything, I grab onto someone's ankle. Then everything goes dark.

"What did you do that for?" said Roderich panicking.

"Natural reaction, aru," said Yao as he looked at Alfred sprawled on the floor. Roderich pulled Alfred's hand from his ankle and bent over the young man. He touched his head.

"You hit him pretty hard. No bleeding though."

"Let's put him on that couch there," said Yao. The two struggled to lift him up and threw him on the couch.

"Oh man, this is bad," said Yao.

"No kidding, we haven't even found that stupid no-"

Roderich spots something pocking thru the firewood in the chimney right across Alfred. He walks over to it and pokes thru it.

"What is it? See something, aru?" asked Yao curiously.

"Something's been burned here recently," said Roderich.

"You don't think-"

"Maybe."

"I doubt it," said Yao.

"Well, it's not here. Francis wasn't lying. He _does_ have the note," said Roderick.

"Do we warn Alfred?" asked Yao.

"I think we should ask _him_," said Roderich as he pulled out his phone and began looking thru his address book.

"Hello? This is _ ," said a voice from Roderich's phone.

"Francis has the note; we can't seem to find it. Toris doesn't seem to have it either," said Roderich.

"I see," said the voice.

"What would you like us to do next?" asked Roderich.

"Where is Alfred?"

"Asleep. Yao sort of knocked him out. But he suspects nothing," said Roderich.

" . . . "

"Would you like us to prepare things for you here?" asked Roderich.

"Leave the ticket there. The note, it can't be helped. I'll go ahead with everything else," said the man on the other end.

"Alright then, I'll tell Yao," said Roderich. He closed his phone.

"What did he say, aru?" asked Yao.

"He wants us to leave the ticket here. He'll do everything else," said Roderich sighing. Yao looked thru his sleeves for said ticket.

"You think this is good?" asked Roderich.

"Ai, nothing is bad or good these days. He really wants him, doesn't he?" asked Yao as he took out a ticket from his sleeve. It was a small, blue ticket. The size of a sticky note.

"You think it'll be alright if we stay here a little longer with him?" asked Roderich, stepping next to Alfred. He looked down his sleeping face.

"No, he won't like it," said Yao as he put the ticket on the marble table in the center of the living room, right in front of Alfred's face.

"How long do you think it takes him to sleep?" asked Roderich.

". . . ," Yao stared at Roderich slipping his fingers thru Alfred's clean hair.

"He must cry a lot, you know? It's so easy to see it in his eyes."

"Maybe."

"He's never going to be happy."

"Nobody ever lives to be, aru."

"We can't do this to him, maybe we should just-"as Roderich leaned in closer over Alfred's face, Yao grabbed onto Roderich's shoulder and pulled him away.

"Get a hold of yourself, you're acting just like Alfred now," said Yao as Roderich slipped his hand under his glasses, crying.

"Maybe it's a good thing," mumbled Roderich clearing his eyes.

"Let's go," said Yao as he leaded the two out of the living room. Yao opened the front door and walked out. Roderich gave one last glance at Alfred who still lied on the couch. He tore a small piece of blue fabric from the tip of his coat and tossed it on the floor.

He then turned off the lights and shut the door, locking it from the outside.

Seems later that night it began to rain. It poured really hard. A loud strike of thunder awoke Alfred.

"H-huh? Yao? Roderich? Wha?" The young lad looked around confused for the other two men. Had he just been asleep this whole time? Was their visit a dream?

He stood up, having a little trouble balancing himself. His head throbbed really hard. He headed upstairs into his room.

"Man, I really have to clean down here," said Alfred giving a last glance to his living room from the top of the stairs. A bolt of lightning illuminated the whole room. For a second, he thought he saw someone by the main door entrance. Terrified, Alfred ran for his room. He closed it shut and locked it.

He dashed for his bed and kicked his pants off, pulled the covers to as high as he could, terrified of thunder.

"I should really consider re-locating," he muttered to himself almost laughingly.

"-Yawn-. Well tomorrow I'll begin work," he said and tried to go back to sleep. He found it hard to.

Meanwhile Yao and Roderich were already boarding a car to take them straight to a building in the city nearby Alfred's home.

Roderich stared out of the window the whole time, unmoved from the thunderstorm.

Yao looked at the man from the corner of his eye.

"What's on your mind, Roderich?" asked Yao, a little curious, as he leaned over to his side of the car.

" . . . ," Roderich said nothing.

Alfred stared at the window, wanting to watch every lightning bolt he could possibly see. Seeing lightning bolts reassured him somehow. It was the noise that terrified him, not the lightening itself.

He smiled.

"Goodnight Toris," he mumbled and fell fast asleep afterwards.

"A lot of things," weakly smiled Roderich, "a lot of things."

* * *

**a/n: review~! : )**


	20. A wonderful vision

This is a dream. I know it's a dream. But why can't I say it's a dream? I can't say the sentence. It seems I can only speak when it means something in this dream.

I look around my surroundings. I see a rather large building, the shape of a beautiful castle almost. It's a college. Or university. How beautiful. It's so breathtaking, I love it! Wait, what's this? Why am I the only one here?

"Let's head into this direction," says a voice from nowhere grabbing onto my arm. I look down at myself. I'm wearing strange clothes. I'm pretty sure this is not my typical sense of style. Either I'm older in this dream or this is crazy.

"Arthur?" the man holding on to my arm is Arthur. I look at him completely baffled. How strange of him to be holding onto my arm.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"To class. We're going to be late again. Thanks to me. Sorry," he says. I blush. He said sorry to me. He's rarely nice like this, so it makes me feel nervous.

"He's coming with me," says somebody else, grabbing onto my other arm. I turn to see another young man cling to my arm. He glares at Arthur. He seems mad.

"Look pal, I don't know who you think you are, but you better let go," demands Arthur as we stop walking. The other man sticks his tongue out. I seem to feel like I know him.

"Let me speak to him Arthur."

"Alright," he says.

"Privately," I say and shove the other boy to another direction. Under some stairs I grab the boy's shoulders.

"What do you think you're doing?" I ask angrily.

"Me? What are you doing with that asshole? You said he treated you bad, and here you are getting chummy. You're with me right now, so tell him to back off," said the boy. I can't seem to look away from those pretty green eyes.

"Look, you and I were never official. I never said I'd stay with you."

Why am I saying this? Does this mean I was with this boy? In a relationship?

"_We're_ together, _you_ said," said the boy.

"I like Arthur, not _you_," I force myself to say.

I don't understand the words coming out of my mouth. I really don't mean any of this. I have no idea what I'm speaking about. This must be a dream. In dreams, sometimes I say things I don't understand like this place we're in right now. Why am I dreaming this?

"That's not true, you said it yourself," says the boy.

"Look, I-"

The boy grabs my face and shoves his mouth to mine to get me to shut up. After a few seconds I shove him away.

"Stop doing that! You're such a stalker!" I yell angrily.

A stalker? What am I talking about?

I walk off; well my feet _make_ me walk off. I would have wanted to stay and told the boy I'm sorry, but, I don't seem to have control of my own body in this dream.

Far away, I see Arthur waiting for me. He smiles at me, seeing me come by myself. I can't seem to look past his smile. Everything else seems blurry into comparison. I keep walking to him. I feel a smile in my own face.

Then, I feel wet. A liquid pouring down my chest. I cough once. I touch my chest. It is blood. I turn to see behind me. It's the boy, holding a gun right at me a good meter away. He seems terrified. He must have wanted to shoot at Arthur. I run towards Arthur, to protect him from the bullets. I grab his waist; I fall to my knees, unable to stand. I look up to him.

"R-run," I utter. I want to cry now. I'm terrified.

He is still smiling at me, looking down at me now.

"RUN!" I yell as loud as I could.

He still stands there, grinning down at me. I look at him mortified.

What's going on? Why won't you move? Why won't you . . . ?

I turn back to see the other young man hold his gun up and shooting at our direction. I feel something warm hit me in the back another two times. I clutch harder at Arthur's clothes.

He seems confident no harm will come to him, because I'm in the way. He seems confident that I will never let anything bad happen to him. He seems confident that . . . I will never leave him.

I look angrily into his smile.

I will not let this man take advantage of me anymore.

I let go of his clothes. I slump to the ground. I see his smile turn into a twisted frown. I see his mouth open as bullets land on _his_ chest.

He looks at me; I still can't see his eyes. Only his awkward frown.

"Why?" he seems to whisper. Why did I leave his side?

I find I can now finally smile.

We both drop to the ground. I cover the wounds in my chest.

All I can seem to think as I lie there dying is that I let him get hurt too.

I've spoiled him too much with the security that I will always be there for him.

Not anymore.

I feel alleviated. I take a big breathe of air in. It hurts, in a good way.

This must be to really live.

I close my eyes and wake up from my dream.

I sit up in my bed; stare at the window, the trees, and the warm sunlight reaching my bed. The birds chirp so wonderfully. I look at my hands, as if to see blood. No blood. I feel wonderful. I let him get hurt, and I feel wonderful. He finally felt pain, the same pain I felt. And that makes me happy.

I wasn't suffering alone anymore.

* * *

I gurgle and spit the minty water into my sink. I have a lot of cleaning to do. I look up at the mirror to check my reflection.

I can't seem to stop feeling relief and happiness.

I let him feel the same pain I was. I've never done that before, in real life or dream.

I leave my bathroom to find some fresh chore-friendly clothes.

As I brush my hair back, scanning the living room and then glance at the cleaning products I took out from the kitchen under the sink, I notice there's a blue piece of paper on the table. I frown at it.

"I don't remember that being there," I say as I grab a broom and begin sweeping the ground. I can get to that later.

A while into sweeping, I feel my stomach gurgle a little. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning. It's not like me. I pay no mind to it as I continue sweeping and dusting my home.

Something doesn't seem right. It's not Toris's absence. There's something wrong with all of this.

I stop sweeping and look around my living room.

Yao and Roderich. I had a dream seeing them in my home. Why?

I look at the floor again and spot something blue. A piece of fabric. I grab at it. I don't have anything this blue. I glance back at the paper on my table. I pick it up and sit on my couch.

It's a coupon?

An ice cream coupon.

I lick my lips.

Free ice cream sounds like something awesome right about now.

I look at my phone.

Kiku usually likes to go out with me. Kiku plus his car equals free ice cream.

I roll over the floor and grab my phone, I knock it down and jab my arm at it in desperate hunger. I dial Kiku's phone number as fast as I can.

"KIKU! KIKU!" I yell as I hear the dial tone end.

"What is it?" asked Kiku on the other end unmoved by my urgency.

"Let's go to the mall," I say in a low almost creepy voice. Malls have lots of ice cream for me and electronics for Kiku.

"I thought you were recovering and needed complete isolation," said Kiku.

"_I'm a masochist_. _Now_ can we go?" I ask eagerly.

"As good as it's going to get huh? Let me go get ready," said Kiku hanging up. I hang up my phone too.

"Alright! FREE ICE CREAM HERE I COME!" I yell as I dash upstairs to change. It seems I have completely forgotten about the pictures I was developing.

Oh well.

* * *

"Stop bouncing around."

"I'm excited, what can you except?"

"Over free ice cream."

"_You_ want to buy me some?"

"I'll keep quiet."

Kiku was driving us in his fancy new black car to the mall. It was a long way's way from my home that's for sure. I rarely go to the city. I sat beside him in the front seat. This is so exciting, going to the mall just for the sake of free food! I tap my pocket to make sure I still have the ticked with me. It said unlimited number of scoops. Who can argue with that?

We get off the free way and start entering the parking lot.

"Don't tell Ludwig I came with you, understand?" asked Kiku.

"Why?" I asked confused.

"He'll kill me. He said you really should get time alone."

I see it pointless to tell him about my dream.

We finally start to park. Outside, it still looks a little cloudy from the rain from last night, but all in all the same mildly cold weather.

"ICE CREAM! !" I yell bolting out of Kiku's car the second the vehicle stopped moving. I felt a pang of pain hit me in the back.

"I don't think so," says Kiku as he picks up the wrapped sword he always seems to carry as he walks away from me.

"S-sorry," I mumble as I slowly walk behind him crying a little.

The two of us step inside the East entrance. Before I can bolt ahead, I feel something ache around my waist.

"I'm not letting you out of my sight," said Kiku as he held on a plastic holder. He had tied me with one of those things you put around pet animals.

"Kiku! C'mon!" I squeak trying to run off from him, but find it hard to.

"Let's go over here. I've been meaning to buy a new camera," said Kiku as he with ease dragged me across the floor. I let myself be dragged, crossing my arms. He must have drunk a lot of coffee this morning to be able to drag me across the floor.

I finally stand up as we walk into an electronic store. He clips me to the kart he picks and proceeds to push it farther into the store. Out of the corner of my eye I see Feliciano also clipped to a kart. I also spot Ludwig looking through the new DVDs. I poke Kiku and point straight at them. His face goes all white, same as mine.

"Walk back slowly," muttered Kiku as he and I head back to where we came from the entrance. We decide to head the opposite way from them.

"Maybe clothes shopping will be best," he mumbled as he walked ahead of me. I was busy looking around to anything that resembled the shape of an ice cream cone till I felt another yank at my waist. I turned to see Kiku staring into a clothing store. It had a long foreign name with upside down letters. It was probably a Russian store no doubt. Kiku ran inside, yanking me with him as he unnoticing pulled hard on the rope still strapped around my waist.

He stopped to a wax figure displaying a white suit. I fixed my glasses as I cached my breath.

No, scratch that, a white coat.

"Oh Kiku-"

"I need it," he said as he rubbed his left cheek against the fabric.

"You don't need _another_ white coa-"

He pressed his hand to the back of my head and shoved my face to the fabric.

"Oh my Lord you totally need to buy this," I said as I rubbed my face on the fabric.

An attendant appeared out of nowhere and poked Kiku's shoulder. She demonstrated a whole selection of different colors behind us. I saw Kiku's jaw drop as he dashed for the coats. I glance to the lady who's grin is making me feel uneasy.

Above the coat there's a 50% off tag. I glance back at where Kiku ran at. I see him fighting off other men and women for the coats. I look back at the lady. Touché.

Then, it occurs to me that Kiku has let go of the rope.

I double check. Yup, the rope is on the floor. I untie it. I glance at Kiku. Surely this would take him more than 2 hours. I dashed outside the store and began my search for the food stands and a look-out for Ludwig.

* * *

After running around for five minutes, I notice that above me signs of where the food court is located are pointed out to me. I take in a deep breath, feeling so stupid. I glance around. I start noticing lots of small children with rather large ice cream cones. I smile. I'm close.

I run again to where the arrows lead me to my sweet ice cream!

_Alfred_.

I suddenly hault.

_Alfred, what are you doing?_

Getting ice cream, answered back Alfred into his mind. He looked around, as if Alfred's thoughts could be heard by the people around him.

_Alfred, why did you let me get hurt? Why?_ Asked a hurt voice. Arthur's hurt voice.

Alfred clenched his teeth. He rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed for some reason.

_Alfred, why did you hurt me like that?_ The voice repeated in his mind.

Alfred bit his lip and began running again.

_No, get out of my head! I've had it with you! You only bring me sadness!_ Yelled Alfred in his head.

_You bring it on yourself._ Replied the voice.

Alfred found a free seat and sat down. He breathed heavily, as if he'd ran for a long distance, looking down at the floor over his knees he rested his body on.

_Stupid weird thoughts._

He glanced up. He saw a big 'Food Court' sign. He glanced at the counter near him. It was in fact an ice cream shaped counter. Alfred's face brightened up. The sight of his most favorite food gave him enough power to ignore his thoughts. He walked up to the counter at the lady with a hat shaped like an ice cream cone. She did not seem amused to have this job. Nor did Alfred really care.

"I would like the biggest bowl you have, with as many scoops you can fit in it, with as much toppings you can possibly put on it, with the hottest fudge you've got," smiled Alfred. The lady, emotionless and obviously tired of her job just looked at him.

"That'll be-"

"Wait! I have a coupon that say's I can get whatever I want for free!" said Alfred shoving thru his pockets.

"R_ii_ght," said the lady with a monotone response.

Alfred began to panic. He checked both pockets, but no ticket. He then checked his coat's pockets. He felt a piece of paper. Delighted and relieved, he slammed the ticket on the counter with such confidence.

"I'll have it to go my good lady-!"

"This is expired," said the woman looking at the ticket.

"What?" asked Alfred, not understanding such a sentence.

"Right here, expired a year ago almost. Besides, this is a birthday gift card. I'm sure it isn't your birthday, you must be some lonely guy if it is, a rather stupid lonely guy at that," said the lady. Alfred held up the ticked to his face. In tiny print, it was pretty clear it had expired.

"I . . . see," mumbled Alfred defeated as he slumped forward and retreated away. He shoved the ticket down his pocket. He must be a pretty hungry stupid fool to think a random ticket he found at his table to actually be something so good.

As closed his jacket's pocket, he saw something small and blue fall. A piece of fabric. Where had that come from?

Out of curiosity he picked it up. He randomly looked up to see if anyone had been observing his journey of stupidity and humiliating antics. He then spotted a young boy, a little younger looking that him perhaps, sitting on the table he had previously been sitting at. The boy had short blond hair up to his shoulders. His green, shiny and beautifully delicate emerald eyes staring down at a bowl of ice cream he poked at with a silver spoon. The boy then looked down at Alfred, who was still bending over clutching the blue cloth in his hand. Alfred's face flushed red. He then turned away abruptly as he noticed he had been staring at the boy with his jaw latterly dropped. He was about to walk away, his pride damaged enough already for the day, when he heard a quiet chuckle. He turned to the boy.

"Would you like some? I'm afraid I'm not all that hungry for something so cold," smiled the blond boy at Alfred. He felt his heart pound loud as the boy blinked, almost delicately, to him. Alfred glanced around.

"Yes you with the glasses and brown jacket, I'm speaking to you," chuckled the boy again as he lifted his vanilla covered spoon at Alfred. Alfred felt a weak smile come to his face.

"S-sure," he said still a little embarrassed. He swallowed hard as he sat across the boy. His stupid smile hadn't gone away, he felt too shy to move.

"Here," said the boy handing the spoon he had been playing with to Alfred. Alfred reached and grabbed it. He felt his heart grow louder as he touched the boy's hand at receiving the spoon. He didn't bother to ask whether the boy had eaten from the spoon. Alfred didn't care. He shoved the spoon into the bowl of ice cream, not taking his eyes from the young man.

"It's alright, eat right away," smiled the young boy at Alfred. Completely reassured, Alfred finally smiled confidently back as he dug into the bowl.

"My name is Alfred, Alfred Jones," smiled Alfred thru a stuffed mouth of fruit.

The young boy grinned as he rested his head on a palm, his arm resting on the table.

"My name is Vash. Vash Zwingli."

At that moment, the whole world seemed dim and dull in comparison to Vash's wonderful smile.

* * *

**a/n: review~! : ) **


	21. Aspiration

_I can't believe my luck. I must be the luckiest guy in the world!_

"That's a very pretty name, Vash," said Alfred with a stupid smile. Embarrassed, he shoved the rest of his face into the bowl. Alfred's smile still didn't go away. He looked like a mischievous boy, busy looking into a woman's bath house. Except he was just looking at this new fellow he just met. Maybe 'just' was a little too casual.

"I-I'm sorry, I must be pretty weird. And, I can assure you I'm no freeloader. I can pay for this later. I'm so sorry," stuttered Alfred nervously as he scratched the back of his head, his grin dripping of vanilla. He just felt so nervous, knowing the young man's eyes were right on him.

"It's alright; I wouldn't have offered it to you if I didn't want you to eat it, now would I? Here, you have a spot," said Vash as he reclined over the table, Alfred spotting a napkin in his hand. Alfred clenched his eyes, only to feel a finger wisp over his mouth. He opened his eyes to see Vash finish sucking on his finger. Alfred's grin turned to a bashful grin; his face went redder. He did not know what to say.

"Mustn't let it go to waste, right?" laughed Vash. Alfred's smile returned.

"Y-yeah!" he squeaked finishing his bowl.

"So, do you live nearby?" asked the fellow as he returned to staring at Alfred, his head resting on his left palm again, almost in an admiring gaze.

"I live out by the woods. It gets pretty scary at night though. I live alone now. I don't go out much as much as I'd like to. My boss is a real tight ass," laughed Alfred.

"Oh, then are you familiar with the malls, arcades, and restaurants here?" asked Vash.

"Of course! I might be locked up at home much of the time, but I love to go out! Like right now I'm not supposed to be here!"

"Really? Why is that?"

"Well, cause a friend of mine just left, I promised my friend Ludwig I'd think stuff over and stuff," mumbled Alfred meekly as he stared into his bowl. The chocolate on the sides reminded him of Toris's brown hair. He made a small frown.

"What kind of stuff?"

Alfred looked up to see Vash watching him attentively.

"Wow, you do like asking lots of questions."

"I'm sorry if it startles you, I'll keep quiet now," said Vash raising his head from his palm.

"It's just that, I've been awful lonely," said Alfred as he put the spoon back.

"I've been wondering a lot lately. Who I really want to be with. What sort of relationships I should have with some of the people I know. I know you're just a nice stranger I happen to meet but, do you ever wonder those kinds of things?" asked Alfred meekly looking at the man. Vash reclined back to his chair, his hands on his lap. He looked to the side, avoiding Alfred's eyes.

"Why yes, I do. Right now I think I might be in love, but I'm wondering if they love me back," said Vash almost embarrassed. Alfred noticed Vash's face go red, as if on cue. He swallowed hard. His palms felt very sweaty now.

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure with your personality, you won't have a problem!" smiled Alfred. Vash turned to him.

"Heh. You think so?" chuckled Vash.

"Of course! I mean, first time I set eyes on you, I thought I was literally going to fall on my knees!"

"You _were_ on your knees," added in Vash.

"See! That just proves it! The young lady should be honored to have such a fine gentleman such as yourself to worry about her!"

"_He_."

"H-huh?"

"A young _man_. A he," said Vash. Alfred felt his enthusiasm paralyze for a sec. He thought he had just met a wonderful stranger, who he actually thought was kind of handsome. At first he was glad for the fellow to love a lady, but with a _he_, he felt . . . something snap inside. Why?

"ALFRED!" yelled a distant voice. Vash and Alfred turned around to see a short man pushing a rather large kart with heavy bags inside heading straight for them.

"Shit," mumbled Alfred as he stood up from his seat. Vash turned to him confused.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"It's this guy who's pretty pissed at me right about now. Um, look, thanks for the-"

"ALFRED!" yelled the voice louder as Kiku shoved past customers and passerby's as best he could with his small figure. Alfred felt panicked. He wanted to have something with Vash. Maybe meeting the young man was a sign. His dream and this man. Maybe he was destined to meet someone new. Someone who can understand what he feels and wants. Someone who cares.

The thing Alfred most desired.

He now understood what he has _always_ wanted.

Alfred clenched his fists. He wasn't going to let a strange man have this blond stranger! It's time he set his foot down and start making moves instead of waiting for something to be done for him! He doesn't want another 'Arthur incident' to happen all over again. He let Arthur get away from him; he wasn't going to pass this opportunity!

"Vash, look, I like you. I feel like we were destined to meet. Please, I want to see you soon. Forget this other guy; I'd like you to give _me_ a shot! Look me up, I'm begging you-!"

Kiku grabbed Alfred as he passed by on a runaway kart. Alfred fell inside the orange kart as Kiku lifted himself on top of the handle.

"GIVE ME A CHANCE!" yelled Alfred back as he and Kiku finally rolled out of sight. Vash stared into the direction for a while. He returned his gaze at the table. From his pocket he pulled out a cell phone.

"Did you get all that?" asked Vash into the phone.

"Yes, all here recorded," said Yao on the other line.

"Thank you," said Vash as he hung up. As his IPhone went back to main menu, Vash's screensaver reappeared. It was an image of a young Alfred in school uniform in his youth days. Vash licked his bottom lip a little as he inhaled in deeply, almost as if wanting to take in Alfred's scent.

"Soon you'll be with _me_," he muttered to himself as he put the phone back in his pocket, re-buttoned his jacket and walked off into the crowd of window shoppers," and far away from that _stupid_ Arthur."

* * *

Outside in the parking lot where the sky still seemed dim and dark, Kiku and Alfred waited for Kiku's boss to drive the two home.

"What do you think you were doing running off from me Alfred? That's it, no more going out for you! Ludwig was right; it was a good idea to keep you at home-!"

"Kiku . . . ," muttered Alfred in a serious tone. Kiku turned to the young man, surprised. Alfred hadn't made a peep since they got out of the mall. This serious tone concerned him.

"Yes Alfred? Is something the matter?" asked Kiku.

"I don't think I need to be alone to find out what I really want anymore. I found it. I found _him_," said Alfred looking up at the cloudy sky. It had started to drizzle a little again.

"Oh no, Alfred, not this again-"

"I need someone who cares about me-"

"But we do. Ludwig, Toris, Matthew, me-"

"No! I need someone who really cares about me!" yelled Alfred turning to Kiku.

"And another crush isn't going to help you! We care about you Alfred, which is why we think it isn't such a good idea to start thinking about being in a relationship! You're too-"

"Too what? Crazy? Emotionally unstable? Paranoid? Stupid? I know everything that's wrong with me! I don't need you telling me that-!"

"No Alfred. You've got it all wrong. You shouldn't always think so badly of yourself-"

"Oh like everyone else doesn't. I'm the butt of love jokes. I'm tired of all of you bringing up Arthur all the time. My feelings are hurt when you bring him up. When I hear you are all speaking and meeting up with him. Why hasn't he approached me? I must mean nothing to him. No wait, you're right. I'm giving him too much credit. I've been the stupid one the whole time. To think I fooled myself that I meant so much to him. I always thought I had a special place in his mind. I guess I was wrong, I should have never blabbed so much of my dreams and feelings to him. He must think I'm some desperate man telling him everything about me so he'd be so well informed and caught up with me! I'm so stupid!" Alfred began to grab at his hair, almost pulling at it. Kiku then smacked his arm. Alfred, startled, stepped back a little.

"Stop being a crybaby. Everyone has problems and issues. You're no different from any one of these people here, or me. I'm able to handle it better, or hide it better, than you. You are very egotistical," said Kiku almost spitting the word out. He was surprised Alfred hadn't cried yet. He just looked angry.

"And I want to find someone who can live with someone like me," said Alfred, almost proudly as he stormed off to another direction.

"Alfred? Come back!" yelled Kiku.

"I'll see you soon Kiku. Say hi to Ludwig for me," smiled Alfred as he winked at Kiku before turning around and walking off. He speed-dialed his phone for a cab.

In the distance, a young blond fellow sat in his car with binoculars, spying on Alfred.

"You think Kiku made him mad?" asked Gilbert has he stuffed some more syrup-filled pancakes into his mouth, sitting besides Francis.

"He and Kiku seemed to have had an argument, but Alfred seems pleased about it. He's probably riding separately from Kiku.

"Who was that he was speaking to in the food court?" asked Ivan as he ate some stuffed powdered donuts behind Francis's seat.

"A blond boy with green eyes," said Francis as he handed Ivan a small notepad with a sketch of the boy. Ivan and Gilbert both stopped chewing.

"Oh my," said Ivan as Gilbert began choking on his food.

"I couldn't get his name, too many people in the way for me to see anything also," said Francis.

"That's Vash! Crazy Vash! You cross him and consider yourself socially dead!" said Gilbert. Francis looked at both of them confused.

"Crazy? You must be joking sir," said Francis in disbelief.

"Da it's true. I hear he's very mean when he has to be. He doesn't like to associate himself with a lot of people," said Ivan.

"What do you suppose this '_crazy'_ Vash was doing talking to Alfred then?" asked Francis.

"I don't know man, but better keep a close eye on him, he's very aggressive," said Gilbert.

"-Sigh-. Sure sure, as long as he doesn't interfere with our secret mission, he won't be of any concern to us," said Francis as he turned on his car. He switched the wipers on.

"Looks like he's taking a cab, da," said Ivan as he looked thru the foggy window. The three glanced to Francis's left side of the car to see Alfred step into a cab.

"All of a sudden I feel concerned for the little guy," said Gilbert.

"Oh? How so?" asked Francis.

"He's _pretty_ stupid," said Gilbert. Francis and Ivan stared at him in disbelief. Here Gilbert was a not so bright fellow calling someone else stupid. That really was a sight.

"Yeah, but stupid means crazy, and crazy means doing _crazy_ stuff," said Ivan.

"Not to mention very _interesting_ stuff," smiled Francis. He backed up the car and proceeded to exit the crowded parking lot.

"I hope to see indeed a very good show little Alfred."

* * *

Alfred sighed as he stared out the window. Maybe he shouldn't have shouted at poor Kiku like that. He felt like such a jerk at the moment.

"_Stop being a crybaby. Everyone has problems and issues. You're no different from any one of these people here, or me. I'm able to handle it better, or hide it better, than you. You are very egotistical."_

He had never considered thinking about other people's suffering. Wow, he must be such a selfish brat. An egotistical brat.

"_You conceited brat,"_ he recalled Arthur telling him once.

"_A conceited brat you love!"_ he had replied with a big smile.

Alfred didn't want to think about his selfishness at the moment. Right now, he was focused about his need; the need of having someone truly cares and loves him. A person who can help him feel good about himself, who he can trust and confide everything in, someone he can kiss at night and not be embarrassed.

"How much longer?" asked Alfred to the driver.

"A good two hours. You live pretty far off," said the woman.

"Yeah, I do," replied Alfred as he nuzzled into his jacket. It was pretty cold. He felt very sleepy.

It might be a problem sneaking to go see Vash, if he could ever contact him ever again that is.

He could still see the young man's lovely green eyes. He must really like the color green. Arthur wore green, so did Toris. Both had green eyes as he could recall. He shrugged. He was glad Ludwig's eyes weren't green. He smiled. Ludwig could never be anything more than a brother to him. He'd do anything for him.

He curled into a small ball and raised his legs up to his chin.

_Arthur, have you ever felt this pain?_

He thought back on his dream. He had let Arthur also get shot by the stalker-boyfriend in his dream after Alfred had been shot. It had felt good, knowing Arthur was also hurt the same way he had, maybe even more seeing that Alfred voluntarily stopped being his shield.

_I hope you have._

He yawned and closed his eyes.

"Wake me up when we get home," he muttered as he fell asleep. The woman tipped her cab hat up. She smiled.

* * *

**A/N: I am really starting to enjoy my frequent updating with this story, I _should_ update my other stories, and _probably_ be studying myself to death for my AP exams. Eh. **

**Review~! xD**


	22. Dread

"Kiku, do you think Alfred likes me?" mumbled Ivan out of the blue, seriously, out of the blue, as he and Kiku sat in the back seats with one of Kiku's bosses' driving.

Kiku was giving a ride to Ivan later that day after what would be considered he and Alfred's first 'argument'.

"Do you think Alfred really loves vampires?" asks Kiku staring blankly outside the window.

"Of course he does. He loves vampires. There isn't a day that goes by he doesn't mention his favorite vampires," replies Ivan as he plays with his fingers. Ivan has recently started to question his closeness with Alfred, so it seemed to Kiku. What Kiku didn't understand was what made Ivan ask this out of the blue, especially since he believed Ivan had something against him.

"I've been wondering why he likes his vampires so much," adds in Kiku, "they are such odd creatures."

"Probably because they are very timid and unpredictable," says Ivan.

"Heh. Just like Alfred, huh?" Kiku laughed giving a small chuckle as he rested his head with his hand, the arm reclining against the car door.

"He's very off, isn't he?" asked Ivan. The nervous tone made Kiku raise an eyebrow. How unusual of Ivan.

"He's been very quite to me lately, have you noticed? Very distant," adds in Ivan still playing with his thumbs.

"Well, he is very odd. Lots of things are going thru his mind. You know how he is when he thinks about things too much. He tends to picture very outrageous scenarios. He can be quite self-conscious of what others think of him, mentally. He's very childish, despite how much he is aware of."

"He is quite sensitive," says Ivan in a negative tone.

"Things tend to make a big impact on him, whether it is a harmless compliment or hand gesture. It is neither a good or bad thing. It's what makes him struggle even more with things."

"I wonder if he hates me," says Ivan, "I've done quite a number on him."

Kiku sighs as he reclines his back on the leather seat, crossing his arms as he closes his eyes. Ivan attentively stares.

"It's a little late to make those statements. Whether you both hate each other will not separate you two. You've invested too much into each other. Besides, you cannot hate a person. There are reasons why somebody does not like someone as much as they'd like to," huffs Kiku as he takes in a deep breath.

"Have you ever asked him why he told you first?"

Ivan looked up at Kiku surprised. He understood what he was talking about immediately.

"About Arthur? Not really. I assumed he spoke to me about it because I was alright with hearing those kind of things and I wouldn't react so severely like the rest of you did," said Ivan.

"Right. He's been getting awfully . . . strangle lately," said Kiku a little concerned.

"How so?" asked Ivan, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't think he knows he's trying to rebound."

* * *

_What's the point of having friends if they never want to hear everything you say? _

Alfred sat on a pile of crimson, thick liquid, trickling down from the sidewalk step he sat at. The blood poured from his chest. He stared coldly at Arthur's dead body still lying about 5 meters away from him, face up. Whoever had shot at them and claimed to be madly in love with him was long gone.

Alfred continued making tiny shapes on the step in front of him with his blood that scurried from his arm all the way to his gloveless hand. He kept his eyes narrowed at it.

_Nobody exists that wants to know everything about me. I'm important. _Very_ important._

Arthur's body formed a thin pool of blood around itself, the blood seeing into the grass right under his body, feeding the shaded and deserted courtyard.

_Why isn't there anybody I can tell _all_ of my feelings and thoughts to?_

Alfred stopped; small, bloody hearts stared back at him. Alfred's cold frown twisted into a wicked smile.

_I hate all of this._

Alfred stretched at sat up from the stairs. He felt no more pain from his bloodied chest. He had found himself already sitting at the steps.

He walked a good circle around Arthur's dead body. His widen, green lifeless eyes stared back, horrified. He had died confused and scared.

Alfred stared at the dead man's face with an angry frown.

_You never cared about me, did you Arthur? All you did was listen and listen and criticize me. You abandoned me when I most needed you. Maybe I was wrong thinking you were so dear to me, as I was to think I was dear to you. Well how do you like it now? Hurt, terrified, and dead. That's how I live every day. Except I'm dead inside. I might be a selfish brat, but you took advantage of my self-centeredness. You bastard!_

Alfred kicked at Arthur's waist. He kicked and kicked and kicked until his left boot was filled with blood and clothing.

Panting, Alfred dried his face from sweat with his bloody hand. He smeared blood all over his cheeks as he did so.

_Why did I love?_

Alfred stared back at Arthur's green eyes.

_Why did I love _you_?_

He felt his eyes burn and his throat clogged.

_Why did I love _you_! ?_

He began crying and sobbing openly likes a small useless child, covering his eyes with his bloodied hands.

'Stop crying,' said an unknown voice. Alfred looked around wieldy.

"I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I didn't kill him! It was the other ma-"

'You let it happen though. You let him get hurt.'

"What am I supposed to do? Let myself get hurt instead of him? ! I'm tired of suffering alone-!"

'Then tell him. Tell him what you feel,' said the ghostly, young woman's voice.

"But I-"

'Stop making excuses. Nobody else can speak for you, you know? Only you call tell him.'

"But, Ivan and Kiku and all of them know. Why can't they-!"

'It's because only Arthur will believe you. Tell him. You must.'

"I don't want to be sad and alone," said Alfred looking down at Arthur's face.

'You already are pal,' said the woman's voice. Alfred twitched at it.

" . . . I am?" found Alfred asking aloud as he woke up. He stared up at a car's ceiling. He sat up slowly from his dream to look out a foggy window. He then glanced at the cab woman, busy tapping her fingers to the beat of a song.

"Excuse me miss," said Alfred, "how far are we from my home?"

"Oh, I'd say a good hour left."

"WHAT?"

That couldn't be possible. Alfred had a dream; he couldn't be possibly so far off from home. His dreams and nightmares usually lasted a good four hours.

"Say that again Roderich, the annoying boy finally woke from his muttering," said the woman in her headset.

"Roderich?" Alfred asked stupidly.

"Yes, Roderich Edelstein, you got a problem?" asked the girl a little annoyed.

"Elizabethan? "Asked Alfred aloud.

"Don't you forget it either!" she squeaked proudly as she made a mad turn to the right. Everything in the car went to one side, but Alfred quietly sat in place.

"Gees you talk too much in your sleep, really now, stuff a sock in it! You can't even shut up in dreams," mumbled the woman. Alfred nervously sat back.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I've been . . . very confused lately. Yeah," he muttered meekly as he scratched the back of his neck.

"It's alright darling, just promise to stop asking me questions," she said.

"Asking questions? Wait, you were the angel answering me?" asked Alfred baffled.

"Angel? I don't know about that, but yeah, I answered the things you asked aloud. No harm done, right?" she asked.

"Um, Elizabethan, am I . . . hopeless?" asked Alfred. A very stupid question if he say so himself. Already he regretted asking it aloud.

"You're pretty stupid and rash. But you're also very cute and self-conscious. You're not a bad lad. I hope you find happiness in life," she smiled back as she made another mad turn to the left.

Another wish for happiness. How stupid.

"There's no such thing as happiness. Nobody can understand you. Nobody. Why bother with things?" asked Alfred aloud as he turned his attention to the window, sitting behind Elizabethan.

"Why don't you go kill yourself then, Mr. Pessimistic," she giggled. Alfred looked at her confused. She grinned, seeing his startled face reflected on her rear-view mirror.

"I will always live unhappy. No matter what," said Alfred in a loud voice obviously offended.

"Everyone does. Why not make the most of your life? If I told you you were going to be shot if you moved, would you still move and try to get away or stand there stupid and let it happen?"

At this, Alfred remembered his dream. Arthur had been staring terrified up at the sky. Alfred had let him be killed. Instead of one of them going down, he had left both of them go down. A relationship consisted of sharing things and feelings. But, it was unquestionable, that the other person be willing to sacrifice themselves in such a scenario as being shot at. Alfred wasn't angry because Arthur never got 'hurt' and depended on him to take all the 'damage'. He was angry because he never saw any protection in return. Not through his eyes anyway.

The car finally stopped.

"That'll be $80 princess," said Elizabethan sticking her hand out at Alfred.

"WHAT?"

"I'm charging you for advice too. You're pretty stupid, aren't you?" asked Elizabethan with a smiling face.

"Yeah, I guess," muttered Alfred as he shifted thru his pockets for money.

"?"

"What is it?" asked the girl.

"Um, I found ripped cloth," mumbled Alfred as he stared at his hand at the blue cloth.

"Why, that looks like-"

"ELIZABETHAN WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME?" yelled a loud voice from Elizabethan's head set.

"Oh, sorry Rodi. I'm busy speaking to Alfred here. That's all right, I'll put in on your tab," Elizabethan clicked on a switch that unlocked the door. As Alfred zipped up his jacket and braced himself for the mad dash to his front porch in the thick rain, he felt a hand grab at his shoulder.

"Be careful what you say," warned the girl looking straight at Alfred's eyes in a severe way.

"A-alright," muttered back Alfred nervously before jumping out of the vehicle and slamming it shut.

"Roderich, why don't you wanna tell him you and Yao _were_ at his home? Don't tell me Vash . . ."

"Elizabethan . . . do you believe in true love?"

"Pff! NO," giggled Elizabethan.

"_He_ does," replied Roderich solemnly on the other line. Elizabethan quieted down.

"He wants to find somebody who actually gives themselves completely to him, and vice versa."

"There's no such thing! It's stupid!" nervously answered the girl.

"Try telling that to him," answered Roderich quietly, "he won't hear of it."

"Alfred's ruining his life though, I thought Ludwig would at least try to stop him," said Elizabethan in a saddened tone.

"He has," said Roderich almost in a crying way, "everyone has."

"Someone has to slap sense into him, before he does something crazy like that Christmas episode," said Elizabethan as she started the car. From her window she saw Alfred turn back to the vehicle, under his roof on his porch, waiving back at her, smiling.

"There's no stopping the unavoidable," responded Roderich, "goodnight."

The tone went dead. Elizabethan sighed as she gripped the car's wheel. She honked back at Alfred.

"Poor bastard," she mumbled, smiling sadden as she drove off.

Alfred kicked his wet boots and drenched coat to one side of his living room as he dashed to his bathroom, completely forgotten the pictures he had left up there to dry.

"Shit shit _shit_!" he huffed as he took them down quickly. Some of them had become wrinkled with liquid.

As he desperately tried waving them dry, he recalled one of the images. He glanced at his left hand. There stared an image of he and Arthur, and the rest of their closest friends. It might have been the only image he had of them. He stared at it almost irritated.

"Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Not even give it a shot," he mumbled. As he sat the pictures on his kitchen table now for them to dry off a little more, Alfred shifted thru his pocket and took out the expired ticked at blue cloth.

He remembered Elizabethan's warning about what he says. What was that supposed to mean?

"Everything is so fucking complicated," he grumbled as he slumped into a kitchen chair and slammed his head on the table, completely tired.

-Ring ring-.

Now what?

-RING RING.-

Shut up.

-RING RING RING!-.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" yelled Alfred as he snatched the phone from his kitchen wall.

"Alfred?" answered a strange voice.

"Who is this? When I find out who this is I swear I'm going to-!"

"It's me. Arthur."

Alfred felt his heart stop. He dropped the phone. The cheap plastic clacked loudly on the floor. He felt his jaw drop a little.

"Alfred? Are you there? Answer me," demanded Arthur's voice quietly.

Alfred felt beads of sweat forming in his palms. His breathing kicked up a little.

"Alfred?" asked the voice once more. Alfred picked up the phone and held it to his ear.

"I'm listening," he mumbled trying to pretend to be uncaring and passive. It was working. He trembled as he sat back in his wooden chair.

"Matthew wants to meet up," he said softly, "would you be interested?"

"Tch," Alfred let escape from his mouth.

_Is he using Matthew as some sort of reason to meet up with me?_

Alfred shook his head.

_No, I'm thinking too much. Arthur wouldn't bother to do anything out of his way for me._

"I'd have to check with my boss," said Alfred in a boastful way, "and if I'm not already busy."

"May my boss speak to yours then?" he asked.

Shit. Alfred hadn't thought about that. He recalled how Arthur's boss wasn't really fond of him in the first place.

I can't just tell him no because his boss hates me.

'_You've got to stop being a scarety-cat and just do things!'_ Ludwig's voice pounded in his head.

Ludwig is right.

"Sure kid. When he gets back to his office. He's been away to-"

Don't tell him everything about yourself!

"Yeah, away," muttered Alfred.

"Oh. I see," mumbled Arthur.

"Well I have to go now. I want to sleep," replied Alfred as he yawned.

"Oh. Okay. Take care of yourself."

"Bye," said Alfred as he hung up.

He stared at the phone.

Either Arthur didn't care much for Alfred's replies or he was very good at hiding how he feels.

Does it matter? The bastard'll probably bail on us again. What nerve, not even apologizing to me for last time.

He recalled the mess of cake on his walls.

Alfred kicked at the chair in front of him from his seat and knocked it down. It hit the floor rather hard.

He really lost it bad that time. He couldn't stand it happening all over again.

He wouldn't be able to handle it. He knew that much.

Picking up the phone again, he dialed a number almost engraved at the back of his head.

"Yes? Who is this?" answered a delighted Ivan on the other end.

"Ivan, I need to ask you something. Please give me an honest opinion."

"Alright," he answered softly.

"Arthur just called me, asking Matthew would like to see us."

"Why hasn't Matthew done it before, knowing you really wanted to see Arthur?"

"Probably because I'm crazy. Anyway, he asked to speak to my boss. I really don't want to go."

"Why not?" asked Ivan.

"Because . . . his boss doesn't like me. Besides, he can go see Matthew himself," he said.

"They're at a concert, you know?" said Ivan.

"W-what?" asked Alfred, his voice shaking.

"They're at a concert. Maybe they wanted to see if they can drop by, or really, Matthew."

Alfred bit his lip; the thought of Arthur being with Matthew at a concert, the two . . somewhere . . . without him. He's being left out of the loop again. Left behind. He doesn't like being left behind.

"You knew?" is all Alfred could ask.

"Yes. Who cares. They didn't invite you obviously. He stood you up, remember?" reminded Ivan.

He was right.

"But, I've done it before. Remember? A little before we were separated. He invited me to go to that Rodeo. Something I'd really like. At the last minute, I canceled on him because of his boss. He was pretty pissed, avoiding me for 2 weeks."

"You didn't tell him you cried your eyes out when your boss forced you to cancel on him, did you?"

"N-no," mumbled Alfred, covering his bleeding lip now.

"I suggest you not going to meet them then. Don't do it. Stop being so desperate," advised Ivan.

Desperate. What a hurtful word.

" . . . okay. Seriously, thanks," mumbled Alfred as he hung up before hearing a response. He slowly made his way to the sofa, carrying the pictures in one arm. He dropped his body on the longest leather sofa and looked up at the pictures he held above his head.

He would really like to be with Arthur, no matter what. He'd let himself get shot at, no matter what. He just wished, at least once, Arthur showed a little remorse for him.

"That's never going to come, now is it? He's so popular now, with a kid like Peter wanting to be with him. I used to feel a little sad when he'd be all alone at world meetings, reading and drinking to himself. Now . . . who is the lonely one; the one that enjoys a good book and solitary, or the one who easily smiles at the people around him, wanting to hear only his jokes and mischief?"

He began to cry.

When did I let things turn so sour?

"Ivan, who was that?" asked Kiku.

"It was Alfred. Arthur contacted him. I told him he was at a concert."

"Why did you tell him? It would only make him more upset? !" yelped Kiku in his seat.

Ivan quietly sat in his seat, staring out the window.

"What did he say?" asked Matthew smilingly as he ate some popcorn. He and Arthur sat in a close-up row to the stage of the concert they were attending.

"He'd talk to his boss about it. I knew he wouldn't want to speak with me," said Arthur as he carelessly flipped his phone open and began texting a little.

"I'm sorry. I thought-"

"It's alright Matthew. I knew you meant well. He is just very sensitive. What you and I think as small and meaningless as a casual smile, he thinks of it as a cheap, dime-a-dozen grins we carelessly give away," grinned Arthur at the smaller boy. Matthew smiled back, relieved.

"He cares too much about things," said Arthur as he leaned back at his seat and turned his phone off, the show about to begin.

"Is that always a bad thing?" asked Matthew.

Arthur really didn't know.

'_Don't you think caring a lot is wonderful? What I'd give to have a girlfriend who took everything I said to heart! I think that's pretty romantic, don't you?'_ He recalled Alfred once jokingly telling him.

'_Sure, you weirdo,'_ Arthur had just laughed back at it.

He hadn't realized Alfred had been talking about himself back then.

* * *

**A/N" Review~! **


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